Pitfall Humor
How to Kiss a Girl in the Eighteenth Century
Whilst avoiding syphilis

Good day virgins!
It is perfectly natural for a young gentleman to be overstrung on precipice of his first kiss with a simpleminded member of the fairer sex. The prospect for embarrassment, the fear he will be rebuffed, and the ever-present risk of contracting cooties may well near paralyze even the most stouthearted bachelor.
Fear not! Although occasionally fatal, most interludes of canoodling are completely harmless — and at times even pleasurable — if one conducts himself according to this strict method.
Step One: Marriage
A maiden’s kiss outside of marriage is as sour as an October lemon floating in a barrel of goat tinkle.
God frowns upon unwed fornicators, but one may swivel that holy frown upside down by having a priest sanctify his bond before he puts any further consideration into tangled tongues.
Step Two: Make Her Wait
It is said that absence makes the heart grow fonder. To this end, take a leave of absence from your wife after the marriage is announced for a period no less than six months in duration. This will allow time for tender juices to marinate.
Step Three: Strengthen the Muscles
During your separation, it is apt to develop the thew of one’s lips. If summer, harvest a raft of plump carrots. Suckle upon the largest of these hearty roots as often as the day permits to prepare the musculature of your mouth for the travails ahead.
If winter, the same brawn in the bone box may be attained with the ice dildos that form upon the roof of one’s dwelling.

Step Four: Mask Your Scent
Upon reuniting with your waiting wife, take care to mask the toilsome reek of this olfactory subpar century. I recommend douching the good woman with bergamot and lemon oil. For the gentlemen, a wholesome soak with the glandular secretions of a civet shall do.
Step Five: Butter Her Countenance
Administering a rich butter to your lips will ensure a smooth, creamy kiss, while shielding your fleshly labium from womanly infections. Your wife, if she is endowed with any merit, will have plenty of butter churned for the occasion.
Those who attempt copulation with unlubricated lips are not but scoundrels and fools.
Step Six: Dispense with Any Protestations
Naturally, your sweetheart might inquire after the purpose of the buttering when you approach her lips. You need not concoct a sensible answer to her inquiries. A simple but firm reminder that she is a girl, and therefore incapable of fully understanding the sound reasoning of her husband will suffice.
Should she persist in spouting humbuggeries, have her repeat the housemaker’s rhyme:
Everyday I pray, ‘Jesus bring me a husband’ To do all the thinking, while I do the dustin’ If a lady wears the pants Then no one enjoys the dance Best that we keep all as it was then.
Step Seven: Govern the Mood
Whilst you wait for the butter to penetrate, extinguish all household candles. Darkness is the hue of romance. One is less inclined to be discouraged if the disapproving scowl of his beloved is indiscernible.
Step Eight: Concealment
Do not reveal your intentions to your wife. Surprise is the most potent of aphrodisiacs. The cunning gentleman befuddles his wife, as he is heard to remark: “I simply can’t stand this new fashion of kissing. Yuck.” Or perhaps he offers to show her his brother’s etching of a half-slaughtered mare, to mask his designs.
Then, when she least suspects it, he begins.
Step Nine: Tease the Woman
Avoid her lips. Commence with a buss of her hand, and then advance to her forearms and elbows. Once these lumps have been seduced, an abrupt shift to kiss the shoulder blades is permissible. Then onward to the earlobes, where one might spend a happy hour in adoration.
Continue this cycle, gently at first, but with increased vigor as the evening wanes.
Step Ten: The Snog
Ultimately, approach her mouth as you would a flaccid balloon. It is most suitable to form an unyielding seal with her mouth and yours. Exhale gingerly, so as to gradually fill her with your male air. The intention is not to inflate your wife all at once, but to proceed in an unhurried fashion.
If her cheeks do not puff up, improve your seal.
Exhale again, only this time plug her nose betwixt your thumb and forefinger to ensure that her air has no method of escape.
Step Eleven: Catch her Swoon
And if she expires into your arms, temporarily insensible on account of acute oxygen deprivation?
Well done chap! Deposit your woman astride the kitchen sink so that once she revives she may continue her chores. Then it’s off to the public house for an earned glass of mead, a satisfying opium pipe, and a chance to wager the remainder of your estate on a spirited round of Mumbly Peg.
The preceding silliness was inspired by this genuine gum advertisement from 1911: