How to Maximize Your Thanksgiving in True Degenerate Fashion

Another Thanksgiving is upon us. In a tradition that some might recall, I’ve compiled a list of tips to maximize your experience on the unrivaled holiday of the year.

Those of you with a more moderate approach to life might believe I’ve already provided ample assistance in past years.

“How many different ways of encouraging people to over-indulge can he possibly come up with?”

I assure you, I’ve barely begun my journey as a bodhisattva of bacchanalia.

1) Proper Hydration

Whether you wake up and begin your morning with an early football game or head into the kitchen to start cooking, Thanksgiving is a long day. You’re going to want to stay hydrated.

You might think that water is sufficient. Still, studies — very scientific studies, carried out by the greatest minds, in the most rigorous settings — have proven that a nice, refreshing lager beer provides an optimal hydration foundation on a day like this.

A liter is the bare minimum dosage, but, much like adding butter to mashed potatoes, the only dangerous amount is none.

2) Touring Your Host’s Home

When your host offers to give you a tour of their home to proudly show off whatever useless knickknacks, furniture, or artwork they’ve accumulated over the past year, resist the urge to tell them that you’d rather pass a kidney stone than look at even one more inane glass figurine or picture frame.

At worst, the tour gives you a somewhat discrete opportunity to put down an extra drink if you fill your glass before the narrated journey through decorative hell.

At best, you might discover something valuable that’s worth stealing later if you decide the evening didn’t meet your expectations and feel you deserve reparations for your wasted time.

3) Buffet Reconnaissance

The most important effort you can put into Thanksgiving is a proper scouting run through all of the food before filling your plate.

Every year, you’ll encounter at least one dish that someone thought they could make a healthy alternative for without sacrificing flavor. Every year, you’ll be forced to tell these misguided cooks that they need to examine both their palate and their existence.

Kale and seitan do not belong in the stuffing. Vegetables should be roasted, not boiled. If some twisted soul tries to serve fat free mashed turnips instead of mashed potatoes with enough butter to immediately clog a small woodland creature’s arteries, they’re permanently relegated to the kids’ table.

I don’t mean the fun kids’ table where the immature drunks in their early 20s share dick and fart jokes. I mean they’ll be hearing about the plotline of recent Teletubbies episodes and having partially-chewed food smeared on them.

It’s not sufficient punishment for their transgressions, but it’s what’s on offer.

4) Political Discussions

Uncomfortable conversations at holiday gatherings are nothing new. However, with our current political climate, much has been made of how divisions might cause more problems than ever.

Opinion pieces have laid out suggestions for hosts to establish rules ahead of time to ensure that all guests have a non-confrontational way of indicating they’re uncomfortable with the direction of a conversation, and other such silliness that’s designed to protect everyone’s feelings.

If we’re no longer going to settle political disputes the adult way — by loudly shouting and wildly gesticulating while onlookers cower in abject terror — then I propose we fully embrace our collective inability to communicate like adults and settle our differences with a food fight.

A more gracious host might ensure resources are equally distributed before the battle. Sadly, this is not utopia, so we’re all stuck with what’s within our reach and the protection of whatever alliances can be formed in the conversation prior to the meal.

No shanking the opposing parties with knives, though. We’re not that trashy, and this is not Vietnam. There are rules.

5) Escaping Thoughtful Reflection

At some point in the evening, various members of your group will inevitably get reflective and want to go around the table, asking what people are thankful for.

I’m not going to dismiss the idea outright. Everyone loves a good circle jerk, after all.

But, if you’re the sort of emotionally-constipated individual who prefers to express appreciation for loved ones after several hours of drinking, rather than thoughtfully and articulately in front of a group, you’re going to want to be prepared.

If you’re feeling saucy, a long-winded, heartfelt story that ends up being about how much nihilistic Polish black metal means to you is an excellent way to ensure you’re never faced with this sort of question again.

Alternatively, quietly disappearing to a dark room with a full glass of booze serves as both an escape from pro forma participation in the giving of thanks, as well as an excellent chance to recharge for another plate full of food.

There’s no shame in spending a half-hour hiding in your best friend’s linen closet, curled up on the floor with a glass of whiskey.