Humor

How to Go from Boomer to Zoomer

Act like you’re always in the middle of something

Boomers came before Zoomers, but whoop, we’re all in it together now. Are you putting your best Zoom forward? In these strange times, when our only view of people is what they look like on-screen, it’s important to control how you’re being perceived.

Ten ways I can help you put your best Zoom forward

1. Look like a winner. Seat yourself in front of the most expensive thing you own. If it’s your wedding dress from your second wedding, wear it. If it’s a boat or a car you inherited in the divorce, mount yourself upon it and Zoom from there.
2. Appear well-read. Put a very large book behind you. I know you’ve been watching Acorn tv lately, but you can’t put a tv in the background if you want to win at Zoom. If you don’t own any books about politics, inequity, or global warming, just find anything thick. Cookbooks are thick. So are illustrated children’s books. So are dictionaries. If it’s not an academic book, make sure it’s blurry behind you.
3. Highlight how important you are. If you have a picture of yourself with a President, begin the call by embracing it. Then, act surprised like you were caught in the middle of something and say, “Oh man. I was just reminiscing. Busted.” If you don’t have a picture of you with a President, photoshop one.
4. Clean yourself up. Wash your hair. If you are out of shampoo, use baby powder. If you don’t have a baby, use baking powder.
5. No half outfits. Wear pants. You never know. You might suddenly have to jump up because you left the popcorn on the stove, and you’re burning your house down. Most people look inadequate without pants on.
6. Don’t be gross. Don’t scratch your armpits on camera. Don’t scratch anything. No nose-picking. If something itches, crawl under your desk, scratch, and yell, “Found it!” Then go back to your chair.
7. Look healthy. Don’t smoke or drink booze from a bottle during a Zoom meeting, unless you work for a small newspaper, or are a character actor. If you have a treadmill or a Peloton, sit on that. Then climb off and say, “Just finishing up. Where were we?”
8. Get smart. Have one of your children come in and ask you for help with physics, especially if they wear glasses. If you don’t have children, pretend to be finishing a letter to a niece or nephew who needs academic help. Say, “I’m just wrapping this up. And, alpha particle. Where were we?”
9. Highlight your sex-life. One day, you’re going to go back into the world. It’s important that people remember ‘you still got it.’ Have your partner interrupt the meeting with sexual innuendo. Not like a negligee; that looks crazy. Maybe have them saunter in and wink or give a little shoulder shimmy on the way out. If you don’t have a partner, ask a neighbor to stop by, knock on the window, and make catcalls at you.
10. Floss your teeth. I mean obviously. Spinach in the teeth is like Pence’s fly; hard to forget.

I can’t fix you in life, but I can polish you up for a Zoom call. In summary my advice is, if you want to go from Boomer to Zoomer, brush your hair, remind people you still got it, and for God’s sake, wear pants. Other than that, you’re on your own.