How to Keep Secrets

How, why, and when not to.

People tell me secrets. I should be flattered they trust me but, IT. DRIVES. ME. CRAZY.

They say, “Don’t tell anyone!”. BUT YOU TOLD ME. You are asking me to do something you couldn’t do and it is YOUR secret.

I thought this should be obvious, but if something is a real secret, DON’T TELL ANYONE! Navigating the handling of secrets is an important part of being a successful human. Secrets are dramatic and an issue in everyone’s lives.

Secrets exist in a context. You must understand the context to deal with secrets competently. Realize everyone has secrets. Understand secrets have differing levels of significance, but they are important to at least one person. Shame and guilt are powerful emotions and motivators. If you tell a secret, you lose credibility even if the secret feels inconsequential or the relationship with the person is distanced.

Historical quotes show us how deadly serious secrets can be.

Dead men tell no tales. Pirate saying. If four know a secret, it only stays a secret if 3 are dead. Mafia saying. Three may keep a secret if two are dead. Benjamin Franklin. Snitches get stitches. Criminal saying.

When to not keep a secret. Despite the importance of secrets, keeping a secret can be a wrong choice. Significant harm can sometimes be avoided by revealing a secret. The long-term psychic and physical costs of keeping a secret can be high.

Sometimes people don't want secrets to be kept. Telling a secret can be essential to move on from an unpleasant experience.

You can ask not to be burdened with a secret. Just say, “Don’t tell me.” or “I don’t want to know.”. It is easier to avoid the burden of a secret by never knowing it.

Try not to classify things as secrets. If someone tells you a supposed secret, say something like, “That is not really a secret.” Often this can reveal what is gossip you don’t have to take seriously and what is an important secret to the other person.

If you just can’t keep a secret any longer, tell the person to come clean so it is not a burden to you or if you must be the one to reveal the secret, give them notice they can prepare for the negative consequences.

Sometimes you may desire or be pressured into telling a secret. You need to balance the benefit or harm from telling the secret and the consequences to the relationship and your reputation when deciding. Be careful. The long-term effect may be much greater than the short-term uncomfortable feelings of keeping a secret.

In a 1996 meta-study of research on secrets up until that time, psychology researchers A.E. Kelly and KJ McKillop claimed that even revealing one’s own secrets can be damaging if not handled or received well by the listener.

Reveal a secret to test trust. We probably have all seen spy or crime dramas that use this technique, but you can adapt it to your real life.

In espionage situations, to find a mole or leak in an organization, several small secrets are passed to individuals under suspicion. The secret that turns up in the “enemy’s hands” reveals who is the traitor and who is loyal.

A good way to test the character of new or old acquaintances is to reveal something slightly embarrassing about yourself. If they tell others, they are out.If they react with indifference or mock you, they are out. We only want loyal, supportive people in our inner circle.

How to keep secrets. 1 Don't tell anyone. This is the best way to keep a secret.

“How can we expect another to keep our secret if we have been unable to keep it ourselves.” -Francois de la Rochefoucauld, 17th Cen. French writer.

2 Never document. Do not write the secret down or record it anywhere. If you can’t stop yourself, try numbers 11 to 13.

3 Pretend it never happened. Practice self-delusion so you don’t slip up. Every time the secret bubbles up into your consciousness, smash it down.

“If you want to keep a secret you must also hide it from yourself.” -George Orwell.

4 Understand the seriousness of the consequences. Some secrets, if revealed, can destroy careers or lives. Be clear about what is at stake.

5 Have cover stories ready and rehearsed. Don’t draw attention by bumbling answers to basic questions.

6 Change the subject or distract. Don’t allow any focus on the area near the secret. Keep moving to the next topic or problem.

7 If pressed you can say, “Sorry, I can't tell anyone.” This may spike suspicion from some, but if you are stuck, it can work. Many people will respect this stance even if they want to know the information.

8 Have a no sharing policy. You can pull this one out anytime. Works best if everyone knows it is your M.O. If this is your consistent policy, it is much harder for others to know when you are covering up a secret.

9 Talk less. The less you say, the less chance you will slip up.

10 Focus on the future and be very busy. Secrets are part of the past. Keep away from the secret by looking to the future. Busyness keeps retrospection about the past to a minimum.

11 Talk to the mirror. Secrets are safest when you don’t tell anyone. But you can talk to yourself. Speak to yourself in the mirror if you need to talk to someone. Just make sure no one is listening.

12 Talk to a pet or animal. This is one of the best reasons to have a pet. Pets are superb listeners and never tell. Wild animals are even better.

13 Write it down and then immediately destroy it. Pour out your heart on paper. You’ll feel lighter. Then take out a lighter and burn it.

Key takeaways. Understand how important handling secrets can be in life. Avoid keeping secrets if possible. Be familiar with ways to keep secrets. If you don’t want everyone to know your secret, DO NOT TELL ANYONE!

What's my secret? - I'll never tell.