How to Love Your Soulmate

When they hit all the right notes.

I want to credit May Pang for the inspiration to write this article. She wrote a brilliant piece published in P.S. I Love You about the five traits that lay the groundwork for a loving relationship. It was an eye-opener for me because it gave new words to why I feel as I do about my partner — Joy. Thanks, May. I’ll link to it at the end of this article.

My partner Joy hits all the right notes for me. What does that mean?

• She loves me just as I am, without trying to change or manipulate me. Like many of us, I have a few relationship shadows. She overlooks them.
• Her playful, fun nature keeps me from taking life so seriously. When I want to focus on finishing an article she invites me to go for a hike or a camping trip. How could I refuse?
• Her taste in music is excellent. She goes about her day with blues, Latin, or smooth jazz in the background. My favorite genres from long before we met.
• She’s a low-drama mama. On the rare occasion that Joy’s mood is anything but positive and upbeat, it’s a sure bet she’s either ill or menstruating.
• She gives me all the personal space I need. Which can be quite a bit, because I tend to be pretty introverted. If I’ve been in a self-involved stupor all day she’ll do something silly or outrageous to get my attention — in a good way.

Before meeting Joy I wasn’t very successful at relationships. I had had more than a few. Some were short, some were longer — but they all ended sooner than I’d planned.

I blamed myself. I’d get irritated or bored and then move on.

Or so went my story. The deeper truth with my first few was that I was too emotionally immature to handle a long-term intimate relationship. I was codependent, or needy, or too wrapped up in myself to be sensitive to my partner’s needs.

But I got better with each relationship. Because following each breakup I’d do a brutally honest, self-critical post-mortem of why the relationship failed. And of course, with that sort of evaluation guess who the culprit was every time?

Me.

I wanted to own my weaknesses, and learn from them. I made it all about me to squeeze out the greatest amount of self-awareness I could about how I show up in relationship… and what needed to change. And then I’d take that heightened self-awareness into my next relationship. And truthfully, I’d do better at it.

Perhaps I had reached the epitome of this cycle before I met Joy, and that’s why we are so copacetic. God knows I had plenty of practice. Or maybe it’s that her nature is sweeter, less aggressive, and more receptive than other women I’ve known.

I suspect it’s both. Doesn’t matter, really. What does matter is that we share a remarkably satisfying and harmonious love.

This story is about how to love your soulmate. That goes both ways. I’ve already told you about the right notes Joy hits for me. That’s how I experience her love for me, and how it lands on me.

Now here are some of the ways I love Joy that hit her high notes and let her know I adore her.

• Each morning when Joy arises I make her coffee. Exactly as she likes it. Most every morning for over five years now. Does she expect it now? Absolutely. But that doesn’t diminish her appreciation. It’s pretty much top of her list whenever we have a conversation about how we love one another.
• Before she takes her first sip of coffee I reach for her. She knows what’s next. A long, soulful, heart-to-heart hug. 20 to 60 seconds of connecting our hearts and taking a few deep breaths together at the beginning of each day.
• At least once each day I say “I love you today”. That’s my way of saying that I don’t know what tomorrow will bring but my love for you is real in this moment. She gets it. And, she fully expects to hear it again for a thousand tomorrows.
• I am passionate about creative, yummy cooking. I might make the same dinner only once or twice a month. Otherwise it tends to be unique, tasty recipes every night. While Joy relaxes I prepare the food, set the table, put on some music. And then invite the princess to the table. She loves my food! More than she loves not having to cook? I don’t know, doesn’t matter. The yin to this yang is that she washes all the dishes and cleans my kitchen messes. During which time I often sneak up behind her and plant a breathy kiss on the back of her neck. Because, you know — goose pimples.
• Another aspect of enjoying food preparation is that I do all the shopping at the grocery store and local vegetable market. Her presence optional.
• A few times a year I surprise Joy with a day trip or a weekend outing. Once I blindfolded her and drove her to a water park. She had no idea where she was until I took the blindfold off. (This was a big exercise in trust on her part!)
• We both enjoy hiking and exploring. So at least a couple times a month I’ll plan a day trip to check out some new trail. We both love traveling — we’ve been to Bali, Thailand, Singapore, and Vietnam together, as well as all over the Philippines — where we live.
• Any time I’m tempted to be critical of Joy, I resist the temptation. I’m determined to be as accepting of her as she is of me. If something is truly irritating me, I use a non-violent communication method to express it. If I ask for a behavior change I make a point of saying it’s her choice whether to change. I honestly respect her personal autonomy enough that getting my way is secondary.

I’m damn certain I don’t have all the answers to a great relationship.

But the way we love each other is working well.

And I hope there’s one idea here that supercharges your relationship.

Here’s that wonderful article by May Chang I mentioned earlier:

Thank you for reading.

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