Lessons learned during an Identity Crisis.

Why your idea of who you are is messing your life up.

You know what the definition of success is, it’s been defined in every self-help book ever, you know, living in a mansion and driving a nice car, blah, blah, blah. I call bullshit on that definition, why should that be the definition of success? Does that mean Mahatma Gandhi was a failure because he didn’t have a big house? Our whole idea of self-help is this superficial, generic lie that’s being fed into us.

“But Bobby I just want to be happy.”

Fluff off. Why do you want to be happy, huh? Surely if you question the negatives, you’d take a minute to have a look at the positives, right? Wrong. The human mind is funny, it can be your best friend or your worst enemy. It tends to make us look at the bright side, without ever showing us the struggle and pain that’s required to be successful in whatever your passionate for.

I say question everything.

You need to reshape life. This crisis will lead to change, it’s what will drive you in a better direction.

People who go through traumatic events, come out better than they actually are, which is weird but enlightening in a funny way. Terry Crews, Isaac Newton, and countless others had pretty shit childhoods that led them to do good for the world.

Now I’m not saying that you should experience trauma, but the pain is needed for change. The crisis will lead to positive change through uncomfortable reality checks.

How do you define a person?

Meet Andy, he is an accountant. That’s how he defines himself, you meet him at a party, he’ll introduce himself as Andy the accountant who works for Chase bank. He’s also Andy the dad, the son, the husband, and the football freak. That’s his definition.

Let’s take Andy’s life to be like a car. He has 2 passengers driving that car, yes 2 people can’t drive a car at once but stop being a smart-ass and keep reading, the 2 passengers are his feeling brain and thinking brain.

The thinking brain is completely deluded into thinking he’s the one who’s in control. Do you know how we call ourselves rational, logical, and reasonable people? Yeah, we get that definition passed down to us when we develop our thinking brain enough to complete complex tasks such as this article.

I don’t think it’s the rational stuff that motivates us.

You see, Andy loved maths growing up. He was bullied for that, so he wanted to do something which made maths seem cool and that happened to be working for a firm like Chase bank. The negative feelings drove him in a positive direction.

That’s what motivates us, feelings.

To be fair, if it wasn’t for schooling and societal norms, we’d be running around like sociopaths.

Don’t believe me?

Observe a cranky toddler and tell me that behavior isn’t similar to a sociopath. That’s essentially what we are until layered with codes of conduct given to us by parents, teachers, and other authoritative figures. We become this big mac of norms and behavior.

We like to feel, sadness isn’t as bad as feeling numb. Our feeling brain is what drives the car. If we feel happy, the sun shines on us, our morning coffee tastes better, but nothing changed, we’re just happy AF. How we feel is how we perceive the world.

Not all is lost, we can still control the car rationally since our thinking brain holds the map and decides where we’re going.

That’s where the magic happens.

What do you value?

For a moment, let's say that you are a billionaire, and you have this awesome collection of classic cars. You have it all, a Ferrari Enzo, a Mercedes Benz 300 sl, a BMW 507, fucking everything. You keep those cars in this really cool Batcave underneath your mansion which sits atop a hill in Malibu.

That’s how you've been defined in your social circles. Bobby, the car guy. It makes you feel good, oh yeah, your Lambo gets girls and you’re a total baller.

One fine day, you look at yourself and realize that you’re a superficial asshole who values money way too much. You want to change that and do some charity. But you don’t change. You buy another Maserati.

Why is that?

Letting go of what you value is kind of like breaking up with someone, it fucking sucks and you don’t want to do it. What's going on when you reshape yourself when you lose a part of yourself, is that you go into this state of mourning, it feels like going through a breakup. Akin to grieving, when you lose value, you grieve this cool thing that would define your life.

Your values are twisted and you don’t know what you’re passionate about.

Our quest for a passion makes us do stupid shit because we want to feel like we’re doing something productive and good for humanity. Most of us don’t even know what our passion is, we keep searching for it. Some of us travel the world in search of it, some of our nudge and nurdle at different activities until we hit jackpot.

Why your definition of success matter.

There’s this driven guy, he has all the tools, he is charismatic, charming, and confident. He is good at what he does, one of the very best, he’s focused, tenacious and has this insatiable thirst for success. He’s also Ted Bundy, arguably one of the greatest serial killers of all time.

I got you there, didn’t I?

Success is defined by the characteristics of focus, attention, hard work, and other words, but that’s so unoriginal that even a serial killer can be defined by it.

You must have a completely original definition of success. My definition of success is showing up every day and committing myself to give my best and improve. That’s what I want to give to the world, that’s how I want to be remembered.

How do you define success?

Write down your goals and ask yourself why do you want these goals. Same with stuff you’re grateful for. Question the good things, does it feel good for a good reason?

You can use those reasons to make a concise definition of success and then stick to that definition.

All of this will send you into a proper identity crisis, you’ll feel lost because you would have let go of your defining properties. This is the exploration phase and it’s as uncomfortable as being punched in the stomach by Deontay Wilder 259 times.

If it’s uncomfortable, it is good.

That my fellow readers and wonderful folk of this publication are the ways to have a proper flipping identity crisis. Go on now my noble readership into the world and ask yourselves the uncomfortable questions that will distort your reality and send you into this weird spiral of meaning. So long my dudes, peace!

Bobbie Dubey is a certified social media marketer who plays cricket and likes to write. Connect with me on Twitter, I’m happy to talk about anything.