How to Increase Motherhood Joy in Semi-Isolation

A mother is not a person to lean on but a person to make leaning unnecessary — Dorothy Canfield Fisher

We don’t always realize what’s missing in our life until we find it again.

Our lives can continue along linearly, without incident, trauma, adversity, and with a level of relative contentment.

It’s often only when there’s a dramatic change in our circumstances we become aware of what’s missing.

This missing element can be positive or negative.

When it’s serendipitous joy, it’s great.

Serendipitous because it’s unexpected, unplanned, and a pleasant surprise.

Joyful, because it illustrates a whole new dimension to your life. It can add color, vibrancy, laughter, purpose, and commitment.

Last week

I had lunch with a friend, and she was telling me about two of her four children staying with her for seven weeks during the lockdown. Working at home in the city during lockdown was still a risk for them. It was also much more limiting than staying with her, as the younger one was sharing with two others, making it challenging to work from home. The interim relocation made sense. Her home is large, and in a beautiful part of the coast.

She remarked how different it was to revisit the “mummy” mode again. Cooking for big strapping boys who are always hungry, she said, was a challenge. I could see, however, despite the words, she’d enjoyed it immensely.

As she spoke, I could hear the surprise in her voice at what she discovered about these men, aged 22 and 28.

Her older son lives alone, having left home a decade ago, and she said how much she enjoyed their time together, especially preparing meals. His familiarity with the job, having great suggestions for what to cook and how he was better at estimating quantities than his mother, was illuminating for her — seeing him in a new light and a new role.

My friend’s sons managed their “working from her home” with a strict regimen, working a full day with conference calls as needed, and taking weekends off.

During the weekends, they were able to manage bike rides or walks, taking her dog with them. She was telling me about the new paths she’s discovered for dog walks. Usually, my friend and I take our dogs to the off-leash area at the beach, as the dogs enjoy the run and the water, while we enjoy each other’s company.

The significant difference for her this time was the length of her sons’ stay. When her children visit, it’s busy and short-term. There’s little time for her to have individual conversations with any of the children.

I could hear her pride when she mentioned incidents during their stay. She was confirming her own approval as a parent, as a caregiver. I also heard the self-congratulatory emotions of achievement, showing she liked her sons as men.

And she deserved this self-praise, even if it was internalized.

She was glad she said, to be on her own, again.

How much contact with grown children is emotionally rewarding?

How do you measure this variable? How do you measure emotional reward?

Adult children may contact their parents by text every one or two weeks, while conscientious, or insecure others may speak with their parents in person or by phone, two, three, or more times a day.

Do you know a parent who receives frequent text messages from an adult child while socializing or entertaining?

These conversations could be anything from trivial matters to essential issues. This frequency is entirely dependent on the relationship, the type of family and upbringing, long-term interaction, independence, and dependency.

Current forms of communication can be frustrating for parents. Many adult children don’t answer their cellphones; they keep the voicemail boxes full; and if you can leave a message, it’s doubtful they will listen to it. Emails don’t get read unless you send a text to alert them to read your email — Susan Newman, Ph.D., “365 Ways to Say it and Mean it — and Stop People-Pleasing Forever.”

Loss of contact

No doubt you’re aware of families burdened with estrangement and broken-hearted with ‘no contact’ or ‘low contact’ adult children.

We all need connection, as we’re social beings. However, there are parents of adult children who have infrequent or no contact. Their children are busy with their own lives — managing jobs, their children, and everyday living. It’s easy to forget when you had the last contact with your parents.

Contact with adult children can affect parents’ moods

A study through the University of Texas, “The Ties That Bind: Midlife Parents’ Daily Experiences with Grown Children,” found 96 percent of the sample parents with children over the age of 18, spoke with, or texted, or saw them in person during one week.

Unsurprising, most of these contacts were daily. The researchers were looking at the mode of communication and the influence on the quality of the parent-child relationship. The research also addressed how the contact impacted the mood and well-being of the parent.

The study found overall positive or negative communication, with very few neutral interactions.

… the study reveals parental feelings after contact with grown children are varied; they can be quite uplifting or upsetting in different circumstances. In short, it may be a mixed blessing that you can’t reach your adult child — Susan Newman, Ph.D.

Positive or negative relationships?

The relationship’s quality correlated to the contact frequency and the impact of the contact. Parents with a positive relationship had daily contact via all methods of communication, although there was no definition of how a positive relationship was determined.

Unfortunately, these results may be inconclusive as the information relied on self-reporting through diary records and self-analysis of the impact of the contact.

Other studies have shown it’s the adult child who is more likely to break contact with the parent than the reverse happening.

We know there are more studies conducted on the negative aspects of relationships than positive ones. And we understand the purpose of these studies as a means of influencing change. Good relationships don’t require as much hard work or healing, but we know they can require considerable attention and maintenance.

Do you live with your parents?

Other studies are finding fewer children in the age group 18–34 years leaving home at all, while other children may leave and then return.

Researchers note the reasons are not always economical ones. They conclude the reasons are about the delay in romantic attachment and marriage, delay in co-habitation, or not wanting to live alone.

Both parents and children found they liked living together, enjoyed each other’s company, and got along well.

In these circumstances, ground rules are needed to make sure the time together is congenial, as living together under one roof again can be a big adjustment. Most parents in the study reported they enjoyed the extended family reality.

You probably have examples of this happening, where the family relationships are always excellent, with great communication and without constraint. You also may know other families where this arrangement wouldn’t work at all, as Tolstoy said,

All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.

Respect for each other and observing common courtesies are vital, as is being sensitive to problems facing your “housemates.”

This consideration is what turns family relationships into enduring friendships.

Would extended family living work for you, or increase the joy for your mother?