How to Know You’ve Found the One
My completely unscientific, 100% unproven, yet guaranteed fool-proof test for relationship happiness
A couple I know — let’s call them Marty and Jane — have wildly different views on politics. A difference that has become increasingly contentious in recent years.
His approach to the conflict is to try to avoid discussing politics with her. Her approach is to try to change him.
While they’ve become adept at avoiding the subject when they’re alone, she frequently brings it up in the company of other people who share her views, effectively criticizing and alienating him without doing so directly.
It’s quite a skill.
Yet he wants to make her happy. So he responds by redoubling his efforts to please in other ways. To which she responds by refusing to be happy.
They are still together. But I have to wonder how long he will endure the never-ending quest to satisfy her. And how long will she be satisfied with making backhanded digs at him in front of other people?
Shared Values Only Get You So Far
Certainly it would be better if they shared the same political views. Or could find a constructive way to discuss politics. Or agreed to truly avoid it.
A lot of relationship experts would suggest that shared values and beliefs are essential to long-term relationship happiness. But I think there’s something even more fundamental and basic than that: I believe the key to relationship happiness is to find a person who wants to make you happy.
If Marty and Jane had that ingredient in their relationship, I think they could be very happy together, despite their political differences.
Now, notice I didn’t say find someone who makes you happy. That was intentional because what makes you happy will change and evolve. Plus, no one is going to be able to make you happy all the time.
It’s the wants part that is most important. When your partner wants to make you happy, they will inevitably try to make decisions that are in your best interests. They will naturally consider your preferences and feelings. They will work to accommodate you as best they can.
And on the inevitable occasions they don’t succeed, or even if they behave downright selfishly, it won’t matter because you know they will try to rectify the situation. After all, they fundamentally want to make you happy.
A lot of relationship experts would suggest that shared values and beliefs are essential to long-term relationship happiness. But I think there’s something even more fundamental and basic than that: I believe the key to relationship happiness is to find a person who wants to make you happy.
The Other Half of the Equation
Of course, that is only half of the equation. The other half is equally important: You have to allow your partner to make you happy. You have to accept their efforts. You have to understand on a deep level that this is what your partner is offering you and appreciate them for it.
That, to me, is how you know you’ve found the one.
This means that before you can talk about a conflict and reach a compromise, you both have to approach the situation with an underlying attitude of wanting the best for each other.
Obviously, this is quite different from approaching conflict by wanting to win.
Love requires that you accept your partner. It doesn’t require that you become the same as your partner. It doesn’t require that you relinquish your own wants, needs and desires. It simply requires you to allow your partner to be who they are.
Mutually satisfying relationships are ones where both people feel accepted. When your partner wants — even insists — you change or agree with them in certain ways, you grow to not only resent them, you begin to feel that there’s something wrong with you.
No one wants to be in a relationship like that.
By contrast, when someone wants you to be happy, they move heaven and earth to try to give you what you want — provided they can meet your needs.
That’s why looking for someone who wants to make you happy — provided they can — is such a great predictor of relationship satisfaction.
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