How To Grow an Emotional Backbone and Avoid Being a Bully

The ultimate guide to taming your inner bully

Have you ever done something that you thought was worth a laugh but later realized that you hurt someone’s feelings? If yes, you might have been a little bully yourself.

We all have been on both sides of the fence. There’s no denying it.

I have been a little bully sometimes, and many people tried to bully me, but I always had the upper hand because I knew myself and was confident that I could accomplish anything I set my mind to, no matter what anyone else said.

Bullies, on the other hand, will never be able to go against their true nature. That’s why they get stuck in a downward spiral and remain “bullies” forever.

One of the saddest things I’ve ever seen is a bully.

Whether they’re six feet tall or 300 pounds, it’s clear they’re trying to hide their lack of backbone by being vindictive and emotionally destructive.

But if you ask me, bullies are just as pathetic in real life as they’re on the Internet.

1. Embrace your anger

The first step in building your backbone is facing the reality that you are angry.

You may be thinking, “I’m not angry.”

But if you’re honest with yourself, if you think back to when someone has done something to upset or hurt your feelings, then chances are pretty high that at least some of those feelings were anger-related.

The next step is accepting that anger is a normal and natural emotion.

2. Put it into action

Now that you’ve got the basics down, it’s time to put it all together.

Take a moment to focus on your breathing and get in touch with yourself.

Then ask yourself:

1. “What do I want?”
2. “How can I show myself how much I care about my well-being?”
3. “How can I show compassion for myself and others as we navigate this difficult world together?”

3. Do not be a bully yourself

There are many ways to avoid being a bully, but the most important is not to be one yourself.

This is especially true if you’re a parent, a teacher, or other people in charge of keeping bullies at bay.

If you’re going to help others stop bullying, your life must reflect what you are trying to teach them.

We need to respond to all forms of bullying with kindness and compassion.

No one should ever use their experience of being bullied as a reason for bullying others.

4. Teach your child how to be assertive

Let’s face it; you’re probably not going to be the most assertive person in the world. But if you have children, they will inevitably be bullied at some point.

They may even become bullies themselves. And trust me, being able to say no and stand up for yourself is a skill that’ll serve your child well throughout life.

Modeling assertiveness is a great way to set a good example for children. Kids learn best by seeing examples set by their parents, so try talking with your child about how best to handle difficult situations with friends and family members.

5. Teach them how to negotiate

You can help your child learn how to negotiate by modeling good behavior. If you have a dispute with your partner, or with another parent at the playground, or even with a salesperson over the phone — find some way of resolving it assertively.

• Teach them what a good negotiation looks like and explain why this is important. Tell them that negotiating is not about being right; it’s about finding solutions for both parties’ needs as best as possible.
• Explain the importance of listening: Instead of arguing back and forth, try listening carefully before responding so that you can understand what they’re saying (and vice-versa).
• Point out that compromise helps everyone feel heard and respected: When two people agree on something but aren’t completely happy with how things turned out, this shows them how compromise can benefit everyone involved.
• Finally — and most importantly — show them how to stand up for themselves without bullying others around them. This means demonstrating assertiveness rather than passive aggression/aggression towards others who are unwilling to share control over situations that might arise during everyday interactions.

6. Learn how to listen actively

It’s a skill that can be learned. Listening is not the same as hearing, and it’s certainly not the same as waiting for your turn to talk. As you’re listening, be on the lookout for three things:

• understanding what is being said (not just which parts you want to hear);
• knowing what questions need answering before moving forward;
• asking questions if needed.

7. Pay attention to their body language and tone of voice

You’ve probably heard that the way to know if someone is angry or upset is to listen for anger in their voice. That’s only half true. The other half is listening for sadness. Anger and sadness are related emotions, so it makes sense that you could spot them both in an angry or sad person’s tone of voice.

When you listen for anger or sadness, make sure you’re also paying attention to body language — that means watching how they move their arms and legs, listening for any noises they make (like sighing), and seeing what their facial expressions look like when they speak.

If someone looks like they want to punch a hole through your head while talking with you, chances are good that they’re feeling both angry and sad right now.

8. Talk to the bully in private

Now that you understand what it means to be a bully and how they operate, it’s time to talk with your bullies.

This is the most challenging step because bullies like attention and will use this opportunity as an excuse to continue their behavior. They’ll tell you that they’re sorry or that “they were just joking” or any other excuse that can distract from their actions.

If you find yourself in this position, try not to react emotionally — breathe deeply and remain calm when speaking with them.

Remember: You are engaged in a power struggle here and must assert yourself without losing control over your emotions. Your goal is not revenge but instead putting an end to the bullying behavior so everyone can move on peacefully.

A good rule of thumb here is if something makes you feel uncomfortable about yourself or others around you, then chances are high there’s something wrong going on with someone else involved who needs help dealing with their own issues somewhere along the line instead of taking out anger onto others through verbal or physical abuse tactics.

9. Look out for the behavior in others

If you’ve been on the receiving end of bullying, or if it’s happened to someone close to you, some steps can be taken to help mitigate this behavior.

• Speak up when someone is being bullied. If you see something happening, say something about it. Depending on your comfort level with the situation, there are many ways to do this. Some options include stepping in between two people who are fighting (and saying, “Hey! Knock it off!”), talking with the person being bullied after school or work hours (when they’re not around their bully), or speaking directly with a teacher or principal if necessary.
• Don’t think less of yourself because others have put such thoughts into your head — they don’t know everything about every person they encounter; so if someone says, “You’re stupid,” don’t acknowledge it; stupidity rests in the mouth of those making foolish assumptions. Remember that no matter what anyone else thinks about you, you’re the only one that knows right from wrong.

10. Impart some compassion on others

If you’re having trouble with bullies, it’s likely because you’re struggling to find a way to stand up for yourself.

The solution? Practice being assertive without being rude or aggressive. If someone is being mean to you in any way — and especially if you’re feeling like they’re taking advantage of your kindness — don’t hesitate to tell them exactly how their behavior makes you think, but do so politely and calmly.

For example: “Hey, I don’t like when people steal my food.” Or “I need some space right now.” And remember: even if the person who’s been mean isn’t listening or acting appropriately (e.g., apologizing), don’t engage in any drama; disengage from them entirely until they change their behavior toward others and themselves.

Final thoughts

Bullying has become a serious problem. It can happen in the office, at school, and even online; it wounds people’s egos, makes them feel insignificant, and even impairs their mental health.

If you want people to pay attention to what you have to say, you first need to learn how to listen before speaking up.

1. Accept that you may be wrong about something, and then try again.
2. Understand that people will get upset with the decisions they disagree with, but it’s important not to let this get in the way of making them anyway.
3. When it comes time for someone else’s opinion, listen closely before saying anything or taking action yourself.
4. When someone does something hurtful towards another person in front of us, we should offer them some compassion instead of just standing there silently watching this happen as if nothing happened.
5. Remember that everyone is struggling in some way, so try not to judge others, or you could end up seeming judgemental or unkind instead of assertive and direct.

What is your opinion on bullying, and what can we do to tame our inner bullies?

⭐️ Sign up through this link. Support your favorite platform and its talented authors. You’ll boost our community’s success and support my work with a small commission, all while gaining exclusive perks and benefits as a member.