Summary

The article provides a humorous take on creating a vegetable chowder with limited ingredients during a hypothetical apocalypse scenario.

Abstract

In the face of a seemingly impending apocalypse, the author humorously details the process of making a hearty vegetable chowder with whatever ingredients are available at home. The recipe is inspired by the need to stay indoors due to a blizzard, a global pandemic, and the whimsical nature of Friday the 13th. The author emphasizes using only what one has, including leftover vegetables, soup stock, and even an unconventional thickener like drywall dust. The article is interspersed with personal anecdotes and light-hearted commentary, ultimately revealing a genuine recipe for vegetable chowder that doubles as comfort food in times of uncertainty.

Opinions

The author views the situation with a sense of humor, using the apocalypse as a backdrop for a cooking adventure.
There is a subtle critique of societal reactions to crises, such as panic buying and hoarding.
The author appreciates the availability of ingredients at home, considering it a stroke of luck or good planning.
A nod is given to Charles Roast's beef stew recipe, suggesting it as a source of inspiration or validation for the author's own cooking endeavors.
The article pokes fun at the unexpected origins of products, like Thai-made coconut milk labeled as Caribbean, as a metaphor for life's unpredictability.
The author finds comfort in the act of cooking and the resulting meal, as well as in being prepared with essentials like toilet paper.
The recipe is presented as a practical solution to limited resources, while also being a tribute to historical frugality, as exemplified by Mrs. Ingalls from "Little House on the Prairie."
The author invites readers to subscribe to their newsletter, indicating a desire to connect with like-minded individuals who appreciate their style of storytelling and cooking.

How To Make Apocalypse Soup

Actually, it’s more like chowder

The world is falling apart a little more each day lately, and crazy people are standing in mile-long lines at supermarkets. The weather where I live just dropped into a deep freeze with an imminent blizzard on the way. Also, a “restricted access due to Covid-19” email just fanned out from my job.

And, it’s Friday the 13th. WTF?

Rather than let it all get me down, I decided to pretend there’s an apocalypse going on outside my door. I thought it would be fun to scrounge through my kitchen and see what I could make in the actual event that I wasn’t allowed to leave the house.

Apocalypse soup is what I came up with.

Think of the Disney book, Button Soup, except without the button. And I’m certainly not sharing mine with the whole town.

To make Apocalypse soup you have to start with only ingredients you already have in your home. Remember, there is no going outside so you have no choice.

Take out your biggest pot. Cut up the two carrots and three potatoes you happen to have in your fridge, and drop it all into the pot. By pure chance, you also have three celery stalks. Cut those up and drop them in, too.

Before doing anything else, remind yourself how fortunate you are to know Charles Roast, because he literally just launched a publication that wants this recipe in it. Actually, I don’t even know if he wants this. I read his Easy Beef Stew recipe and it’s pretty legit.

Okay, back to business.

You also have half a carton of vegetable soup stock in your fridge because…well…you don’t know why, but it’s there. Pour that into the pot with your chopped up veggies and turn your stove burner to medium. Not Medium.

(Although your stove’s medium and the real Medium have both been known to burn your boldest efforts to a crisp).

Now, you might be wondering what else you can toss into the pot to make your end of days a little bit sweeter. If this is going to be your last meal, you might as well make it a good one.

Open up your freezer and you’ll see at least seven half-bags of frozen, random vegetables you’ve been storing for eternity. Remember that time you needed green beans for Christmas dinner in 2006?

You also remember you’ve had two cans of corn in your cupboard from the last pending apocalypse. Adding corn to any soup automatically turns it into chowder.

The secret ingredient comes next. It’s a sprinkling of drywall dust, graciously provided by the contractor who’s been in your home for four days, sanding and repairing water leak damage. Don’t worry, you’ll hardly taste it and it’s an excellent thickener in case you don’t have corn starch in the house.

Finally, the piece de resistance.

In the same cupboard, beside the corn, you see a can of Grace Foods coconut milk. What a splendid idea to dump some Caribbean vibes into your final meal on earth. Except you look at the fine print and the Caribbean coconut milk was actually made in Thailand.

WTF? That just made everything real. You didn’t sign up for this kind of disillusionment. Is there even a point to life anymore?

Photo by Louis Hansel @shotsoflouis on Unsplash

Boil the crap out of your pot of veggies nobody ever wanted, until they’re soft enough to chew. Add salt, pepper, and a few herbs. Then look outside your window at the sideways blowing snow, and take comfort in the fact that you’ll never have to leave the house again.

Also, take comfort in the fact that you hoarded all that toilet paper last week, because….corn.

In an effort to turn this into a real recipe, remove all humor and drywall dust, and perform the other actions I wrote. This is my actual homemade recipe for vegetable chowder and is the perfect comfort food.

I could survive eating only this soup until the real end of time, and I suspect this is how Mrs. Ingalls fed the family when times were tough in her little house on the prairie.

If you enjoyed this story, here’s my non-intrusive way of ushering you toward my newsletter. When you subscribe, I’ll know you’re cool with hearing from me once in a while.