How To Make a Breast Implant Feel Real

Spoiler alert: Ya can’t!

Apparently, size does matter. Just ask the 300,000 American women who get breast implants every year! That’s a staggering number of insecure women who will risk their health just to feel more womanly. I’m amazed.

Women will almost always cite their preference for a secure man. Almost nobody wants a guy with no confidence. Yet, that same woman will go out and spend thousands of dollars — and why? Because she herself, is insecure and not confident in her femininity. Does that strike you as ironic?

I have a confession to make. (No, my dick is real.) But I’ve had a few girlfriends with implants. And in all cases, I would have preferred that they’d kept the real thing. For one, I’d have felt better about them as women. And call me crazy, but that matters to me.

Now, here’s the all-important question: Did I pay the same attention to their breasts as I would with a natural woman? The answer is a resounding no! And there were two reasons:

First, they feel stupid. The difference between real breast tissue and an implant is pronounced. There’s really no comparison.

And second, fondling a softball whammed underneath skin — and pretending it’s real — makes me feel like a loser. As in “what’s wrong with me? I can’t get a girl with real tits?”

And so, I sort of pretend they’re not there. Fortunately, the women I was with had some very attractive other body parts I could concentrate on. So I made do that way.

I would pose this question to women with breast implants: “How would you feel about me if I was sporting an obviously surgically enlarged penis? Wouldn’t you feel like I was an insecure man not worthy of your love?” I know the answer would be yes. So why would that same woman get implants?

To be contrary, I can think of two women who I felt improved with the purchase. Their breasts were so deflated that anything short of rocks to fill them out would be an improvement.

But mostly, I’m against implants. I just don’t like what they represent. Years ago, I co-wrote a song with my then writing partner titled “I Do the Best I Can With What I Got.”

Yes, it was her title — and not mine. But I liked the sentiment. And I still stand by it. God dealt you a hand. Now play it. It’s that simple.