How to make $500 a day writing for Medium.

15 hints from Joel Rogan’s personal Medium mentor that will make it happen

· Communicate exclusively in dot points. Dotcoin is the new greenback

· Think of attention-grabbing headers like my cracking one above. Do not plagiarize me though. Plagiarize others, but not me, even if what I write is a plagiarization of someone else.

· Don’t be afraid of making up words like plagiarization. You are not just a user of language, you’re an inventor.

· Write articles that appeal to the reader’s vanity. Readers are not interested in your epiphanies on ayahuasca, they are interested in being Hemingway minus the suicidal alcoholic depression.

· Give praise even when it is the worst article you have ever read. Remember it’s not about them, it’s about you…and, by proxy me, your new Medium mentor. It’s about teamwork.

· Relate your included photo subtly to one of your dot points

· In the unlikely event you defy extraordinary odds akin to the USS Zumwalt guided missile destroyer being constructed randomly by a hurricane blowing through a banana plantation and you do turn yourself into Hemingway, do not forget about me your medium-rare mentor. I have a steak in you.

· Don’t be afraid to butcher the language. Remember the language wants to be butchered.

· Slow your writing way…………..the feck…………………………………downnnn. When it comes to human attention span, 40 is the new 9.

· Never sware. If you have to sware make sure you miss-spell it. (How the hell do you spell misspell? Oh, got it, I think) Feck is quite possibly the greatest word in the English language, even if it was originally plagiarized by humans from the leprechaun lexicon. Steal your own great signature sware word but remember feck is mine.

· Change your name. Do you know an obscure Dutch comedian is in the top five google searches on the planet? His name is Youpo. Don’t pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about.

· Consider changing your name to Tupac Chopra or Mark Zipperpants

· Grow the feck up. This writing gig is tough and mean. The T.M after Deepak Chopra’s name does not stand for Transcendental Meditation

· Give yourself a doctorate. Use an obscure sounding European country like France or New Zealand as your university locale. Be creative with your research area: a phd in how Hegelian dialectics supplicated the organic hegemonic paradigm by revising the post-colonial parapsychic learning matrix of the Kalahari desert people

· Give each other the clap: remember it’s teamwork (cue second reference to visual)

· Never have more than 15 dot points to the one article.

· Never mock the numerically challenged.

· Avoid at all costs the almost irresistible temptation to be a smartass.