CHRISTMAS|WRITING|CREATIVE WRITING
How to Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas
Without losing your sanity
Are you counting down the days? Or is anyone else in your house doing the counting? How many windows from the advent calendar have you opened yet?
Christmas, Christmas, Christmas. The most open-ended question-marked holiday of them all. Who gets to go where and with whom? How many people are you ready to disappoint? (because, trust me, disappoint some, you will) Are second-hand presents OK? What’s a reasonable waiting period before I start “recycling” and handing out gifts from years gone by, which I’m sure no one ever remembers giving me? But, what if they do?
I wasn’t born, nor brought up in the UK. Therefore, the Christmas madness eluded me for many years. That doesn’t mean that I’m not part of it now. The difference is that I’ve never played a big role in organising the event on the day. Lucky me, you might say. Well, my position has a few benefits. One of them is that I can give readers some valuable pieces of advice on how to avoid a meltdown on 25th December.
Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow
No, it won’t snow, because it rarely snows on Christmas Day in London. This is a good metaphor for the day, though. Keep your expectations real. In fact, get people involved. As I mentioned before, I was never part of the organising committee, but I did chip in. Vegetables will need peeling, the house will need cleaning, and presents will need arranging. Also, someone will have to go and collect Auntie Clare in the car. Distribute and delegate.
Santa baby, I want a yacht and really that’s not a lot
Excuse me? Have you not heard that we’re still in the middle of a cost of living crisis? A yacht? You’ll be lucky to get something in your stocking this year.
As much as we want to please everyone and buy the exact item they put on their Amazon’s wishlist, a reality check is de rigueur during the festive period. Approach the subject sensibly; better to do it a few weeks before you do the big Christmas shop. That way, it won’t catch anyone by surprise when they get a ball storage stand instead of a pair of Adidas Predator Edge .3 Firm Ground football boots (£80 last time I checked).
If you have children, best to allocate a budget per little one. Also, ensure that the amount to spend is the same. In years to come you don’t want your progeny to discover that you coughed up more money on one than the other. You won’t be the only person who will never hear the end of it; their therapist will probably put a price on your head.
Won’t you stay another day?
You’re hoping the answer will be no. After all, you’re only asking out of courtesy and good manners.
We all love our relatives, don’t we? But there’s love and there’s overstaying your welcome past Boxing Day. Remember, the agreement was only Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, and Boxing Day. Not the twelve bloody days of Christmas. And no, you can keep the partridge in the pear tree, the two turtle doves, and the three French hens. Plus the rest.
Again, the key words here are clarity and honesty. This will depend on the kind of relationship you have with your next-of-kin, but be open and straightforward. If space is an issue, or frictions exist between different family members, address that topic head-on. Do ask the other party’s opinion on the matter, even if it’s your house where Christmas will be celebrated. At least, they get to have their say.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart, but the very next day you gave it away
And now you’re feeling resentful. If you and your ex have friends in common, you’re bound to coincide at some point during the Christmas period. Whilst they may have moved on and even partnered up, you might get triggered, knock back a few more cocktails and make a total fool of yourself.
It’s not worth it. Endure your “uncoupling” in the same way we endure an endoscopy without anaesthesia. Or a visit to the dentist. You know you’re not going to be sitting on that chair for long. Same with exes. You might be going through a slump,but there’s always the New Year to look forward to. What’s more important, stay sober. Sober means you’ll be able to think clearly and make rational decisions. You owe it to yourself, and to those around you.
All I want for Christmas is you
Make sure you mean it. Beyond the presents, the razzmatazz, the baubles, decorations, the turkey, and the booze, Christmas is a time for celebration. It’s the time of the year when we don’t mind the lousy jokes we pull out from the crackers (and God, are they getting worse!), the silly hats, or the (totally accidental) conversational farting that happens when we doze off in front of the telly post-Christmas lunch.
Besides, you’ve had to put up with M&S bringing out their yuletide range at the end of October, Mariah belting out her annual earworm, and two little ones wanting to open their presents as early as 15th December. Enjoy the day. Put your trotters up (as Danny Dyer would probably advise you to) and have yourself a merry little Christmas.
You deserve it.
Cuban, Immigrant, and Londoner, on sale now.
You can buy me a coffee here.
