How to Handle a Passive-Aggressive Situation
– and come away being a winner
Have you ever been in a situation where someone was trying to get a rise out of you? Did you argue, yell, and walk away? Were you flabbergasted? Or were you just embarrassed and patiently got through this uncomfortable situation? Here are four steps you can use to diffuse the situation, walk away, and be the better man.
Words of warning
It does not matter if you are at the company Christmas party, in a bar, or at your friend’s party, this method will work. Since the last step may involve walking away, it will not work with your boss or a loved one. Actually, it will, but think of the consequences.
Remember, using this will involve removing this person from your life. Your mileage will vary.
The situation
An old army buddy and I were in a bar exchanging war stories since the last time we met. When I say war stories, that is what I mean. Both of us have served in various hot spots around the world.
You know, the type where American soldiers are not necessarily welcome because, until recently, it was or still is a war zone. Not exactly vacation spots.
So as we were minding our own business, each of us trying to top the other with a dangerous, or funny, or dangerously funny story. There is nothing more dangerous than a bored infantryman. Boys with lots of dangerous toys and nowhere to go.
Suddenly, from nowhere, comes this uninvited person in our conversation and asks if we think we are being funny talking about, from his point of view, dangerous and unfunny events.
The Stare
This is the start of that passive-aggressive stance. The person does not have the guts to actually come out aggressively but wants to be aggressive in his questioning while appearing harmless.
This is where you implement phase one, the stare. Make direct eye contact with the individual. Direct eye contact can be conceived as a challenge, and often times the person will backtrack or just leave.
Sometimes you get lucky, and the passive-aggressive attitude stops, or he leaves. If this is the case, lucky you. Or, in this case, lucky him. Obviously, this stranger did not realize he was trying to be bold with people that are used to dealing with heavily armed opponents.
The Benefit of the doubt
Unfortunately, our stranger continued with his questioning. So I answered the question at face value in a deadpanned manner.
As Infantry soldiers in dangerous and deadly situations, telling each other our war stories is a way of dealing with that stress.
I am not sure if most people realize, Combat Arms is a testosterone-driven macho environment. We do not go to our therapist and talk about our sensible feelings. We go to bars with our buddies that have similar experiences and see who has the best story.
Consider it as a type of gallows humor.
Who knows, maybe I misinterpreted the question. There is no need to jump down this guys throat and create conflict. Lord knows I have seen enough of that. So, I gave him the benefit of the doubt and hoped he would just walk away before something eventful happened.
The Warning Shot
This was just not my night. Instead of having an enjoyable time with my army buddy, our new “friend” continued with his passive-aggressive attitude and just would not walk away.
I was not sure if our “friend” had a hidden agenda, but I was not going to be baited into physical violence with this character. I could see in my buddy’s eyes, he was not going to be so patient.
This is where you fire the warning shot.
I tried to guide our new friend away from his questioning by reframing the situation and allowing him to turn around and go back to where he came from.
The deadpan was gone, and the tone I use with errant soldiers that have screwed up was next. I nicely told this stranger that it would be best if he saw his way out of a conversation that had nothing to do with him. I also may have mentioned my buddy was starting to get upset, and I am the calm one between us.
Did I mention that my buddy is six foot four and weighs in at about 230 pounds? I am only six feet even and weigh in at 180. If my buddy got upset, I was not going to get in his way.
You could see our new friend was getting nervous, but he was not going anywhere. He obviously has never seen my buddy mad.
The Call Out
Our new friend just would not quit. So I called him out. I did not yell or get aggressive. I merely called him out for his behavior. Pointing out that we were having a fine conversation before he showed up.
I did not know what his end game. Maybe he wanted to provoke us into a physical altercation. He could not have been too smart. If my buddy lost his cool, all I could do is give our new friend first aid after Mike finished polishing the floor with him.
Good thing I have two whole weeks of combat medic training.
Now, this is the part of the call out that does not work with anybody that has influence over you.
Just walk out.
I put a twenty on the bar to cover our tab. I grabbed Mike by the elbow to guide him to the front door before he lost his temper. We just walked away. No need to get physical. No need for me to put my two weeks of combat medical training to the test. There are plenty of bars in this world where you can get a draft beer.
The Recap
If you find yourself on the receiving end of a passive-aggressive person, you can handle the situation in this way.
Maintain eye contact. Make sure the other person can see you are not pleased with where this is going.
Maintain the benefit of the doubt. Maybe that person is just awkward and asked a weird question.
If it continues, give them a warning shot. Ask why we are even discussing this topic.
If it continues, call it out. If the person continues, just walk away. This person does not need to be in your life.
You are not obligated to be on the receiving end of passive-aggressive behavior. There is enough stress in daily living without adding more because of insecure people.