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Abstract

useful because I didn’t much like what they said to begin with. I’m a fairly rational person who likes to know what I’m doing and to be in control (and yes, I am dealing with that in therapy), so their advice didn’t appeal initially.They told me to go with my gut. They said that I should let go and let my unconscious tell me who to see. I should go with the flow for a while before I decided whether to work with a therapist or not.This wasn’t the way I usually worked. But, you know what, it did work. It helped me negotiate a couple of tricky stages at the start.<h2 id="ae98">I built a shortlist on gut instinct</h2>Therapists and counsellors in the UK don’t have to have qualifications to set up in business. So, I started my search on the <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb">Psychology Today</a> website. The therapists in its directory are all qualified professionals.I searched for therapists in my area. It was a surprisingly long list. I then drilled it down by type of therapy, issue and cost. It was still a long list. I knocked off people with a waitlist. Still too long.And then I started to think about what my friend had said. Every therapist in the directory has a photo. I found myself reacting to each photo as I looked at their bios.I literally killed most of my shortlist this way. I could look at a photo and make a snap decision on whether I ‘liked’ the look of the therapist or not.Eventually, I drilled down the dwindling list to one therapist. I felt that they looked like someone I could talk to. They would be my first try.<h2 id="440f">I had trial sessions</h2>Most therapists ha

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ve some kind of trial/introductory sessions when you first contact them. Some do this in a phone call; others ask you to commit to one or two meetings before you decide what to do.These conversations are really useful.I had a long phone call with the therapist I chose. We then had two introductory sessions. This helped me decide to go ahead with them.But, this process doesn’t always tell you what you need to know. Some people feel an immediate bond with their therapist; others don’t go back because they don’t like the therapist or the way they work.A lot of the time, I think you simply don’t know at this early stage. I didn’t. All I knew was that I had some indefinable positive feelings about my therapist.I didn’t much want to be in therapy but knew I needed help. I didn’t understand this at the time, but my therapist made me feel heard and safe. My gut instinct told me that I was in the right place. I wanted to see this therapist more than I wanted to quit.My friend warned me that I might need to try a few therapists before I found one I could bond and work with. As they put it, sometimes you need to kiss a few frogs before you find your ideal Prince/Princess. This is perfectly normal.But, I got lucky with my therapist. My first choice turned out to be ‘the one’.I can say that you do know when this happens. You might not initially understand why a therapist makes you feel comfortable, safe and heard, but you feel it. You might still want to run away screaming and dump your sessions at the start, but something keeps you coming back. That’s when you know you have a keeper.</article></body>

How to Know if Your Psychotherapist Is ‘The One’?

Finding the right talk therapist can be hard. Find out how to make it easier.

I had no idea how to find a therapist when I decided I needed therapy. I was pretty sure I wanted to see a psychotherapist but didn’t know how to choose the right one.

Finding a therapist isn’t like finding a plumber. Yes, many therapists have the right experience, but not all of them will be right for you.

You need to find a therapist with whom you can build a bond. But, therapy bonds take time to build — you need time to trust your therapist and feel safe with them. You can’t know if that is going to happen when you first start having sessions.

Plus, if you see a psychotherapist, then you’re put in a situation you’ve probably never been in before. You share your deepest thoughts with someone who shares barely anything about themselves. You don’t have that conventional social interaction at the start of your relationship that tells you if you can talk to this person.

I felt a bit stuck at this stage.

Luckily, I have a friend who is a therapist. They live on the other side of the world so weren’t able to help me find someone local; however, they gave me some tips that turned out to be useful.

I say turned out to be useful because I didn’t much like what they said to begin with. I’m a fairly rational person who likes to know what I’m doing and to be in control (and yes, I am dealing with that in therapy), so their advice didn’t appeal initially.

They told me to go with my gut. They said that I should let go and let my unconscious tell me who to see. I should go with the flow for a while before I decided whether to work with a therapist or not.

This wasn’t the way I usually worked. But, you know what, it did work. It helped me negotiate a couple of tricky stages at the start.

I built a shortlist on gut instinct

Therapists and counsellors in the UK don’t have to have qualifications to set up in business. So, I started my search on the Psychology Today website. The therapists in its directory are all qualified professionals.

I searched for therapists in my area. It was a surprisingly long list. I then drilled it down by type of therapy, issue and cost. It was still a long list. I knocked off people with a waitlist. Still too long.

And then I started to think about what my friend had said. Every therapist in the directory has a photo. I found myself reacting to each photo as I looked at their bios.

I literally killed most of my shortlist this way. I could look at a photo and make a snap decision on whether I ‘liked’ the look of the therapist or not.

Eventually, I drilled down the dwindling list to one therapist. I felt that they looked like someone I could talk to. They would be my first try.

I had trial sessions

Most therapists have some kind of trial/introductory sessions when you first contact them. Some do this in a phone call; others ask you to commit to one or two meetings before you decide what to do.

These conversations are really useful.

I had a long phone call with the therapist I chose. We then had two introductory sessions. This helped me decide to go ahead with them.

But, this process doesn’t always tell you what you need to know. Some people feel an immediate bond with their therapist; others don’t go back because they don’t like the therapist or the way they work.

A lot of the time, I think you simply don’t know at this early stage. I didn’t. All I knew was that I had some indefinable positive feelings about my therapist.

I didn’t much want to be in therapy but knew I needed help. I didn’t understand this at the time, but my therapist made me feel heard and safe. My gut instinct told me that I was in the right place. I wanted to see this therapist more than I wanted to quit.

My friend warned me that I might need to try a few therapists before I found one I could bond and work with. As they put it, sometimes you need to kiss a few frogs before you find your ideal Prince/Princess. This is perfectly normal.

But, I got lucky with my therapist. My first choice turned out to be ‘the one’.

I can say that you do know when this happens. You might not initially understand why a therapist makes you feel comfortable, safe and heard, but you feel it. You might still want to run away screaming and dump your sessions at the start, but something keeps you coming back. That’s when you know you have a keeper.