How to Give a Good Apology
Keys to healing, sincerity, and living authentically…
We all mess up from time to time. So, it would behoove us to learn to say we’re sorry.
If you can’t remember your last apology, I congratulate you. Maybe you believe you’re flawless. As for the rest of us, saying we’re sorry is a common and challenging part of life.
We teach children to apologize from an early age, but these skills don’t smoothly carry over into adulthood. We deal with complex relationships where both parties may share some blame.
The main objective of achieving a successful apology isn’t an argument; it’s self-preservation.
For me, there is always an inherent reluctance to make apologies. This is mostly because I believe it impacts how others perceive me.
Some people view apologizing as admitting defeat and, in turn, diminishing their social standing or their reputation.
Amy Ebesu Hubbard, a professor at the University of Hawaii Manoa School of Communication and Information states that, contrary to these beliefs, a sincere apology can bring people closer and actually enhance the apologizer’s standing with the recipient.
Whether you accidentally bump into a stranger in a crowded bar or insult your best friend’s life choices, effective apologies can boil down to a few simple steps that can be adapted to various situations. However, the key to successful apologies isn’t following a formula; it’s genuine sincerity.
Marjorie Ingall and Susan McCarthy, authors of the book “Sorry, Sorry, Sorry: The Case for Good Apologies,” identify six components of effective apologies:
- Express your apology using the words “I’m sorry” or “I apologize.”
- Specify the infraction you are apologizing for.
- Demonstrate an understanding of why your actions were hurtful and harmful to the other person.
- Avoid making excuses but provide an explanation if necessary.
- Explain how you will prevent the same situation from occurring again.
- Offer to rectify the situation, whether it involves replacing a broken lamp or spending more time with a neglected friend.
Each component can be adjusted to suit the severity of the apology. For minor infractions, you may not need to explain how you’ll better yourself after accidentally taking your neighbor’s trash can.
Using phrases like “I’m sorry” or “I apologize” is non-negotiable in any decent apology, regardless of its scale. Avoid terms such as “I regret” or “I feel really bad about what happened.”
Describing how you’ll avoid making the same mistake again with specificity is essential: “I’ll set a reminder on my phone next time to avoid forgetting,” “I won’t use that language anymore,” or “I’m going to therapy.” It’s insufficient to merely say, “I’m taking responsibility for my actions.” Explain how you intend to take responsibility.
By apologizing, you acknowledge that your words and/or actions have caused pain or harm.
Keeping all of this in mind, you should never apologize for existing, taking space, and living your authentic self. Now that’s a version of unapologetic worth aspiring to!
