How to Make Friends on a Lonely Planet
Friendship is tough to form in our busy lifestyle, but its rewards are priceless
“Real friends are the ones you can count on no matter what. The ones who go into the forest to find you and bring you home.”— Mindy Kaling
Making friends is difficult.
And it gets harder after a certain age. One study shows that after 25, our number of friends starts to decline.
Lydia Denworth, author and science journalist, says, “Most people only have an average of four really close friends.”
In recent years, the trend of self-isolation seems to be getting worse.
Loneliness became so serious that, in 2019, the UK appointed its first minister of loneliness to address it. It’s estimated that more “than nine million people in the country often or always feel lonely.”
Now there are reports of people around the world suffering from such acute social withdrawal that they never leave their rooms for months or even years. Some turning to artificial friends for relief (similar to the movie Her).
All of this lays a heavy burden on those who are always alone.
While we’re concerned about global warming, emotionally, there’s a global ice age emerging that needs to be addressed.
The good news is that these issues can be addressed by doing a few simple things. While simple may not always be easy, especially if you have been out of practice for a while, it provides a “no pressure” way to help us make friends.
1. Just showing up
The first steps to making new friends can be scary. One of the easiest ways to begin a new relationship is to just show up.
Be present
Start with where people gather: community centers, cafes, breakrooms, etc.
Pick a place that’s small enough that you see the same people showing up regularly, not a spot so crowded that you never see the same people twice.
You only need to make your presence known; you don’t need to talk to anyone right away. To avoid any awkwardness, you can bring a book or something to occupy yourself.
In time, you will be seen, and slowly, little conversations will start.
Don’t rush it
People are very cautious these days, and there are many legitimate reasons for this. Take your time. This relieves the pressure on yourself and others around you to make things happen.
Like approaching timid creatures in the wild, you don’t want to make any sudden movements. Slowly, your presence becomes less of a threat, and you can start to build more of a foundation.
It’s a matter of time
According to a recent study, time is the most important factor in moving us from acquaintance to friendship.
It doesn’t matter what you do, be it watching TV or some mindless activity, as long as you spend regular time together.
Meandering
Similar to the above, it seems like the process is meandering, but that’s how it works best. Just show up without an agenda and go with it. Let the conversation go where it goes, or not. Again, don’t rush it. You’re already doing something just by being there.
2. Focusing outward
The next step in overcoming self-isolation is to focus outward. The following steps help us accomplish this.
Don’t operate out of need
You may be lonely and need friendship, but don’t operate from emptiness. Focus on being a friend rather than getting one.
We all need companionship; the irony is that if we look for someone to fill the hole in our hearts, we will be disappointed and come off as needy.
Pascal once said, “There is a God-shaped vacuum in the heart of each man, which cannot be satisfied by any created thing but only by God.”
The fact is, we can fit the whole universe in our hearts; there’s little hope for another human being to ever fill it, so leave that poor person be.
Instead, focus on what we can give, not what we can get. Operating from need doesn’t work; it will only scare the other person.
Giving interest
It may seem hard to show genuine interest in others, but consider for a moment: People are actually interesting if you’re attentive.
Ask questions. Besides just being observant, asking questions is the best way to get to know someone. Each person is a mystery and, like us, has immense worth. Enjoy getting to know that person.
Giving time
We’re all busy, and we hardly have time for extracurricular activities. In order to spend time with people, we need to be creative as we juggle this limited resource.
One way is to double up on things you do anyway, like joining someone for lunch or bringing someone along; why eat alone?
How about running errands together, like shopping or laundry? You may not want to do this early in your friendship, but it could be done as you get comfortable with each other.
3. Being yourself
The next challenge in building friendships is to be ourselves. Relationships broke down in the first place because we holed ourselves up in our homes. We need to come out of buildings, but we also need to come out of our shells.
Pursue your own interests/hobbies:
This has two advantages: You’re conserving your time and resources because you’re making friends along the way.
The second advantage is that it allows you to be yourself and pursue what you are already pursuing. Being unapologetically you, with all your passion and even your flaws, allows others to see who you really are and piques their interests.
Expressing your feelings
Society is trending towards being colder. Emotions can work to thaw its coldness.
If you have the capacity, show your emotions. Don’t be afraid to express joy, laughter, or even pain. You don’t need to wear your feelings on your sleeve; you just need to be genuine and authentic.
You may need to warm up the engine a little if you haven’t shown emotion in a while. Start small. Smile, and build from there.
Expressing your thoughts and feelings may be risky, but it lets people know who you are and builds authentic connections.
“Be happy with those who are happy, and weep with those who weep.” ~ St. Paul
4. Just venture out
This may be the scariest part, but we must get out of our comfort zone. It’s the final stage, and we build up to it.
Getting out of the house
We’re used to covering ourselves, finding a safe place to hide. Like turtles, we carry heavy shells on our backs to protect ourselves.
We need to venture out of our safety zone to connect with other human beings. This could be a big step for many of us, but just take little steps and venture out further each time.
You may be afraid, but the other person may also be afraid.
Joining a community group or church
One place to meet someone is in a community group, maybe it’s a hobby group or a church community, or a cafe. Community groups offer you an avenue to meet people with like-minded interests. It’s a natural place where people gather and a great place to make new friends.
Saying hello
One way to venture out is just to say hello. You don’t have to push the moment, just say hi if the opportunity presents itself. Bring up something that you’ve noticed or a question that intrigues you. Ask the person’s name.
Take a chance and invite someone to join you rather than just waiting for an invite.
5. In conclusion, just go
There are many reasons why people find themselves unable to make friends. However, we’re made to live and interact in a community, not in complete isolation.
This has become a huge issue, and worse yet, self-isolation has an adverse effect on our health.
We’ve also observed that:
- People who don’t make friends never learn how to get along socially with others.
- Many people spend their lives in isolation, even when millions of people surround them.
- Some go through their day without saying a single word to another human being, for months or even years.
- And our self-esteem suffers.
We’ve never been so technologically ‘connected’ as we are now, yet so isolated from one another.
And when we don’t connect, it’s every man for himself and tribe against tribe. The human community is strong when we connect.
We can’t care for one another as long as we’re just numbers and statistics. We cry at movies on our streaming services, but we’re unable to feel for our neighbor next door.
Reaching out is good, not just for someone else; it’s good for us. In treating others, we treat ourselves. And in the end, it’s good for humanity.
“It’s been a long time since I came around Been a long time, but I’m back in town This time I’m not leaving without you”
~ You and I
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