HUMOR | SATIRE | MAGA | POLITICS

How to Make the Hot MAGA Waitress Fall For You

You know who, the one you have the hots for at Hooters

You are a progressive liberal who tries not to puke every time you see the mugs of The Donald or MTG in the news. You are against unchecked gun ownership. Your most lethal weapons are the knives in your kitchen, and they are not even Japanese.

You’re also a fierce advocate of women having full control over their own bodies and worry the current SCOTUS judges will set back the United States not just decades but centuries, before it was even founded, if Judge Alito’s ‘reasoning’ is a hint.

And yet you fell for a god-fearing, gun-toting, strong-family-valued, anti-abortion MAGA waitress of Hooters. A hottie who dreams of having 8 children ‘with a special someone’ and teach them how to shoot with a Sig before they even walk.

She said she wanted to wear the red hat at work but her boss told her it was against dress code. She called him ‘a libtard racist’. You have not yet disclosed that you’re a liberal. You salivate gawking at her boobs too much to disclose anything.

You noticed she does not talk much to the other customers but she is rather chatty with you. You want to make a move but worry she’ll reject you if she finds out you voted for Biden or that you watch CNN.

After considering it for a mere 2 seconds you decide that in the conflict between your integrity and getting in her pants your integrity ends up with two black eyes and a broken nose. But you need a plan to avoid messing up. How can someone like you behave like a MAGAtard?

Don’t worry, I got your back. This is a fail-safe, fool-proof guide to transform into the ultimate MAGAtard. Even the most ultra-far-right lady will not smell your liberal scent. Follow those steps and you’ll get laid before you say ‘Trump is not a King!’

I think it would be simpler if I split them into two neat ‘What to do’ and ‘What not to do’ categories. So, here we go:

1. What to do:

a) Make contact with that old redneck friend of yours who you’ve been avoiding the last decade and tell them you finally accept their offer to teach you how to shoot. Not right away, buy them a couple of beers first.

You need to act the part. You need to learn about guns and you need to at least be able to shoot an elephant from 6 feet. It’s possible this is how your first date with her will play out, and you cannot afford to look gun ignorant.

b)If she mentioned Hitler at any point during her babbling read Mein Kampf. You don’t need to read the entire thing, I’m not a torturer. Reading some excerpts of it on GoodReads would suffice.

A cool trick might be to memorize a few quotes from it and have her guess who said them, Herr Adolf or Herr Donald (take a look at my ‘What not to do’ list about how to avoid falling into a trap with this)?

c)Watch Fox News. Watch it until you puke or pass out, whichever comes first. Learn about Tucker, Hannity, Ingraham and everyone. Look up their personal lives, how many guns they own, the whole 9 yards. These are her idols and they need to become yours too.

d)Mention semi-casually that “January 6 was not such a big deal right?” Or if she says that respond with “I know right?” or “The libs act like the world ended right?” If you see sparks in her eyes you might get lucky later.

e)Go to the church, at least every Sunday. Your local pastor or priest will be pleased to see you after 15 years, assuming they have not kicked the mortal bucket.

2. What not to do:

a)Do not talk smart or deep, ever. Suffocate the intellectual within you. Gag them and duct tape them if you have to. Do not talk philosophy, art, science etc to impress her. You will not. She’ll think you are a geek and move on to redder pastures. MAGAgirls dislike geeks even more than libs. So geek off.

b)Assuming you go down the Nazi rabbit hole do not breath a word about Hitler’s influences in Mein Kampf! Do not say, for instance, that this pretentious quote:

“The Goddess of Fate clutched me in her hands and often threatened to smash me; but the will grew stronger as the obstacles increased, and finally the will triumphed.”

“Sounds a lot like Nietzsche right?” She will look at you with wild eyes and perhaps pass out by trying to think who that Nxx?xx?xx guy is. In contrast suggest that all words of Mein Kampf are 100% Adolf’s original thought. He was so cool he did not rely on anyone. Just like her beloved Herr Donald.

c)Do not say you are against marriage or having children. Inspire her to think about you in “Marry me and breed me MAGA-wan Kenobi, you are my only hope!” terms.

That will be all Romeo. I wish you good luck. Do not confess you are a lib after the fact until you are safely out of town or, preferably, the country.

A guide by Nikolaos Skordilis. Check out this story of mine, also at The Haven:

Subscribe 📬 | Twitter 💙 | Ko-fi ☕️ | Substack 🔖 | Facebook 🤝