How to Initiate Sex When You’re Too Shy

I learned to ask without asking

Initiating sex never used to be a concern for me. In fact, I can’t remember ever having to initiate sex as a teenager.

My boyfriends initiated plenty, so I didn’t really have to think about it.

I didn’t need to initiate sex at parties, either. In fact, no one did. Drunken party hookups just had a natural progression to them. We’d flirt. We’d make out. Then we’d get handsy. And eventually we wound up with our pants off.

I’m kind of glad it happened that way, because if I had to initiate sex, I’m not sure I would’ve had any. I may have been an incredibly horny seventeen-year-old, but I was also devastatingly shy.

I had a filthy mouth. I would talk about sex at every opportunity.

But even thinking about asking for sex or telling someone I wanted it then and there would practically paralyze me.

When I first met my future husband, initiating was still a non-issue. He had an insatiable sex drive and if I felt in the mood, I wouldn’t have to wait a long time before he put the moves on me.

But then my libido started slowing down. And a few years into our marriage, it practically disappeared.

Neither of us knew at the time that it was all due to some medical conditions I was (and still am) dealing with.

What we did know, though, is that sex wasn’t a given anymore. To actually get somewhere, my husband had to put the moves on me and make it clear that he wanted to fuck.

And he was always the one who needed to initiate. Not just because he had the higher libido, but because I was still too shy to initiate sex, even with the man I married.

Being Shy Cheated Me Out of Sexual Pleasure

When my libido was at its worst, we could go for months without sex.

It’s not that my libido was completely dead. It’s just that it flared up rarely and usually at the wrong times.

Every few weeks, I’d get in the mood, but it would only last for about an hour or two. And that hour or two was usually when one of us had to deal with the kids or when my husband was out leading a seminar on campus.

I got sick and tired of having a sexless marriage just because I couldn’t get horny at the right times. So, as soon as I felt my libido stirring, I did everything I could to keep those embers hot.

Cultivating that little tinge of horniness wasn’t easy. I would read erotica and watch porn throughout the day. Basically, when I wasn’t getting the kids snacks, putting them for naps, or setting them up with games to play, I would be exposing myself to a non-stop stream of smut.

It’s a delicate balance to keep your libido up when you’re going from tantrums to threesomes, from diapers to deep dicking, and from cleanup to cumshots. But I usually managed to keep my desire alive long enough to still want sex by the time my husband and I went to bed.

All he had to do was put the moves on me. But most of the time, he didn’t.

Here’s the thing with initiating. After weeks of trying on and off with no results, he was mostly off. I can’t blame him for not putting the moves on me after getting rejected more than twenty times in a row.

So, the ball was in my court, and I dropped it every single time.

I had spent all day making sure I wanted sex. I did everything I could to keep my thoughts dirty and my intentions pervy. I wasted hours and hours building up to this moment.

And with a simple “Goodnight, I love you” it just fell through my fingers. We turned off the lights and went to sleep.

All because I was still too shy to ask my husband to fuck me.

I had half-solved one problem — I managed to get myself horny enough to overcome my lagging libido — but now I was just stuck with another one. If I wasn’t going to spend my whole life missing out on sexual pleasure, I had to learn to find a way to initiate that didn’t fill me with anxiety.

How a Shy Gal Like Me Asks for Sex

I Ask Nonverbally

The easiest way I can ask for sex when I’m too shy to say it out loud is to use my body.

I’ll usually come up with some kind of pretense for my husband to touch me. I’m not above pretending I’m cold so he’ll come warm me up. Once the summer rolls around, I have to retire that move for a while, but I can still ask for cuddles.

Most of the time now, I ask for a massage. Not only is it more likely to get me feeling even friskier, but I have legit muscle pain every evening.

Plus, it’s a good idea to loosen up the muscles before I get ready for some action.

Getting him close to me is part one. Once he’s there, I still have to show him I’m DTF.

When I’m feeling especially bold, I’ll grind my body against his. Rubbing my ass against his crotch really only means one thing, so he gets the picture straight away.

Other times, I’ll just react to his touch in a way that signals I want him to do more to me. I’ll squirm at the lightest touch. And even though I stopped faking orgasms, I’ll make myself breathe so heavily when his hand is on my hip that I probably sound like I’m about to come.

With all that squirming and heavy breathing, there’s a slight risk that he’ll call an ambulance instead of putting his hand down my pants, but thankfully he always gets the picture.

I Use the Horny Scale

Mr. Austin and I once came across this thing called the horny scale. Basically, it’s a way to rank how horny you are, from a one (“even Frank Sinatra’s ghost crooning at me couldn’t get me there”) to a five (“honestly, you should be impressed I haven’t stripped down to my socks”).

The idea is to use it to tell your partner how likely they are to get sex by simply giving your number. Like, “I don’t know about you honey, but I’m at about a three right now.”

When we first read about it, we had to laugh because it would never work for us. He’s got the libido of a teenage boy, so I don’t think it ever would dip below a four, and mine was pretty much always at a one. No need to use the scale when our needles don’t really budge.

The horny scale became an inside joke. He would kiss me on the cheek and I’d say “Nice try, but I’m still at a one” or I’d try on a new outfit and he’d say “If I wasn’t already at a five, I’m sure that would get me there.”

We laughed about it pretty damn regularly. Until one day, I just blurted it out: “I don’t know how tonight will go, but I’m at a three right now.”

And that was it. The scale we made fun of became the scale I used to communicate about my levels of desire.

Now, I use it earnestly, whether it’s saying “I’m at a two today, so I really don’t know if anything’s going to happen tonight” or “I’m at a four, so I’d try my luck if I were you.”

And I realized why it’s so great for a shy person. It’s not just that it gives you a euphemism for your own horniness (or lack thereof), it’s that you’re not actually asking for sex at all — you’re just saying how receptive you are.

It also works on another level. One of the reasons I’m reluctant to ask for sex is that I have a fear of rejection. Saying “I’m at a four” is just putting out there that I’m open to being seduced. If it doesn’t lead to anything, I won’t feel as crushed.

But mostly it’s just a convenient, non-explicit way to communicate where we’re at (though I still haven’t heard a number under four from Mr. Austin).

I Initiate Online

Okay, so this one’s cheating a little because technically I’m asking explicitly. But even a super shy person like me can kind of let loose over text or email.

Sometimes, I can barely even act coy in person, but if I get on Gmail I’m able to fire off an email telling my husband to bring his tongue to the bedroom.

After we’ve flirted for a bit in person, I might grab my phone once I’m alone and type out a message to let him know I’m down for a little more seduction.

It also works the other way around. One of the really crappy things about being so shy is that, on top of having a hard time initiating sex, I also have a hard time explicitly turning it down. I can be more direct about that over email, too. Instead of just trying to look a little disinterested, I can say something direct like “You’re giving me more ‘fuck me’ vibes than a pair of high heels, but I’m really not feeling it today.”

Shy Girls Need Sex Too!

I’m trying to work on building confidence and overcoming my shyness. I do some of that work with my husband because I feel safe and comfortable with him.

I’ve made progress. I’m getting naked in front of him more often and I sometimes manage to tell him — to his face! — that I want to bone down.

But I’m still a work in progress. I can’t always initiate sex so explicitly. And even when I could bring myself to do it, I don’t always want to. So, I keep using these tricks.

And they work. These methods have had a 100% success rate for me. I might still be painfully shy, but my days of going to bed horny and unfucked are long gone.

If you liked this article, you should totally check out the Edge Me, Daddy (Pleasurable Frustration, Explosive Orgasms, and Getting Dirty Horny) episode of my dirty and intimate sex podcast, Pillow Talk With Emma Austin!

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