How to Improve your Life by Becoming an Excellent Communicator

Three ideas to get that guy or girl, that job or that promotion!

How many times have you thought to yourself…?

“If I was a better communicator I would have”:

• made her/him fall in love with me
• killed that interview and been hired
• had visibility in my job and been promoted
• managed to sell my project to a potential investor
• been able to keep my team more motivated and happier
• argued less with my significant other (and even won some arguments!)
• managed to be closer to my kids

We are constantly communicating. Everything we do communicates.

“You cannot not communicate.” Paul Watzlawick

We communicate with our body language, with the way we talk, the way we walk and dress, or the way we give a handshake (although this habit might disappear soon). We communicate with the way we look at other people, or the way we listen, even we are quiet we are communicating.

But we often forget this fact and, even if we are aware of it, we just don’t take advantage of it and we do not take action to improve our communication.

The thing is, being a better communicator is not that hard!!

Communication, just like leadership, is a practicable and learnable skill. It begins with being aware we have room for improvement and then taking action to improve.

1. Embrace the Power of Listening

Have you ever tried listening? But I mean, really listening…?

We are not aware of the immense power of listening, and we hardly pay any attention to it. In a rushed world full of distractions, we are just not trained any more to actively listen to other people.

And, when we do listen, we are thinking about what we are going to say next when they finish, or how we are going to show our disagreement, reply to their opinion or argument, or give them advice they are probably not looking for.

“Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.” Steven Covey

We all like and need to be listened to. It makes us feel important.

If you want to make someone’s day better try asking them how they are and listen to them with undivided attention. Try it.

Stop thinking about going to the grocery store or your to-do list. Be genuinely interested. Ask them questions, maintain eye contact with them, turn your body to face them, nod, and make them feel you think what they have to say is important.

They will feel like they are the center of attention and enjoy that temporary protagonism. When they finish talking they will probably say “wow!! That felt great!! What a great conversation!! I love talking to you!!”.

Next time they see you they will be thrilled because by making them feel listened to you have built a bond with them that changed your relationship forever.

Now, harnessing this “superpower” is simple. Not easy, but simple.

It just takes practice. You just need to practice focusing on the other person. Try to understand what is on their mind and what it is they are communicating, verbally, and non-verbally with their body language. Ask yourself how they feel, what are they saying, and if there is any underlying message.

But don’t give them your advice. Just listen and watch, and nod and ask questions. Listen!

Becoming a better listener will give you an amazing edge in life since you will learn to understand other people and how they feel. By offering them your time and undivided attention you will build a strong trust that will greatly improve your relationships immediately.

2. Shift your Focus

Not everything is about ourselves.

We are constantly thinking about what we want and what we need, especially when we communicate.

What if, instead of saying what we want, we say what we think our the other person or your audience needs to hear? Instead of thinking about us, what if we shift our focus and start thinking about them?

If you try to be of service and provide value to the other person or your audience, your communication will be exponentially more effective. And you can apply this philosophy to any and all channels you use for communication. Whether it be an email, a presentation, a phone call, or any other interaction, if you think about them and what they need to hear, your message will hit home much better.

“The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others.” Mahatma Gandhi

Think of public speaking for example. By the way, do you hate public speaking?

Imagine yourself delivering a presentation in front of 200 people.

Your pulse is racing. Your hands are shaking and your palms are sweaty. Your mouth is dry. You can barely speak. You are considering storming out of the room, running away, and not looking back…

Why is that?

Because you are thinking about yourself. You are worried you will not be up to the audience’s expectations, worried you’ll be unmasked for not being knowledgeable enough, of making them waste their time…

Now shift your focus. Stop thinking about yourself. Think about your audience. What do they need to hear? Focus on that. Deliver value to them. You are the expert on the matter in that room, be of service to them!

Once you have shifted your focus remember to consider:

• Your message — is it simple, clear, and complete? Easy to understand? Can it be misinterpreted?
• Your tone — are you speaking passionately, in a manner that is attractive, or are you killing them with your monotony?
• Your body language — are you transmitting your passion also with your non-verbal expression?
• Your context — are you using the right tools and techniques? are there any communication barriers to bear in mind?

If you remember to do these things, I guarantee they will love you, and you will have forgotten how nervous you were at the beginning!!

And this applies to any other situation in your life where you have to interact with people.

If you consider these ideas and shift your focus to your audience, you will enhance your communication exponentially and be on your way to being an excellent communicator.

3. Use Stories

Remember when you were a little kid and your parents, or perhaps your grandparents, would tell you stories before going to bed?

They would start with “once upon a time…”, and take you places you had never been to, or heard of, and make you feel as if you were there.

Now think of yourself nowadays. Don’t you love listening or reading a good story and visualizing what it would be like to be in that certain place and to get an idea of how you would feel?

A good story will take you there. A good story has the power to engage, influence, teach and inspire. A good story can put your whole brain to work.

Communication through storytelling has existed since the beginning of humanity and it is the most effective way to share ideas in a manner that will be easily understood by the listener (or reader!).

Evolution has wired our brains for storytelling. According to psychology professor Uri Hasson from Princeton University, “a story is the only way to activate parts in the brain so that a listener turns the story into their own idea and experience”.

“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” Maya Angelou

So why not include stories in your communication toolbox?

The next time you struggle with getting people on board with your projects and ideas, try telling them a story where the outcome is that doing what you had in mind is the best thing to do.

Or the next time you have to deliver a presentation, kick it off with a good story. You will grab your audience’s attention from the start and it will make your presentation memorable.

Take Away

Becoming a better communicator is not that hard. It is a practicable, learnable skill. It requires practice and awareness of the fact that everything we do communicates. Everything we say, do or fail to do and say, sends a message.

One way to rapidly improve is to become a better listener. Learning to listen with undivided attention to another person will allow you to make that person feel special and improve your relationship directly.

Another thing you can try is to shift your focus to your audience. The moment the focus is on them your communication becomes more effective because you are trying to give them what you think they need. You start focusing on being of service to them and providing value. That is a gamechanger.

Last but not least, try storytelling. If you’re trying to engage, influence, teach or inspire others, you should use stories. According to Princeton researcher Hasson, storytelling is the only way to plant ideas into other people’s minds.

And remember, in the end, people won’t remember what you said or did, they will remember how you made them feel.