How to Live an Emotionally Intelligent Life

This is how emotional intelligence leads you to a fulfilling and successful life.

9 years ago, I woke up and realized I’d made the biggest mistake of my life. A few months earlier, I had broken up with my girlfriend for the final time. It was actually the third time it happened. I broke her heart. I broke my own. And yet, something had told me to move on. The pain I felt on that morning in May 2011 was the realization that my life wasn’t complete.

And that I was emotionally immature.

I’d blown it and now, I’d have to live with that pain and loss because I lacked the self-awareness. I was going through the motions professionally, not giving my all in life and I was finally paying for it on the inside. I felt that anxiety, pain and stress and it was the worst feeling I’d ever experienced. I wanted to make things better. I wanted the love of my life back. I wanted to change.

I sat down at my table and wrote down the things I wanted most in my life. At the top of that list, was getting married to my wife and later starting a family. Against all odds, I needed to figure it out. I also wrote becoming an author, a coach and living a professional life in alignment with my values. I wrote out my purpose, how I’d define success and work toward achieving these goals.

Over the course of that year, I re-connected with my ex-girlfriend. I told her I was working on myself, making strides and that if she was willing to give things one last shot, I’d commit forever.

Two children (soon to be a third!), 7.5 years of marriage, a house and countless memories together, that woman is now my wife. I’ve become the man I always wanted to be, while acknowledging it takes daily work and continuous self-improvement. I’ve arrived at this place thanks to a heaping dose of emotional intelligence.

As I celebrate in the launch day of my new book today, Emotional Intelligenc for the Modern Leader, I do so on a very personal and professional level. Emotional intelligence saved my future marriage. It saved my life. It’s helped me make sense of my world and allowed me to tap into the strength, intuition and knowledge of who I truly am so I can live my very best life.

I have every confidence it can do the same for you.

How to live your best life with emotional intelligence

Emotional Intelligence is backed by years of academic and workplace research and observation. There are particular components that help us to successfully manage our emotions.

The way we make decisions, how we form opinions of ourselves and others, then how we build relationships and identify opportunities aren’t all governed by “rational thought.” In any given day, the range of emotions — both positive and negative — that we experience affect and imbue our thoughts. They change the way we see the world, and sometimes ourselves.

John D. Mayer first defined emotional intelligence as the ability to:

“Recognize, understand and manage our own emotions

Recognize, understand and influence the emotions of others

In practical terms, this means being aware that emotions can drive our behavior and impact people (positively and negatively), and learning how to manage those emotions — both our own and others — especially when we are under pressure.”

As defined by Daniel Goleman, the five core components of emotional intelligence are:

• Self-Awareness
• Self-Regulation
• Motivation
• Empathy
• Social Skill

So, why does this matter to you? It helps you to understand what it’s about. Now, I’ll show you HOW to live an emotionally intelligent life through the prism of these five components, so that your relationships, professional opportunities and mindset all bring you happiness and fulfillment.

Self-Awareness

Self-Awareness enables us to understand our motivational triggers, to help us make sense of how we perceive things the way we do and to use that information to make better decisions. To live with greater self-awareness, do these things:

• Create time in your day for quiet, reflective thought and meditation
• Understand your values and principles. List these out
• Ask yourself, what emotions make me happy? What emotions bring sadness, anger or disappointment?
• List your strengths
• List the things that you’re passionate about
• Ask people close to you for feedback to get a 360-degree understanding of who you truly are

Self-Regulation

Self-Regulation is the way we manage our emotions, in good times and bad. Remember — this isn’t just it manifests itself in social settings. It’s how we handle ourselves alone, and goes a long way to defining our character and our ability to recognize and manage both good and bad emotions so we can keep moving forward.

To become better at regulating your emotions, do these things:

• Take your time to make important decisions. Analyze the pros and cons, listen to your intuition about how you feel. Then, make your decision with confidence and live without regret
• Plan time blocks into your calendar to dedicate toward deep work
• Create habits that are in alignment with your values and purpose. STICK TO THEM!
• Understand how you feel at even keel. When life’s emotions get you high or low, know how to turn back to your centered, present state of mind by doing things like visualization, speaking positive affirmations and spending time in quiet reflection

Motivation

Motivation helps us to understand what drives us — our passions, talents, skills and experiences. Motivation always comes back to the question of, “what do you want?” Your motivation — how you build the fire and enthusiasm inside of you to do great things — goes a long way toward clarifying your thoughts, purpose and mission for being.

Do these things to become more self-motivated:

• Identify the things you are most passionate about
• Start focusing your time and energy on the people, work activities, projects and pursuits you care about most
• Identify someone or something that lights the fire inside of you and use that person or thing as motivation and inspiration to complete a task
• Create achievable goals and reward yourself upon completion

Empathy

Empathy is the relationship-builder. Simply put, showing that you care. Leading with a caring mindset that is free of judgment and prescriptions. Sometimes, just being a listener. An empathetic person is someone that, in good times and bad, can be there and lead with their values. Do these things to greater leverage empathy in your life:

• Focus with full-devoted attention to the people you interact with. Ask them, “How can I help you?” and let you know you care about them
• Be someone else’s “rock”
• Invest in one person in your network once per week by giving them your time, energy and attention. Help them reach a goal
• Be kind. Be curious. Be compassionate. Wash, rinse, repeat

Social Skill

Social Skill goes beyond your ability to relate to another person. It’s how you effectively communicate, bridge gaps in disconnection and demonstrate understanding that will help someone in their own growth and development. In my life, the best opportunities that have come my way developed purely because I took the time to get to know someone better. I showed I cared.

Do these things to greater leverage social skill in your life:

• Improve your communication skills. Take a writing course. Learn how to speak clearly, succinctly and effectively by watching speeches from great orators like Martin Luther King Jr., President Barack Obama and Oprah Winfrey
• Reach out and let someone know that you’re interested in what they have to say. Words matter. Then, follow that up with action
• Organize a group on social media or over Zoom among your colleagues and friends where you can learn more about one another. Make it a safe space where people can express their ideas and thoughts

You have the power of emotional intelligence in your control. Whether you’re looking to win back that person in your life, whether you’re looking to make sense of things in a time of adversity or perhaps you’re just looking to improve your leadership abilities, emotional intelligence can have a huge impact on your success and happiness.

You can become more self-aware, adaptable, believing, empathetic and positive about every area of your life. The results are feeling more fulfilled, self-confident and self-assured. That’s the power of emotional intelligence and how it can change your life forever.

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