How to Let Go of Self-Attachment (And Why It’s Important)
The 4 types of “I” and that one that works best
Most of us identify with our thoughts, feelings, and sensations as our “real self.” Even though they constantly change, in our mind they have coagulated into a strong, solid sense of “I.”
People live their entire lives believing in and operating from this solid sense of self.
That might be okay if this stronghold on the self as real, solid, and unchanging didn’t detract from our happiness.
For example, our “I” makes up a lot of painful stories about our “self.”
- I can’t handle life.
- It’s all my fault.
- I’m not safe in this world.
- Making a mistake is not okay.
- I’m unlovable.
- I’ll never succeed.
Our “I” also makes up stories about others, which are not always accurate. Often, these stories cause us to behave in ways that hurt ourselves and/or others.
Where did this “I” come from? If this “I” is so bothersome, can we get rid of it? Do we need this “I” to survive and thrive in the real world?
The 4 Types of “I” Identification
In his book, Open Heart, Open Mind, Awakening the Power of Essence Love, contemporary Buddhist teacher Tsoknyi Rinpoche identifies four levels of “I” identification that build one on the other.
- Mere I
- Solid I (and thus Solid Other)
- The Precious I
- The Social I
The first three are grounded in the traditional Buddhist view of “I” or “ego”—ego in the Buddhist context meaning an attachment to a false sense of self as opposed to the Western psychological meaning of the word. The fourth was adopted by Tsoknyi Rinpoche based on his own life experience and his conversations with Western psychologists.
Let’s take a look at each type of “I,” how it develops, and how it can help or harm you.
The Mere I
You could call the “Mere I” an “Almost I.”
It’s the vague sense of self we have as an infant or very young child. It can be described as a fluid stream of sensory experience that hasn’t yet formed into a firm sense of “I.” You’re aware of your experiences like warmth and cold, wet and dry, and respond accordingly. You don’t label or apply words to your experience. You just know when you’re hungry or your diaper is soggy.
Babies just experience. And because a baby doesn’t label or categorize everything around her, she has more space for pure qualities like love and flowing in the moment. That’s why almost everyone smiles when they see a baby.
Of course, babies aren’t 100% pure. They have personalities and predilections from birth—some charming, some less so.
But generally speaking, babies don’t, as yet, have a concrete sense of “I.”
The very lightness of the ‘mere I’ leaves lots of space for essence love and openness to flow.—Tsoknyi Rinpoche
The Solid I
But change is inevitable. And because change can be frightening, a young child, reinforced by her caregivers who believe in their own solid sense of self, gradually begins to develop the “Solid I.”
She learns to make distinctions between herself and others, and herself and objects. This process happens naturally as a child explores and experiences her world. She bumps into things, hears unfamiliar noises, or contracts in fear if her caregivers fail to respond in a timely way.
The adults in her life simultaneously teach her to differentiate people and things from one another, and how to give them the “right” names. A spoon is not a knife. Mama is not papa.
Gradually, the child begins to identify a sense of “I’ in the middle of her experiences. At first, she identifies this “I” with her body. Later, she begins to identify this “I” with her thoughts and feelings too. Eventually, she comes to believe she is her thoughts, emotions, sensations, and experiences.
And just like she begins to assign solid qualities to herself, the child also begins to attribute solid, dualistic qualities to others in her world: friend or enemy, good or bad, kind or mean.
Because of this, her love now becomes conditional.
So the child moves from this tiny being who has a fluid, sensory experience of the world to one who differentiates between self and others, good and bad, like and dislike.
The “I” has become a solid sense of self.
The Precious I
More and more, this solid sense of self begins to focus on and prioritize her own desires and aversions, over the wants or needs of others. The Precious “I” is born. In Buddhism, this tendency to think of one’s self first and foremost is traditionally called “self-cherishing.”
If you think you’re not subject to self-cherishing, look at yourself on any given day. How much time do you think about your own wants or needs in comparison to the amount of time you think about the needs and wants of others?
The Precious I adopts two mechanisms to preserve itself:
- She protects her ideas and beliefs about herself at all cost.
- She looks to others or external situations to affirm her identity.
Tsoknyi Rinpoche also calls the Precious I the “Addictive I.” The Addictive I always needs something outside of herself to feel okay — whether it’s food, drugs, or affirmation.
The Social I
Tsonyi Rinpoche added the “Social I” based on his own experience and his conversations with psychologists.
This is the “I” we develop in relation to other people. You could call it your persona or mask. It’s the part of you that pretends to be someone other than who you are in order to fit in, please others, and receive approval.
These various forms of “I” develop in stages to some extent, but as one layer is added upon another, they intertwine and support one another.
Living from the “Mere I”
What to do?
You can see how adhering to this solid or precious sense of self brings tension and distress.
You can’t go back to being a baby, but could you readapt the “Mere I” as your primary way of being?
You don’t need to extinguish the other forms of “I” completely. That’s impossible. In fact, they can be useful to successfully navigate daily life.
For example, if you see a bear bounding toward you on a hiking path, you want the self-cherishing I to kick in. And you need a healthy sense of self-esteem to accomplish good in this world.
“The challenge the Buddha proposed was to learn to rest in openness of the ‘mere I’ even while using the various other ‘I’s’ to maintain a sense of warmth and openness even when for instance, facing someone who disagrees with you.” — Tsoknyi Rinpoche
But when you live more from the “mere I,” there’s less attachment to the other forms of “I” and thus less suffering.
For example, if someone attacks you, let’s say they call you “stupid,” you’re not completely thrown off track. You don’t immediately respond in rage or withdraw in a torrent of tears.
You’re less attached to the solid sense of a self that believes it’s intelligent, no one should ever question your intelligence, and no one should ever insult you. You’re also less attached to the need for affirmation from others.
Because you don’t automatically feel threatened by someone else’s opinion of you, you feel more open to hearing where the person is coming from. Maybe they can teach you something about yourself? Or maybe they’re in pain? That creates a bridge toward interpersonal understanding and harmony.
The more you remain in the “Mere I,” the more your unhelpful stories — about yourself, others, and the world — gradually begin to dissolve.
You no longer need to block particular thoughts, emotions, and sensations. You see them all as an expression of the infinite possibility of life and know they’re passing phenomena. You don’t have to attach to them and make stories about them. You let them go by.
The “Mere I” is closer to what Tibetan Buddhists call the essence of mind, nature of mind, or basic spark of being, which is our open, clear, and loving awareness, sometimes called the “No Self.” This pure awareness experiences life directly without conceptual constructs.
So, the “Mere I” can be a bridge to the essence of mind.
“Let yourself become that space that welcomes any experience without judgement.” — Tsoknyi Rinpoche
3 Ways to Soften Self-Attachment
How do you unravel these complex, intertwining layers of “I” and get back to your basic being? Here are three ways emphasized in the Tibetan Buddhist tradition.
- Knowledge Knowing about these different forms of “I” empowers you to step back when you find yourself completely entranced by one of your stories or adamantly defending a belief you hold about yourself.
- Mindfulness Meditation. The practice of mindfulness meditation allows you to experience the transitory nature of your thoughts, emotions, and sensations, and thus be less attached to what you normally consider the “self.” It helps you to notice the inner movements of your mind and the outer world without judgment or interpretation — like the “Mere I.”
- Kindness and Compassion. Acting with kindness and compassion is one of the best ways to combat self-cherishing and over-identification with a solid “I.” Instead of focusing so much on your own wants, needs, and worries, shift your focus to others. Try to think of others at least as much as you think of yourself. But remember, kindness, compassion, and selfless service are not the same as being a doormat, a martyr, or a codependent.
Has the Ego Self Helped or Harmed You?
Has a belief in the Solid, Precious or the Social “I” helped you? Has it harmed you? How, exactly? Think of specific examples.
Then decide for yourself whether living from the “Mere I” would help you live a better life.
For most of us, softening our attachment to self is a life-long journey. Because our sense of “I” is so solid, reactive at the slightest provocation, it can take a long time to peel away the layers of the conditioned self.
As the grasping to a solid self gradually softens, feelings of lightness and freedom simultaneously arises. You come in touch with a fundamental part of yourself—traditionally called the “No Self”—that is more vast, open, spacious, and loving than the “Solid” or “Precious I” could ever be.
I received these oral teachings directly from Tsoknyi Rinpoche. If you would like to learn more, I highly recommend reading Open Heart, Open Mind, Awakening the Power of Essence Love by Tsoknyi Rinpoche.
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