DIY guru
How To Make a Time Machine From Junk in Your Garage
The complete guide to hassle-free time travel
Ever since we stepped off the evolutionary treadmill, mankind has dreamt of time travel.
It’s the ultimate leisure activity — to travel freely around in time and space without a care in the world.
Didn’t take that dream job ten years ago? No problem. Go back and take it!
With time travel at your fingertips, you’ll have the power to change history at will, like being Napoleon, Genghis Khan, and Caligula all rolled into one.
Good news! A fully working time machine is completely buildable from junk in your garage.
What You’ll Need
Five or Six Discarded Toasters— After cleaning out any bits of burnt toast, these will act as the main circuitry in transporting your present day boring reality into an exciting future (or past).
NOTE: If you’ve always insisted on buying the cheapest models, this is an advantage. The time machine works best with a dangerous and badly-wired toaster.
A Couple of Crates of Beer — These are to take with you in case you get stuck in limbo. Sometimes during time travel, the machine gets lost in your thoughts and doesn’t know where to go.
In this instance, it’s necessary to drink heavily “TO SORT THIS SHIT OUT”, before moving on.
NOTE: If you don’t drink alcohol, take a range of tranquillizers from the bathroom cabinet instead. Someone in your household is bound to be on something.
Brand-new Bicycles — Every garage has a fleet of bicycles no one has ever used. Luckily, they form a crucial part of the time machine in transferring all your lazy latent energy into reliable time travel.
NOTE: The user must have a reasonable level of fitness. They mustn’t break out in a sweat lifting a spoon to their mouth, or going for a shit.
A Set of Weights — Like bicycles, every garage has an unused set of free weights, and these will stabilize the machine during ‘lift-off’ and prevent it from exploding in the garage with you inside it.
NOTE: Please make sure the weights are iron, and not plastic. Plastic weights have been known to melt and gas the user to death.
An Archery Set — At some point, someone in your dumb family thought they were Attila The Hun and wanted to go bareback horse riding while shooting arrows.
Luckily, these will finally come in handy. Due to the laws of causality, when you arrive at your destination, any conventional weapons like guns, bazookas, and grenades are useless. The only weapon that works is an old-fashioned bow and arrow.
NOTE: Time travel is not for the faint-hearted. While the romantic ideal was lovingly rendered in movies such as Back to the Future, in reality, no one knows what hellish creature might be waiting to cut you down the moment you walk outside.
KEEP THE BOW AND ARROW WITH YOU AT ALL TIMES!
An Old Washing Machine — Remove the outer casing so that just the drum and circuits remain. This looks good when you show your neighbours what you are building.
NOTE: Don’t forget to take out any dirty clothes that may contain body matter or fluid, especially if they’re not yours.
This may have horrific ramifications during travel, as you might walk out the other end as a genetically modified version of your sister, mother, wife, lover, or friend.
See THE FLY movie for more details.
A Load of Old Electrical Wire — Connect the weights, bicycles, toasters and washing machine together, according to the diagram available at Chernobyl.com
Then press GO!
If it doesn’t work, you’ll soon know when you’re incinerated in your garage, along with any dreams of future (or past) time travel.
NOTE: In the event of this happening, you will not be able to go back in time like in the movies to rectify the situation— you’ll be dead.
Thanks for reading. And please don’t try this at home. It was for entertainment purposes only. Unless you want to.
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