How To Make (And Keep) Friends as An Adult

And what to avoid

I moved to New York a week after graduating from college in my home country. I didn’t know a single person. Everyone I grew up with was gone in an instant.

For the next twenty years, I learned how to make friends as an adult, through trial and error. Moving around a lot didn’t help. Now, I think I finally figured it out.

Friendship, studies show, has a direct effect on a person’s happiness levels. Sometimes, the most profound effect. Yet so many of us take our friendships, or lack of them, for granted.

We let people in and out of our life like if it was a subway car, not considering what they, or we, have to offer.

Yet friendship, like a romantic relationship, takes work. And making friends as adults is like dating: painful but potentially rewarding.

If you feel like you could use a new friend, or two, here are a few things that I found helpful.

Take a class

There’s something about a shared experience of attending any type of schooling that promotes bonding.

Maybe it’s the out-of-your-comfort-zone atmosphere that makes people more vulnerable and open to new experiences, as well as people. This is a ripe ground for making friends.

If your old school or college friends are not around, try signing up for a continuing education class, or, if you want to go all out, a Master’s Degree. I did both (for educational purposes) and walked away with a few friendships.

Afterschool drinks could be a wonderful opportunity to break the ice. But sometimes as little as a trip to the bathroom can do. I met one of my oldest friends in New York while washing hands after an evening class.

Join a group

If learning new skills isn’t your thing, comb through the interests you do have and see if there’s a group of like-minded individuals you can join.

Be it pets, kids, hobbies, professional or political interests — there are so many things we have in common with strangers. So many things to bond over.

A friend of mine met some of her closest friends in her AA group. The ability, and the need, to be vulnerable with one another does wonders for people in such groups. At my loneliest moments, I fantasized about joining AA myself to make connections. Yet my love of wine always wins.

Try a friendship app

If all else fails, you can always try a “friendship dating” app like Bumble BFF or Peanut for moms. I personally haven’t tried them but I almost did, when feeling lonely in a foreign country.

As with traditional dating, apps remove the awkwardness of guessing whether a person is interested in making new friends in the first place.

Be bold, be vulnerable

Of course, just taking a class or joining a group won’t help you to make friends. Grownups are all too quick to escape to their regular lives as soon as the activity is over.

Sometimes you have to be bold and approach another person first. You never know — they might need a friend as much as you do. But if there isn’t a vibe, don’t take it personally and try again with someone else.

And remember that being “cool” or interesting will only take you so far in a new friendship. Being honest and vulnerable with each other is what really helps to break the ice and take any relationship to the next level.

Don’t be afraid to show who you really are.

But here’s the tricky part. Making new friends is only half the work. It’s keeping them that takes the real effort. As with any relationship, a friendship is what you put into it, especially if it’s new.

Here a few important tips to remember if you want to grow your new connection, or renew an old one.

Check-in regularly

Everyone likes to know that you’re thinking of them, and your friends are not an exception. Make sure to check in regularly, for a good reason or no reason at all.

Listen, don’t just talk

We all know this one, yet it’s simple to forget.

When I’m excited or nervous, I tend to talk a lot, not realizing I have just hijacked the conversation.

Make sure to listen more than you talk. It’s simple yet powerful advice that always works. A person feels more appreciated when they are heard.

Be there for them

In good times and bad, just be there for your friends.

Celebrate their achievements and offer a shoulder to cry on when things aren’t smooth. Especially when things aren’t smooth.

Remember, some people are not good at asking for help. Sometimes “I’m okay” means that things are not okay at all. Get to know your friend, learn the warning signs and offer help without being asked.

Create shared experiences to make up for the lack of the past

Any relationship needs shared experiences and memories for bonding. They create the foundation on which it’s built.

If you don’t have a ton of history, you’ll need to create those memories from scratch. Take a road trip together, try an escape room, or take a class. Any experience, even a stressful one, can lead to bonding.

Meet their friends and family

Getting to know each other’s friends and family will strengthen your friendship. Be proactive and show interest in your friend’s parents, siblings or other friends. Ask questions. It’ll make them feel special and show that you see them as a whole person. With time, you might just get invited to join your friend at a family party or a friend’s house.

And here are a few things to avoid when making new connections.

Don’t remain friends with people who make you feel bad

No person in your life should make you feel bad on a regular basis, for any reason, ever. If you know someone like that, realize it might be a toxic relationship and consider ending it.

Don’t judge too much

Let’s be honest, most people are annoying in one way or another. We’re all different, and the older we get the less we’re willing to put up with other people’s quirks.

On the other hand, with age, we also understand that we’re not perfect either. In fact, some of us are a real handful.

Accept your new friend for who they are, quirks and all. Try to understand their world, be curious about it, rather than judge. And make sure they’re willing to do the same for you. Otherwise, see above.

Don’t “fix” their lives

I had a friend who was constantly trying “to fix” my life and wreaked some real havoc instead. Needless to say, we’re not friends anymore (see above).

To anyone who’s busy fixing other people’s lives, I suggest they take a good look at their own. Friends are there for enriching our lives, not solving our problems.

To paraphrase Gandhi, “Be the friend you want to have in your life.”

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