How To Give A Fuck
How to give a fuck what others think about you.
To free yourself from the fear of what other people might think or say about you is, in my opinion, one of the most important tasks in personality development by far.
It is not about becoming an egocentric or narcissist, who gives a fuck about what other people think or feel, but, in the end, it is simply about freeing yourself from fear, which otherwise only paralyzes you and robs you of your joy of life and freedom.
It is a very natural need to be liked and recognized by others. This need also motivates and spurs us to be socially involved to find new friends or even a life partner. However, many people limit and restrict themselves due to the opinions of others. And I speak from personal experience.
For many years of my life, I had to struggle with this fear of what others think about me and there were countless moments when I felt how this fear really “possessed” me, but I still couldn’t let it go.
Most people lose an incredible amount of energy every day because they are far too interested in what others think or might think about them.
It is not the goal that you should flip off everyone, nor never love someone again or have no more friends. No, it is rather about respecting and appreciating yourself.
Thoughts Are Not Equal To Reality
If we say something embarrassing in a conversation, you quickly get the feeling that you have to sink into the ground because the other person will laugh about it for days and will tell everyone you know about it. In fact, you have the full attention of your counterpart for a few seconds at that moment.
After that, his or her thoughts will probably turn back to what he or she can say next to keep the conversation going.
Back in 1997, Dunbar, Marriott & Duncan studied the topic and content of human conversations. They found that 78% of conversations involved talking about ourselves and our perceptions of the world. As they said in the study, the number one function of conversation in the social domain is that:
it allows the speaker to convey to other individuals a lot of information about him/herself as a person.
Our brain is incredibly good at imagining situations. Often we analyze other people and try to understand their thoughts. But there are worlds between our imagination and reality.
Let us record the following: What the other people think…
- …does not have to be your business (people will judge you based on their values — your actions only play a minor role!)
- …will not help you in any way.
- …usually has nothing to do with you anyway.
The realization that we are so indifferent to other people may at first glance be nothing more than disappointing. But it can also be very liberating. As soon as you have really understood that all other people are always busy with their own worries, you can let go of your social fears in this respect.
The Misconception Of “Everyone’s Darling”
In our childhood we are (unconsciously) taught to please everyone. That is logical. If you can please everyone, then you will be liked by everyone, you will be respected and have many friends. A beautiful life, full of satisfaction. Right? No.
You can’t please everybody! There will always be people who have something to criticize about your actions or even your personality. You cannot change that. If you adjust your behavior, a new person will appear who does not fit your new behavior at all.
You attract the wrong people when you pretend to please others. If you pretend to wear a mask, you will naturally attract the people who like your mask. You will find satisfaction when you have few but very good friends who also sympathize with your values and ideas.
You will not experience true intimacy in the long run if you constantly bend yourself. Some people will perceive your “urge to please” as an attempt to deceive and distance themselves from you. If you become more authentic, you will not only be able to have long term & fulfilling relationships with other people, but also to filter out the people who fit you best.
If you spend your whole life trying to please others, you will never please anyone in the end.
The Gentle Way To Fuck Off
If you know yourself very well & know exactly what makes you what you are, then it will be easier for you to stand by your actions. You will automatically worry less about what others think of you because you are determined to take full responsibility for your actions.
If you finally want to get rid of these worries and fears “what others might think about you”, then you should work on your self-esteem and self-confidence.
Ultimately, you should be able to act and live proactively. While most people always live reactively, they give away an incredible amount of their potential.
Proactive here means that you act according to your values and ideas. Reactive means that you are guided by the social conventions and opinions of others. Therefore, when developing your personality, place a strong focus on your self-esteem and self-confidence.
A proactive lifestyle is neither antisocial nor selfish. Because if you use your full potential, you can give back the most to society (in itself to every person you deal with).
The Shock Therapy: Comfort Zone Challenges
One method to get results incredibly fast is the “Comfort Zone Challenges”. In your comfort zone are the activities that do not cost you any mental energy. As soon as something really challenges you, it lies outside your comfort zone, in your growth zone.
The Comfort Zone Challenges work like this:
To overcome your fears, you intentionally put yourself in social situations that are (extremely) uncomfortable for you at first. You provoke this fear to be able to face it. It is not important to fight against fear. Just the intense feeling and endurance of this fear alone makes it noticeably shrink.
Depending on how open you already are, you may need to adjust your Comfort Zone Challenges. Because as soon as you step out of your comfort zone, you suddenly have room to grow! I will give you some examples to help you orientate yourself. For most people, these are initially very unpleasant and challenging.
You can decide for yourself whether you want to take the challenges harder or in a more attenuated form. You know your comfort zone best yourself. Therefore I offer you the following incentives:
- Asking 10 strangers for the time
- Approaching new people in everyday situations
- Deliberately do something “embarrassing” or walk through the city center in a funny outfit
Closing Words
As so often, you alone have the choice here! Either you shape your life according to other standards and therefore live trapped in the ideas of others.
Or you go your own way, no matter what the others will think of you. You stand by yourself, your values, and your standards. You are authentic and have real friends who will stand by you in case of doubt.
In the beginning, it will be difficult to resist social programming. But with time it will become easier. Start now with your personality and pave your way to a fuck off mentality.
Use your potential!