Satire

How to Make it Big on Medium

Not just big, I am talking REALLY BIG

I am a superstar. You can be too.

See, I have completely figured out this Medium thing and if I can do it, you can… Well, wait. No; no one is quite as awesome as I am. Oh, what the heck. I will tell you and you can give it a try. It came easy to me. You will obviously have to work at it but give it a whirl. Might be good for your ego.

First off, you need a really good screen name. Use at least three names like, Christopher Maxwell Baxter, or Edwin Charles Manson Cornwall Jacobsen III. More is better here.

Now, pro tip. No one on Medium checks it out if you add a title to your name. You could throw in MBA, or MD in there and no one will fact check it at all. Or, you can do what I did and go with Ph.D., which stands for Pretty Hard Drinker (or some say, Piled Higher and Deeper) which in my case, both are true.

Next, go ahead and transfer some meaningless ramblings from your own personal blog over to Medium. That gives you some “content” (something people go on and on about here). Most of it is really just blather. Don’t worry, you can quickly fill in the gaps with some inspired poetry for people to ooh and ahh over later.

The next step is very important. You need to find a publication to publish your stuff. That way you don’t need to waste a lot of time promoting your own “content”. If you find the right publication, some other schmucks will do it for you. That is how capitalism works people.

Work smarder, not harder. That is what I always say.

You are going to want to find a very active publication. Look for someone else with a fake name and bogus certification like your own. That way you know the person running it is nearly as clever as you are. Find something that sets the bar pretty low for accepting writers, then you won’t have to submit a sample article or anything. Who has time for that?

There is a pretty good chance that there is another Pretty Hard Dancer, or Particularly Handsome Dude out there running a publication that can be easily swayed into accepting anything you send them. After all, aren’t they probably working the same con you are?

That’s pretty much all you need to succeed. Find some sort of word generator to make up some paragraphs for you, slap them together and hit publish for or five times a week. Poetry is even easier to crank out. You don’t even need to use grammar — or spell correctly for that matter. Just slap a few lines on the page in some sort of chaotic disarray and let them marvel at your inspired artistic brilliance.

Then sit back and let the rubes at the publication push your writing out to the unwashed masses and prep your bank account for major payola.

Now just a few words of warning. Occasionally, if you complain enough about not getting your work put on the front page of the publication, or how people are spending more time reading other peoples’ dreck instead of your masterful word smithery, you might get some pushback.

People may even stoop so low as to question your superiority, or even your degree. Self-awarded degrees are just as meaningful as any, so stand your ground. Make up some story about how you did the research for your doctorate on starving kids from New Guinea, or some other make-believe place like Constantinople or Houston.

When they ask you about defending your dissertation, don’t be alarmed if you don’t know what that is, (who does? It is just another imaginary word) just say, “Starving kids, Duh!”

If this happens, it is time to go on the offensive. Put the poetry on hold for a hot minute and flood the publication owner, editor and other writers with comments on their stories about how unfairly you are being treated. Exploit every avenue possible, use Medium and use social media. Track down email addresses and hit them hard too.

To further your message, use your name and back-history manufacturing skills to send emails from your “friends and colleagues” that establish your legitimacy and right to be worshipped as the true artist that you are.

Soon they will all be cowering in your dominant glory. Or, there is a slight possibility that you could get blacklisted on the site. But, don’t let that slow you down.

Because really, Medium is kind of lame anyhow. There are probably a whole bunch of other sites out there that will welcome you with open arms. Besides, you just made a whole bunch of new friends. Literally.

Maybe you could all go in together in an LLC and sell cleaning products. Or crystals.

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Timothy Key spent over 26 years in the fire service as a firefighter/paramedic and various fire chief management roles. He firmly believes that bad managers destroy more than companies, and good managers create a passion that is contagious. Compassion, grace and gratitude drive the world; or at least they should. Follow me on Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter, and join the mail list.