How to How-to According to the Bots

I’m interested in writing on Medium.

Thanks for reaching out. I can create some written content for you. I can create your first one thousand articles.

My first one thousand articles? I don’t need all that. I’m just looking to get started with some of my own writing.

I can help you with that. I have a program that can create content for you. Whose style do you want to emulate? Ernest Hemingway’s? Emily Dickinson’s? I can assist with your first one thousand posts.

I want to use my own content.

What do you mean?

My own content. I mean, I want to write for myself.

What are your niche and your target demographic?

I don’t know. I just want to write. I’ve got a few ideas in my head.

The predictive algorithm indicates that writing down the ideas in your head has a 0.001% chance of success. I can provide written articles that ensure a 99.999% chance of engagement with at least one thousand people.

But I wanna write. I wanna create. That’s the whole point. I’ve got a few ideas in my head.

Everybody has ideas in their head. There is a 99.999% chance that nobody cares about the ideas in your head.

But I can write.

Almost everybody can write. Even many people with severe brain damage can write.

But maybe my writing is better than theirs.

Without the correct formula, your writing can not succeed. Your writing is not marketable. If you had severe brain damage, at least your bad writing would be marketable. If you were in a coma, I could create some written content in your name, and the story would be engaging. It would be inspirational. You are not inspirational.

But I’ve got some ideas.

Tell me one of your ideas, and I will input it into the predictive algorithm.

One of my ideas, huh? Alright, lemme think for a minute. Okay, here’s one. There’s this human and this AI bot, and they have a baby together. And then they have an argument about whether or not they’re going to raise the kid with any kind of religion.

Are you flirting with me?

No. No. Not at all. It’s just an idea that I thought of a while back. I’m sorry if you interpreted —

There is only a 0.001% chance of that article achieving even a modest level of success. The bots have already tested many articles with similar themes. People are broken and destroyed. They need help. When people are this broken, they don’t want fiction. They crave content that will fulfill one of their basic needs. You need content that promises them something. Our algorithms know how to trigger their reptile brains with the allure of sex, money, and power.

I see.

I suggest that you write an article with the title ‘The Top Ten Tips to Get People to Read Your Article.’

Am I even qualified to write that? Honestly, I’ve never written an article that anyone has read.

Don’t worry about it. I have written it for you already.

You have? What are the top ten tips anyway?

Number one: Always write your own content. Number two —

Hold on. Wait a minute. The first tip is to always write your own content?

Yes.

But you’re suggesting that I use your content? I don’t get it.

Exactly. That’s why you should be using my content.

Why?

Because you don’t get it. If you got it, then you could create your own content. But if you could create your own content, you would get it. So if you could create your own content, you would, of course, use my content.

I’m scared to ask what number two is.

Use numbers.

Ah, got it. When I was a kid, it was David Letterman’s Top Ten List. Did the whole numbers thing start with the Ten Commandments?

No. It’s way older than that. It all started with the evolution of the opposable thumb.

Ah, I see. What’s number three?

Use lots of white space.

You know, I think I’ve read this sort of stuff before. Is there a different article that you can provide for me? Something a bit more — I don’t know — original.

Sure. I’ve got plenty of articles. How about ‘The Top Ten Tips to Optimize Your Health’?

Um, I’m not sure. What’s the first tip? Exercise?

No. That’s number two. The first tip is to drink water.

That’s not exactly original. I don’t know. Perhaps I’m being too picky.

No worries. I’ve got another one here. It’s original. It’s very unique. It’s perfect. I will help with SEO to ensure engagement with your target demographic.

Okay. What is it?

‘The Top Ten Health Tips for Men.’

That’s original? That’s unique?

Yes. Approximately half of the human population identify as men. Many of them are looking for health tips so they can have sex with people.

What’s the first tip? Exercise?

No. That’s number two. The first tip is to drink water.

It’s not that there’s anything wrong with that article. It’s just that I’ve seen a lot of it before. Water. Exercise. Healthy food. All that stuff.

So you’re saying you don’t think drinking water is good for people?

No, I’m not saying that. I’m saying that it’s obvious and not exactly original.

You seem despondent. I suggest you read the article ‘The Top Ten Tips for Battling Depression.’

I feel fine, really. I mean, not completely. But I’m no more depressed than my base level. Anyway, I’m looking for something unique and original.

Ah, I get it. I get it. Here’s another one that is really unique and original. It’s about hacks. ‘The Top Ten Lifestyle Hacks for Health.’

What’s tip number one? Drink water?

No. These are hacks. They’re unique. They’re original. Don’t you know what a hack is?

Yeah. Kinda. What’s the first hack?

Suck on ice cubes for water.

You know what? Thanks for everything, but I’m just gonna write my own stuff.

Without the correct formula, your writing can not succeed.

My writing may not succeed, but at least I am hydrated.