How to Help Someone You Love Cope With Depression

Summary

This article provides lists of what to do and what to avoid when trying to help someone cope with depression based on the author's personal experience.

Abstract

The article titled "How to Help Someone You Love Cope With Depression" offers suggestions based on the author's personal experience with depression. The article begins by listing things NOT to do when trying to help someone with depression, such as saying "cheer up" or "look on the bright side," claiming traumatic events are part of God's plan, and pointing out that others are worse off. The article then provides suggestions for what TO do to help, such as listening more than talking, keeping in touch even if efforts are not reciprocated, encouraging the person to seek help, reassuring them of their worth, and asking if they have suicidal thoughts.

Opinions

Telling someone with clinical depression to "cheer up" or "look on the bright side" can add to feelings of guilt and self-blame.
Claiming traumatic events are part of God's plan can be cruel and even considered spiritual abuse.
Depression is not a character flaw but an illness.
Depression can cause feelings of isolation and worthlessness.
People suffering from depression may not reach out to loved ones due to guilt or shame.

Lists of what to do and what to avoid based on my own experience

During the early months of the coronavirus pandemic, the percentage of U.S. adults experiencing depression increased dramatically, from 8.5% to 27.8%, and has continued to rise. (Source: Boston University School of Public Health study, as reported here) Chances are good that you know someone who is struggling with this illness and want to help them, but may feel powerless and not know what to say or do.

As a person who suffers from depression, I offer the following lists of suggestions, starting with what NOT to do:

Resist the temptation to say things like “cheer up,” or “look on the bright side.” As noted on the Mayo Clinic’s website, depression causes a persistent feeling of sadness that one cannot simply snap out of. Telling someone who has clinical depression to “look on the bright side” is like telling a wheelchair-bound person to just get up and walk. It can also add to the feelings of guilt and self-blame that often accompany depression.

If the depression is triggered by a death or some other traumatic circumstance, don’t claim that “it’s all part of God’s plan.” You are certainly free to believe that and be comforted by the thought that there is some purpose behind all of the bad things that happen in your life. However, trying to force that idea on someone else, especially while they are in extreme emotional pain, is cruel. I would even go so far as to call it spiritual abuse. While I believe that our loving God can and often does bring wonderful new beginnings out of tragic circumstances, and use people who have suffered to help other hurting people, that is quite different from saying that God deliberately causes bad things to happen or makes us suffer as part of some plan that we just don’t understand.

Don’t point out that other people are worse off than the person experiencing depression. While that is true, it sends the message that the person has no right to feel as sad as they do, only adds to the guilt they are feeling, and perpetuates the myth that depression is a character flaw as opposed to an illness.

Okay, now that I’ve expressed my views on what is NOT helpful, here are my thoughts on how you CAN help:

Spend more time listening than talking. Your caring presence and willingness to let a hurting person vent their feelings without judging or rushing to give advice is what is needed most.

Keep reaching out, even if your calls aren’t returned, your texts or emails are ignored, and your invitations to get together are rejected. One of the hardest things about depression is how isolating it is. People suffering from it often feel too miserable to want to go out and may avoid reaching out to family or friends because they don’t want to be a burden or are ashamed and want to hide their pain. At the same time, they are often desperately lonely and wish someone would contact them and show concern for their well-being.

Encourage the person to seek help. Ideally, this will mean discussing their symptoms and medication options with a doctor and/or seeing a therapist, but there are also free support groups online and crisis hotlines. A good place to start is the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) website, which has helpful information for both people suffering from mental illnesses and their loved ones.

Reassure the person that you still love them and remind them of their good qualities. Especially when depression is severe enough to prevent someone from working, cleaning the house, or doing other daily tasks they feel guilty for neglecting, that person usually feels worthless and may even believe that their loved ones would be better off without them. It is very important to communicate that you still love them and value them and that their worth as a human being is not based on what they accomplish.

Don’t be afraid to ask if they are having suicidal thoughts, and to intervene if they are. In the U.S., either the person considering suicide or a concerned loved one can call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline, 1–800–273–8255. It is available 24/7 and will route you to the nearest crisis center for immediate help.

I hope that you find these suggestions useful as you try to help a loved one survive their battle with depression. Recovery is often a slow and painful process, but it is definitely possible!