How to Help Your Loved Ones in the Event of Your Death

A practical guide to getting your affairs in order, even if you don’t have or need a will or trust

Death is inevitable, but there are times when it seems more inevitable than others.

It’s not pleasant to think about our own death, but doing so and planning for it can be a supremely loving act for those who are left behind. It can give us a sense of satisfaction to feel prepared even for the worst-case scenario that we might die.

This guide will help you create a practical collection of information to help a loved one deal with the end of your life. It’s a document that anyone can create to feel a greater sense of serenity that their loved ones will be able to handle the more mundane matters they will face: getting access to your accounts, finding your legal documents, understanding the level of your estate planning, and so forth.

This guide will not help you create a will, the legal document that describes how to distribute your property when you are gone. If you have a will, this will be a useful adjunct. A will specifies who gets what. This document says where things are and how to access them.

And this is strictly a guide for personal affairs, and it does not include what business owners should do for how to handle their business in the event of their death; I have no experience with that type of planning.

I’ve gone through this process myself fully two times. The first was when I entered the Peace Corps in 2011. The vast amounts of materials included in my acceptance packet actually had some helpful suggestions (and required forms) that took a clear-eyed view of the relative risk involved with that undertaking. The second was just last week, in the shadow of the current COVID-19 pandemic.

My plan is to survive COVID-19 and embrace the difficult lessons it has to teach me, and to prepare accordingly. That preparation, however, has to include the very likely chance that I’ll become sick myself, as well as the more remote possibility that I could die. I’m not going to argue statistics here—we don’t yet have good enough data to do that, anyway. But given my age and the data that is available, my odds seem to be about 1-in-100 of succumbing to this disease. That’s high enough to merit preparation in case I can’t avoid getting it in the first place. If I wait until I get sick, it will be too late.

I suggest you read through this guide once, and then plan some focused time to go through it, create the document, and gather the supporting materials.

The motivation and experience behind this process

My real motivation for preparing for this comes from watching other loved ones die. I have seen two people prepare for their own death, and I’ve seen the real pattern of disease and death overtaking them before they could finish tying up the loose ends.

I saw their frustration as they were unable to physically complete tasks like write instructions or print documents, and, eventually, they were not able to communicate at all. I was struck by how essential it was that I do these things myself while I am strong, healthy, and not involved in the great matter of life and death itself. Again: once you start feeling sick, it is too late.

There are at least three reasons for going through this process:

• It will make it easier for your loved ones if you do die—or if they have to make decisions about you being on life support (more on that below)
• It serves as a mini-assessment on your own accounts—having this data easily at hand can be helpful to you in other situations. This is the folder I grab when I have to evacuate in an emergency.
• Doing this gives you a satisfying sense of agency. My personality is such that feeling prepared gives me a sense of confidence and serenity. This is something within my realm of control that I can do something about, and it’s a loving act for the people I will someday (far in the future, I hope) leave behind.

To get started, you simply need to create a document to record information for your loved ones to have in case you die.

You should also have a separate place to collect to-dos or action items that come up. Working through this will trigger a lot of ideas for other things you want to do.

I keep a hard copy of this document in a brightly colored folder in a specific file drawer. In that folder, I also keep my passport, birth certificate, copies of my driver's license and social security cards, the pink slip to my car, and related items. We’ll talk about more of those details below. (Sometimes I cross-reference these: in my “car” folder, for example, I have a sheet of paper scrawled with “pink slip is in the emergency folder” in big handwriting—because it would be exactly like me to decide to put the pink slip into the “emergency” folder and then forget it’s there when I need it to sell the car.)

Why do I put everything in the folder, instead of simply listing where they’ll find these things? That’s because this emergency folder also serves as my evacuation folder. I’ve had to pack the car for the past two years in a row for wildfire season… it’s a lot easier to have this ready-to-go, instead of digging through everything deciding what you need at the moment. Welcome to the Long Emergency.

Create the Document

I suggest that you open a document and just start writing. You could do this with pen in paper, but I prefer to do it digitally because I can work faster, copy and paste things like account numbers, and update it in years to come.

You’ll likely be adding at least one password to this document. You should think about how to do that so it’s secure—just consider where this document is stored (your hard drive? the cloud?) and determine your own level of comfort with the security of it, or ask for help from someone more technical.

I decided to create an Evernote document that leaves the required passwords with a blank to fill in: “my password is ________”, and then print a hard copy and fill that in by pen and stow it in a safe location. It’s low-tech, but I’m pretty satisfied with it.

There are sophisticated ways of setting up access to many accounts in the event of your death via software. My password manager, LastPass, for example, lets me designate an emergency contact for one-time access. Here’s my problem with those: I don’t trust software makers to actually be helpful when it comes time to use these. I expect them to badger my emergency contact to create an account. They are vague… what is “one-time access”? It requires my loved one to keep an email around. I am endlessly frustrated with my own software security, and I am one of the most technical people in my family, so I have made a decision to make it as simple as possible and simply give my designated person all the power they need to log in as me.

Your decisions about that may be different, and that’s fine—you’ll just need to adjust what you put in this document accordingly.

Use some sort of annotation to help you find where you need to fill in the information later. (TK is often used to mean “to come” — that’s what creates the little symbol you see to the left of this paragraph.) Do this now at the top: TK Introduction. We’re going to get into the hard landscape of what people need, and put the intro aside for now.

You’ll create a section in your document for each of the following. As you go through this, remember to note any related action items or additional info you want to add to the document later. Use “TK” when you need to look at something up and fill it in. If you drop dead and something is noted “TK”, at least they’ll know there’s something they should look for within your papers and such.

This is going to trigger “to-do” items for things you need to take care of. Don’t get sidetracked. Note those on your to-do list and stay focused on getting the first draft of this document done.

Access to Your Computer(s), Devices, and Accounts

At a minimum, it will be helpful for your loved one to be able to log in to your computer, phone, and other devices so that they can more easily repurpose or sell them. In some cases, there may be info on the devices that helps (particularly with your phone, if you use two-factor authentication.)

List each device and how it can be accessed—like passwords or lock codes.

You might also note ownership details. Is your iPhone under contract or owned outright? Does it have AppleCare? Is anything owned by your company and not by you?

As I mentioned, I use a password manager, so as long as my loved ones can log in to my devices and then into the password manager, they’ll have access to everything.

I included this note for them:

There are other accounts that require two-factor authentication through the Authenticator app on my phone. DO NOT LOSE ACCESS to Authenticator until you’ve been able to close all of those down. So don’t sell or give away the phone until that’s done, or until you get help setting up Authenticator for them on a new device and verify that you can login to all of them. Those accounts are: (list of the accounts I use this with).

Financial Accounts

List all of the accounts that you have. The value of doing this is clarity. Some people simply put copies of statements aside for their heirs to go through, but if you’ve ever gone through such a pile, you’ll know how confusing it can be. My dad, for example, had three accounts from the same institution. All those statements looked the same. It took careful comparison of the account numbers and sorting to figure out what the accounts actually were.

Rather than list account numbers for this, though, I just listed the web sites they’ll need to log in to in order to see balances and get institution contact info. These include:

• Checkings
• Savings
• Cryptocurrency
• Retirement
• Credit card

You might have others. It’s a good time to check and see who your beneficiaries are on these accounts (when they have them)—you can note that as well.

I try not to list too much detail about balances and such. My goal is to keep this as evergreen as possible and to stave off its use for decades to come.

Insurance

If you have insurance through work or elsewhere, list that here also. It’s a great idea to put any additional documentation in the folder… I printed a screenshot of the beneficiaries and the amount of coverage, for example.

My needs for this are pretty minimal. You may want to put other documents with this information if your situation is more complex.

Recurring and automatic payments

I keep a list of payments that are made automatically and/or are recurring. I just copy-pasted that here. Presumably, your loved ones can just shut down your accounts to stop those, but it can be a kindness to give them a heads-up on what’s out there.

These include everything that gets paid automatically from my accounts: utilities (phone, internet), Patreon, Prime, auto-renewing subscriptions (software, movie clubs, journals, domain names), and auto-refilling accounts (Fastrak, Clipper, Starbucks), and click-to-pay accounts (Amazon, PayPal).

What I’m going for here is just a way for them to feel more confident that there’s not some incoming expense that’s going to whack my checking account, or that they have to worry about someone nefarious getting access to it.

Physical Items

Again, this isn’t a will. But it will be useful to your loved ones to have a summary of the major things that need to be dealt with.

Vehicles

List each vehicle and it’s status (is it on a loan?). If you have the pink slip, where will they find it? Is there anything in the car of value they should know about?

You don’t have to get overly technical here with VINs and such. Presumably, the person who reads this will have some idea of what you have. You know what they’ll need to know.

Mail

Where does your mail come? If you have a post office box, how will they access it and eventually shut it down? Does someone pick up your mail if you’re not at home?

Storage

Do you have a storage unit they need to know about? If you rent, is there a place outside of your apartment where you keep bulky things?

A note to the effect of, “I don’t have any storage units” can be helpful here, too. I’ve seen that question come up!

Safety deposit boxes, safes, and other items

If you have any of these, note their location and combinations or locations of keys for them.

While you’re at it, take a look at your keyring. Is there anything else that needs to be unlocked that they should know about?

The stuff of life

I don’t own any real estate—if you do, presumably you have a will that covers its disposition. Put a copy of your will in the folder with this.

I will leave it up to you to go through the process of determining what information your loved ones may need, but I’m guessing it will be stuff like security system codes or building management contacts, control panels (electrical, irrigation, etc.), and any onsite services that are regularly scheduled.

Does anyone else have things that are kept in your house? It’s a great idea to note that here.

Should they be aware of anything in your house they may not realize is of high value—artwork, antiques, other collectibles? These items will presumably be listed in your will, but mentioning them here can help them know what might be of surprising value.

I included a line about my dog; the rescue organization I adopted her from requested that someone notifies them if I am ever unable to care for her.

I also made a note that there are sentimental things that I’ve written names on for who I’d like them to go to. This is an old practice that goes back generations in my family; for example, a step-stool made by my grandfather has a piece of tape underneath with the name of a niece or nephew it should go to. It’s important to keep in mind that this isn’t legally binding… if I’m dead, these wishes can be completely overridden because I don’t have a will. I’m okay with that.

You may decide you have some things you need to do. Perhaps you need to make a will after all. Maybe you want to get a safe deposit box. Put it on your to-do list. You can’t run off and do that right now; you’re going to get this document done instead.

Advance Health Care Directive

If you have an Advance Health Care Directive, a Living Will, or similar document(s), make sure a copy of it is in the folder.

Go back up to the introduction section of your document and add a note about this document, so they’ll see it right away. My note goes like this:

There is an Advance Health Care Directive Form in this folder also. I do not want to be put on life support unless there’s an excellent prognosis for my full recovery within hours or a couple of days. I have had a really high-quality life; let’s keep it that way, even if that means it ends.

The Advance Health Care Directive lays out the legal details, but this statement helps my loved ones by letting them know that’s there, and to give them the spirit of my intentions.

If you haven’t done this type of planning already, the NIH Institute of Aging has good resources for U.S. citizens. You’ll need your document to be witnessed by two people, at least one of whom shouldn’t be an heir. Getting those witnesses can be challenging during a shelter-in-place.

I’ve put another copy of this in my go-bag in case I do become sick and require hospitalization during the COVID-19 pandemic. I’ve sent a digital copy to my doctor via e-mail, in the hopes that this gets in my file on a long-term basis as well. I’ve also prepared a statement that I do not want to be put on a ventilator, using Stewart Brand’s personal research and document as a guideline.

Who to Notify

As a single person who lives far away from where I grew up, I have a lot of friends who have never met my family members, and vice versa. So I made a list of contacts, with phone numbers and emails, of people who should be notified in the event of my death.

That includes my boss, my landlord, and contacts from my zen and 12-step communities. It doesn’t have to be a lot — just a few key people who can pass the word along.

Another form of notification could be to request that they post on your social media account on your behalf.

Your Body and Memorial

Create a section that helps your loved ones understand your preferences or prior arrangements for handling your body.

If you’ve already set something up, note that information here with appropriate contact information, and put copies of anything relevant (like documentation of purchased graves or services) in the folder.

Here’s where I became less productive with this process and why I’m putting it last. It’s my strong belief that memorials are for the living, and my family can pretty much do whatever they want to do… that’s good for me. After all, if they’re doing that, I’m dead.

Even so, I found myself wanting to say some things to help them through the process. Because what I’ve noticed is that when people die and don’t say anything about what they wanted, it can create some anxiety on the part of the family to make decisions.

Here’s one example I’ve seen play out: the funeral home sends the family to a florist to arrange flowers. The family sits around trying to remember what kind of flowers were most loved by dear old Aunt T. This sets off some brainstorming. The brainstorming triggers debates, with everyone genuinely wanting to do something nice. But remember, they’re already stressed out because they’re coping with grief. Bad feelings, in turn, get triggered by someone not feeling heard, or someone feeling like so-and-so always takes charge, etc. etc.

That’s the kind of experience you may want to relieve your loved ones of if you can. So even if you don’t give a damn about what really happens—because you’re a logical person and you know it doesn’t matter because you’re dead—it may be compassionate to give them something to work with here.

If you do care about what happens in this realm, you probably need to create a new to-do project to plan it all out. Some people do, in great detail. That’s fine — it’s all up to you.

I have to admit that I fell down a rabbit hole myself… because for some reason, I remembered the music I heard recently while spending hours in a funeral home, and it was just too ghastly to bear. I guess that does matter to me. So, even though my document makes it clear that they should do whatever they want, I made a quick playlist on iTunes and noted, “if you want music, try the playlist ‘Soft Favs’ in iTunes on my main computer.” And of course, I then spent hours curating said list.

That’s a to-do I could have put off to handle at some point in the future, but fortunately, it comes near the end of my document and I had the momentum to carry on and finish.

Back to Your Introduction

By now you should have a fairly comprehensive document with notations for completion, a file folder of supporting materials, and a list of to-dos for handling other ideas that came up as you went through this process.

Keep your to-do list handy, because there are likely things to add to it. You’ll notice them as you prepare the introduction piece to the document. Back up to the top, we go…

Here’s where you say what this document is and address the person who will be handling it. Do you already know who they are?

If you have a will, this person will likely be the executor of the will (the person charged with carrying out your wishes for how your property will be distributed).

If you have a will, make sure that you note that fact and tell them where it’s located and the attorney, if any, who drew it up for you.

My introduction is very simple and practical:

I’m sorry that you have to take all of this on. I’m going to try to make it as easy as possible.

I’m compiling this on March 28, 2020. I’m putting this in my “emergency” folder, but this should be all the latest information. You should also find in that folder my passport, copies of driver’s license, social security card, birth certificate, and other useful info.

Your Advance Health Care Directive should already be noted here as well (mine immediately follows this statement).

Add a title or something at the top. Mine says “Emergency information in case of death or other disasters”. Add today’s date.

Plan to review this document in the future to keep it up-to-date. Set a reminder on your calendar for one year from now to do that. Perhaps make that an annual reminder and plan to do it for many years to come.

Notifying Your Loved Ones

It’s important that your loved ones know you have this document and where they can find it. It needs to be in a place they’ll be able to access.

In my case, I simply told my brother about it and how to find it. I also told him about the Advanced Health Care Directive, so he knows that’s there now.

It may be worthwhile to reassure them that you are simply trying to get way ahead of the curve on this. Different families have different levels of comfort in discussing death at all.

I don’t recommend that you send them a copy of it now. You’re not asking for approval or suggestions. You’re not using it as an opportunity to seek attention. If you must give it to them now to ensure they’ll have it, consider sealing it and getting their agreement to leave it unopened until the time comes.

Other than the items noted as follow-ups or to-dos, you’re basically done.

You may find, however, that something feels lacking.

Dealing With the Past

This guide has been focused on dealing with the future, from anticipating the needs of your loved ones to information about your current life which will help them in the event of death (or impending death).

It can be a very emotional process. We don’t often think through the details of our future non-existence very often. In fact, you may feel flooded with a sense of longing or regret with respect to the people you leave behind and are doing this for. There may be old resentments, guilt, or shame related to those relationships. That seems to be the nature of being human.

I mentioned above that the first time I did this planning was just before I went into the Peace Corps. While I was there, I had the experience of fear that I might be dying; I had a fever of 105° F, and a sense of calm acceptance came over me. I had a profound sense of gratitude for having gone through a systematic process of making amends to the people in my life. I didn’t want to die (and I’m profoundly glad I didn’t), but I was relieved to feel that I hadn’t left relationships in a state of resentment or anger. I was able to feel peace. That, to me, was a gift of my 12-step work with a tough but loving sponsor.

I’m not suggesting that you join a 12-step group as a way of preparing for your own death (though God knows there’s something there for everyone). What I am saying is that you might explore these feelings more through a process of journaling, therapy, or the spiritual work of your choice, and find a way to come to terms with it. Because it makes a difference in the quality of your experience when it matters most.

Wrapping It All Up

Again, you should have a document and a file full of information. You may have to go back and fill in parts of that document that you noted for further work. You’ve told the right person(s) where to find it, should you perish.

You probably have some to-dos. You may have decided that you need a will, or a funeral plan, or an Advance Health Care Directive. You might have decided you want to set up a password manager, or you realized it’s finally time to clean out your storage unit or change some beneficiaries. You might even decide you need a project to resolve some old resentments or hurts and come to terms with them. Those are all to-dos or GTD-style projects.

Get everything put away. Your folder needs to be in the place you told your person it should be.

Now move forward in life, confident that you’ve handled this as well as you possibly can. Your attention is now free to enjoy and deal with the life you are living right now.