How to Have Great Sex Even if You’re Self-Conscious

Because everyone deserves mind-blowing fun

I’m a bold, confident, and assertive woman.

Or, rather, that’s how I am in print.

If you were to meet me in real life, you’d see that I don’t quite have it all together the way I seem online.

I don’t lie about my life or misrepresent myself in my writing, but I do tend to focus on the positives and present my thoughts as they are.

What doesn’t always come through is just how self-conscious I am. Less about my writing, but more about myself, especially my body.

I write very explicitly about sex, so people are often surprised that I have a hard time undressing for others. I really I wish I was the type of gal who strips and flashes for just about anyone she likes (even just a little), but that’s something that will take me a lot of work.

I also wish I could strut into the bedroom wearing revealing lingerie and give my husband bulging cartoon eyes.

Instead, I turn off the lights and wait under the covers.

I know that doesn’t sound terribly exciting, but it doesn’t matter a whole lot because I still have amazing sex.

I suspect most people are like me, at least to some extent. I’ve hardly ever met anyone who doesn’t feel self-conscious about some part of their body. Sometimes, the fears and anxieties that come with it get in the way of having a fulfilling sex life.

But there are ways to make yourself feel more confident and comfortable in the bedroom. I wanted to share the things I do to help me let loose and have fun instead of worrying so much I end up with more stress than pleasure.

Dim the Lights

Dimming the lights — or even turning them off completely — is my first line of defense. If I’m extremely, massively, unbearably horny, I’ll fuck during the daytime or early evening. But otherwise, I make sure it’s too dark for anyone to see me clearly.

Dim lighting also creates a nice atmosphere. It feels more intimate, like the whole world around you is gone and it’s just you and your partner (or partners) enjoying each other.

As far as I’m concerned, sex with the lights on is one of those things that only happens in porn. I know other people do it, but I need a darker setting to feel comfortable. And when I feel comfortable, I have more fun, more pleasure, and stronger orgasms. There’s no way I’m giving that up just so I can be on full display.

Use Lingerie Strategically

In the past, I’ve fallen into the trap of thinking that I was too self-conscious for lingerie. Lingerie is for models and sexy vixens, right? They’re not for people who worry about their “problem areas.”

I was wrong, wrong, wrong about that. Yes, lingerie is for those hot ladies who seem to be all legs and tits, but it’s also a great asset for women who don’t feel so great about their bodies.

That’s because lingerie, when used strategically, can cover up the parts of your body you don’t care for. I personally don’t care for my stomach, so I like to keep it under wraps, even when I’m fucking. Baby doll lingerie or a teddie help me keep it out of sight while still getting to wear something sexier than a t-shirt.

Lingerie can also help you control your partner’s focus by accentuating the parts of your body that you do like. If you’ve got an ass or a set of tits you’re proud of, you can wear something sexy to flaunt them without having to reveal every other inch of your skin.

Take It Slowly and Build Anticipation

Okay, remember how I said that I sometimes will fuck in broad daylight when I’m insanely horny? You can use to that your advantage.

I like taking it slowly, with lots of teasing, stroking, kissing, and all that other fun stuff that happens even before anyone’s underwear has to come off. And it’s not just because I like it for its own sake (though I do); it’s also because it almost makes me forget about being self-conscious.

Build anticipation and take time to get almost pathetically, desperately horny. When you reach that point, your desire to fuck will start to outweigh your anxieties and you’ll feel less inhibited.

Communicate Boundaries

There are some things that are a routine and regular part of sex and foreplay but might really bother you. If having some parts of your body touched distracts you from having fun because it makes you feel too chubby, too boney, or just too uneasy, make sure to let your partner know before they lay their hands on you.

I like being squeezed. Like, a lot. I melt when my hips are squeezed. Honestly, if a decent-looking stranger were to squeeze my hips on the street, I might just end up dragging them to the nearest hotel so I can have my way with them.

But even though I go crazy for that kind of thing, I don’t like having my stomach touched very much, let alone squeezed. It just instantly takes me out of the mood and my brain starts rehearsing all of its negative body image talk.

I have made it clear to my husband that I would very much prefer not to have my stomach overly focused on during sex, and I plan to let any future partners know it, too. It can be a bit of an awkward conversation, but it’s not as awkward as getting flooded with anxiety mid-fuck.

Embrace Being Cute

Mr. Austin once told a girlfriend that she was cute. She responded with a frown and said, “I was trying to be sexy.”

I totally understand where she was coming from, but I’ve decided to embrace cute.

Since I’m confessing a lot in this post, I might as well lay some more cards on the table and admit that I can be pretty darn awkward. Sometimes, downright embarrassingly awkward.

It used to really bother me, and I was sure it made me undesirable. But then I realized that I love embarrassingly awkward girls. It can be so damn endearing and cute. And women being cute never turns me off.

So, I stopped worrying too much about being sexy, and I recommend you try to do the same. Cute can be sexy. And the sooner we all realize that, the sooner we can start just being ourselves and start having great sex.

Put Down the Kama Sutra

Before I started having sex (and, okay, maybe a little bit after I started having sex), I had this idea that being good at it meant memorizing and using a wide variety of sex positions. The crazier, the better. Bonus points if at least one of you is upside down.

I’ve tried some of them (the ones that don’t require the flexibility of a gymnast, anyway) and most of them were a let down. A few were interesting. Some were uncomfortable. A lot of them were just awkward and funny. But for the most part, they only added novelty, not a heightened sexual experience.

I’ve settled into a routine that incorporates the positions I really like, and sex is a lot more enjoyable as a result.

The good news is, you don’t have to run through a huge repertoire of pretzel positions to be or have a good fuck. And the even better news is that you can do away with any position and still have fantastic sex.

So, if there’s a position that makes you feel too self-conscious, just ditch it.

The ideal position will depend on what part of your body you’re worried about (if you’d rather keep the focus off your ass, it’s best to avoid reverse cowgirl). My favorite is spooning. It doesn’t highlight any parts of my body that I’d rather keep out of sight, and it can be done comfortably under a blanket, if I want. And because my partner is so physically close to me in that position, I feel less naked and exposed.

I’m Learning to Love Myself

I know these tips might feel like band-aid solutions that don’t address the root cause of the anxieties and discomfort surrounding our bodies. Ideally, we would deal with those and then we could have the wild, uninhibited sex we have always dreamed of having. But it’s just not that easy.

I’m on a journey to self-love. I have been doing a lot of things to try to be more confident and learn to love and appreciate my body more, whether it’s changing my porn habits or processing my upbringing. But that’s going to take time — lots of time.

I don’t know about you guys, but I don’t want to have to wait a few years before I have great sex. I won’t be able to get over my insecurities for a while. So, in the meantime, I’ll be turning off the lights, avoiding certain positions, and having the kind of mind-blowing sex we all deserve.

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