Summary

The article discusses the impact of childhood trauma on adult life, particularly in parenting, and outlines methods for healing, including self-reflection, professional therapy like EMDR, and participation in support groups.

Abstract

The author of the article shares personal experiences of how childhood neglect and emotional abuse have influenced their adult life, especially in their role as a parent. The article emphasizes the importance of acknowledging and releasing fear as a key step in the healing process, suggesting methods such as journaling, talking to friends, and therapy. It highlights Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) as an effective therapy for reprocessing traumatic memories and reducing their emotional impact. The author also advocates for joining support groups, such as 12-step programs, to cultivate healthy relationships and maintain abstinence from harmful behaviors. The article concludes by encouraging those who have suffered childhood trauma to seek help, emphasizing that healing is a journey that leads to wellness and serenity.

Opinions

The author believes that healing from childhood trauma is possible and essential for personal growth and effective parenting.
They express that fear often underlies anger and that recognizing this can lead to healthier emotional responses.
The author suggests that releasing emotions in a safe space is crucial for healing.
Professional help, particularly EMDR therapy, is recommended for addressing the symptoms of PTSD and dissociative issues resulting from childhood trauma.
Support groups like AA, Al-Anon, and ACoA are seen as valuable resources for individuals dealing with the aftermath of childhood trauma and related addictions or codependency.
The author is optimistic about the transformative power of the 12-step program and cognitive-behavioral approaches in changing thoughts and actions.
They encourage readers to be patient and gentle with themselves, acknowledging that healing is a gradual process that requires time and effort.

How to Heal From Your Childhood Trauma

There is no one way to recover and heal from any trauma. Each survivor chooses their own path or stumbles across it.~Laurie Matthew

Traumatic childhood experiences have a dramatic effect on relationships with our children. As a parent who experienced neglect as a child, my process is painful to navigate.

I have two young children, ages 8 and 4. My youngest is a picky eater. She makes relatively healthy choices, based on what I’m offering her. It’s common for four-year-olds to be picky sometimes. But I make a huge deal out of it. Why is this so hard for me?

Allow me to illustrate with a story.

Imagine, if you will, a six-year-old child, eating spinach and scrambled eggs on an undoubtedly dirty floor. The spinach comes in a frozen block.

It’s all she seems to eat, except for the raw tomato incident. Her mother makes her sit in front of a raw tomato slice and tries to force her to eat it. The girl has an aversion to raw tomatoes. After what feels like hours, she pretends to chew after throwing the tomato in the trash. Her mother questions the girl’s story, but nothing else comes of it.

The crusty pots and pans pile up in the sink. The toilet is full, due to frozen pipes and general neglect.

She remembers her mother locking her in her bedroom. It’s a hidden gift, where her imagination soars. The girl’s memory fades.

When the girl grows up, her father tells her the rest of the story. Her mother wrote a disturbing letter to the local judge who had presided over their divorce. He told her dad the girl had been stealing food at school. He gave him permission to pick up the girl and take her home. And so begins her life with a single dad.

The little girl is me, as you might guess. Neglect and emotional abuse have a profound effect on my adult life. It’s particularly painful to experience this through the eyes of a parent. I have to revisit the trauma every time my child refuses food.

What can we do to heal our trauma?

Reveal and release

First, ask yourself, why am I so upset? You might discover the answer near the surface, waiting to be acknowledged.

I’m upset with my daughter when she refuses to eat what I offer. I don’t want to force her to eat anything. But I’m afraid she’ll starve. I don’t want to waste food. I get mad at her. I want her to be healthy and well-fed. My anxiety and anger stems from fear.

It’s common for fear to linger behind anger. Once we know the root of our fear, we can make a conscious choice to let go. Release to your higher power or the Universe. It’s ok if you don’t have a higher power. Just give it away to something else that isn’t you. Release it, one day at a time.

You’ll probably have a lot of big feelings arise. Allow them to flow out of you while in a safe space. Journal, talk to a trusted friend, scream into pillows, do vigorous exercise, and cry all you need. I shed a lot of tears for these last few days. Writing this story is also a part of my healing process.

Seek outside help

If you feel like you can’t manage your anger/fear, work through it with a professional therapist or counselor. Talking to a neutral person can help you separate yourself from the intensity of your feelings.

Victims of childhood trauma often develop PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder). Others have dissociative issues from trying to protect themselves when abused. Some particular therapies help with these disorders. Alongside talk therapy, or in place of it, EMDR has proven to alleviate symptoms, help people reclaim their lives, and feel more at peace.

The EMDR website, emdr.com, describes the therapy as follows:

EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) is a psychotherapy that enables people to heal from the symptoms and emotional distress that are the result of disturbing life experiences. Repeated studies show that by using EMDR therapy people can experience the benefits of psychotherapy that once took years to make a difference. It is widely assumed that severe emotional pain requires a long time to heal. EMDR therapy shows that the mind can in fact heal from psychological trauma much as the body recovers from physical trauma.

They continue by talking about how EMDR works:

EMDR therapy involves attention to three time periods: the past, present, and future. Focus is given to past disturbing memories and related events. Also, it is given to current situations that cause distress, and to developing the skills and attitudes needed for positive future actions. With EMDR therapy, these items are addressed using an eight-phase treatment approach.

Visit the website (emdr.com) for more detailed descriptions of the phases.

Essentially, EMDR retrains our brains to respond differently to triggering stimuli. Distressing situations no longer trigger you the way they have before. I plan on giving EMDR a try, as I’ve heard of overwhelming success and transformed lives.

Join a support group

Child abuse and neglect are often byproducts of addiction, codependency, and untreated mental illness. My birth mother has an untreated mental illness and codependency. I developed alcoholism and codependency. I’ve treated both with 12-step programs, AA and Al-Anon.

Alcoholics Anonymous is a 12-step program for anyone who believes they have a problem with drinking. NA (Narcotics Anonymous) offers support for anyone suffering from drug addiction. Al-Anon is a support group for families and friends of alcoholics. Nar-Anon is the equivalent for families and friends of addicts. ACoA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) is another helpful support group for adults who grew up with an alcoholic parent.

There are 12-step programs for food, sex, and gambling addiction. Specialized groups have grown over the last 70 years since AA began. Anyone who wants help is welcome to join. Twelve-step support groups are effective in helping people maintain abstinence from a substance or behavior.

We can learn to cultivate healthy relationships with ourselves and others. We focus on being of service. The 12 steps are similar to cognitive-behavior therapy (CBT), which focuses on changing our thoughts and actions. When we take the suggested actions, we can transform our lives.

People who knew me when I was drinking say I’m like a completely different person. The light in my eyes returned. I’m responsible, accountable, and I address my past traumas with a willingness to grow and heal.

Final thoughts

If you’ve suffered from childhood trauma, reach out for help. It’s ok to feel out of control. It’s understandable if you can’t regulate your emotions. Be willing to move through the fear. Seek out support and make the necessary changes. You’ll find wellness and serenity waiting on the other side. If you’re a parent, you can be a gentle guide for your children without your history getting in the way.

Please be gentle and patient with yourself. Healing from childhood trauma takes time. We’re all on a beautiful journey.

Commit to the healing path and trust the process.~Rosenna Bakari

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