Living Our Best Sex Life
How to Keep Your Spouse in Your Bed
I’m talking sex, and love, and magic
“Intimacy is about sharing something with your spouse that you don’t share with anybody else. It’s letting him in. It’s laughing together. And it’s also feeling that deep hunger for each other!” ― Sheila Wray Gregoire, Nine Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage: Because a Great Relationship Doesn’t Happen by Accident
One of my friends is having problems in the bedroom with her husband of seventeen years. He is still in her bed, but not as often as he once was. She invited me to her home under the guise of making me a delicious lunch. She wanted to know how I kept my husband of four decades in my bed and enthusiastic.
When my spouse met me, I was a broke project girl with a negative net worth of $30K due to school loans. I grew up on the Southside of Chicago, notably the hardest part of town. My spouse came from a family where his father worked in the military and owned a bowling alley. Yea. Our backgrounds were very different.
We met because I was an engineering intern working for Corning Glass Works for the summer deep in ruby-red Indiana. My spouse-to-be was an Engineering Supervisor. His team came over, introduced themselves to me, and told me they had someone they wanted me to meet.
According to him, my tight pink pants caught his attention at work. He followed those pants into the building but did not introduce himself. He claims the generous curves in the pants made him forget his name.
My honey was an attractive man with a good job overflowing with potential. Once we married, I realized women were offering him poonanny to take him from me. After all, who is better than a married man who already takes loving care of a woman and is a brilliant father? If you can seduce him, you win.
The best part was that he claims to this day that he saw nothing, heard nothing, and knew nothing about women working to attract him. He lies. One beautiful woman who looked like Pamela Anderson had the nerve to tell me no man had ever ignored her advances until she met my husband. Thanks, I think.
These women did not know that I knew I was a very lucky girl to have the man I have. We have a private language they do not and cannot speak. I twine sex and love to create magic for him.
“Giving each other the gift of attention that makes you both feel special and seen is important. The happy couples I encounter still flirt — even if they’ve been together for decades. A playful, private language connects two people in a way that is both light-hearted and profound.” thetimes.co.uk, How To Keep Your Marriage Hot
Our exceptional communication made it so no bed was more attractive than mine. My spouse is a nerd engineer; like all of us who were outcast nerds in high school, he wants to be desired. I made sure he knew I wanted him.
She needs to dig down to figure out what are her characteristics that her spouse loves. She must take what she loves about him and use it. No other woman can do that.
It is not the physicality that keeps him passionate; it is what physicality represents, which makes him desire no one except her. Identifying what her husband likes about her is key to getting him more active.
Communication is critical in these situations.
“Open a discussion about sexual desires and interests. Incorporate new activities in the bedroom and change your usual sexual routine and menu. That can range widely from doing something like wearing heels, putting on sexy music, trying new sexual positions, or having sex in a different part of the house, for example.” wellnessinmind.com, Sexless relationships: How to reignite the sexual flame.
But so is having an array of physical things only you can do for your person. I gave her a few examples from my own marriage, all of which use music because my husband loves music.
When I got my first 23% salary bonus check, I gave my spouse his own erotic theatrical performance once the children were snug in their beds. I put on Old Dirty Bastard, Baby I Got Your Money, and a see-through black nightgown. I danced around him with the check in my hand. This reminded him that his bet on me had paid off royally, and I had talents other than making lots of money.
While working on his 2nd master’s degree, he was surrounded by hot young college women all the time. He came home one evening to me dancing around in my sexy underwear to Adina Howard’s ‘Freak Like Me.’ I noted he liked the song because he played the video often. That evening, I stole the song for myself. Whenever that song played, I was the one in his mind. He got plenty of ‘attention’ that night.
The other thing was, I knew how he saw himself once we were married. He saw himself as the provider and protector of our home, and he was. Because we both started with nothing, there were years when it was lean. Whenever I saw the burden becoming heavy, I would refocus him on the other thing he was: my lover.
During one particularly tough month, when ends did not want to meet, I sent the kids to my mom’s. I cooked him a delicious dinner, provided him ample drinks, and revealed that I had come across a video that reminded me of him. I said the man in the video had his dance moves.
I put on Ginuwine’s ‘My Pony.’ Then I got up, showing him the moves I thought were his that Ginuwine had duplicated. Those next two hours put a grin on his face that lasted years. He still smiles whenever that song comes on.
For my friend, we worked on what she could do with food since her spouse loves to try new recipes and textures with food. We devised a few tricks for her to incorporate into her wifely skills. She will be the new recipe.
Ultimately, it comes down to understanding what your honey’s needs are. He does not exist as only his fully formed adult self. The child, the teenager, and the man exist simultaneously.
Appreciate where he is coming from, make sure he is empathetic with your deepest self (you must share!), and combine that consideration with sex. It makes magic. You will not need to worry about how many other women may also want him.
Let them do their thing. He is yours. You represent sex, and love, and magic. And 40 years later, he will still be right there beside you.
Toni Crowe The Writer| LinkedIn |Twitter/X| Medium| Facebook| AmazonAuthorPage |
Toni Crowe retired from corporate America as an Executive Vice President for a Fortune 500 Aerospace company. She learned many hard lessons on her way to success, which she shares in her book, Bullets, and Bosses Don’t Have Friends — Winner of the 2019 Readers Favorite Gold Award in Non-Fiction, Occupational. Available on Amazon.com. It’s a must-read for those trying to get ahead.
