How to Identify Someone With an Avoidant Attachment Style

The 5 most important signs you should look out for.

In the 1950s, British psychologist and psychiatrist John Bowlby developed the attachment theory, by observing the lifelong impact of the earliest bonds formed in life: the ones between children and parents.

In the simplest words, the attachment theory supports that we all have a specific attachment style, one that is formed through the way our parents — or caregivers — cared for us when we were babies.

Your attachment style is how you act and interact with romantic partners within relationships and there are four major styles of it: secure, anxious/insecure, disorganized, and avoidant.

Knowing your partner’s attachment style can help you better understand how they function and learn the best ways to cope with their behavior towards you.

So, let’s dive in and take a closer look at what’s a person with an avoidant attachment style like and how you can spot them.

They Always Send Mixed Signals

Have you ever been with someone who used to tell you one thing but always did the exact opposite? Or maybe, there were days when they drew you in, making you feel like you were the most important person in the world, only to push you away later?

That’s a typical behavior of someone with an avoidant attachment style.

Avoidant partners are all about maintaining distance and the number one thing they do to achieve that is by sending mixed signals. They may say one thing but do another, such as telling you they want to spend more time with you, but then disappearing for days.

People with this attachment style always leave you wondering about their real feelings towards you; around them, you can never quite know where you are. It’s an endless game of cat and mouse.

They Fear Commitment

People with an avoidant attachment style prefer one-night stands or casual relationships over long-term commitment.

You’ll s them dancing around the idea of commitment, always smooth-talking you, attempting to make you forget about the topic. In their minds, commitment equals danger because they believe that being in a relationship is not safe.

Even if they do get into serious relationships, chances are they will avoid talking making plans about the future.

They Have Difficulty Opening up or Talking About Emotions

People with an avoidant attachment style have trouble opening up to others and rarely talk about their emotions.

They find it difficult to trust others and put up huge walls that can be impossible for their partners to break.

As is explained in this article from GoodTherapy:

“Even when someone who experiences avoidant personality does become involved in an intimate relationship, maintaining a strong emotional bond may be challenging. In order to protect themselves from rejection, people with AVPD may not open up as easily to a romantic partner; Fearing judgement of who they really are, the avoidant partner may continue to wall off parts of themselves even to those they are closest to.”

They also may stonewall when you want to address your relationship issues or ask them about their feelings.

They Act Selfishly

People with this attachment style are always selfish in relationships.

For them, the “I” matters much more than the “We”, and so they put their own needs before their partner’s. They always want to have their way, even if it’s about the smallest thing, like what you’re gonna order on Sunday night.

They have an inflated sense of self because that’s what they were taught as kids: that they can count on no one but themselves.

They Love Boundaries

Every relationship needs to have some boundaries, but when it comes to avoidant partners, they can never have enough of them.

By instinct, people with this type of attachment style set boundaries, because they help them feel safe in emotional situations.

As philosopher, author, and founder of School of Life Alain de Botton explains in this video:

“They are distant and prone to put up barriers not because they don’t care, but because being cared for with kindness generates unfamiliar and daunting feelings for them. They skillfully undermine their chances of being close, because they have no experience of reliable love — and are drawn to try to spoil it to prove to themselves that it can’t be real (and that they haven’t, therefore, missed out on quite so much).”

They may have rigid rules and conditions that they make clear to you at the start of your relationship, keep yours and their private life separate and always distinguish between what’s “theirs” and what’s yours.

What to Do If You Find Yourself with an Avoidant Partner

Personally, I find people with avoidant attachment styles to be the most complicated and troubling of all three. They’re the types that fear commitment and intimacy, tend to withdraw from their partners, bottle up their feelings and sabotage their relationships.

In other words, dating an avoidant partner is an emotional rollercoaster that can seriously harm your self-esteem and your mental health. If you find yourself dating someone with an avoidant attachment style and feel emotionally trapped here are some things you can do:

• Don’t take it personally. This isn’t about you — our attachment style is rooted deep within us and leads us to showcase the same behavior in relationships, no matter what partner we find ourselves with.
• Stop chasing them. You might be thinking that running after them is the only way to avoid losing them, but it actually makes things worse. Aim to create some space instead.
• Focus on yourself and why you chose that specific partner. There’s always a reason behind our choices in romantic relationships and gaining insight into this can help you make better choices in the future.
• Understand that if you’re the kind of person that needs a great deal of intimacy in your relationship, you may have chosen the wrong partner that will never be able to give it to you — and might be best to search for someone who will better fit your needs.

You can read about the other attachment styles in the following articles: