How To Get Yourself Unstuck From The Narcissistic Illusion Holding You Back
It wasn’t love to begin with and now is the best time to get out.
When I hear some women talk about their emotional distress, confusion, pain, and discomfort and wondering what happened to their fairytale love story that started with such a bang.
Invariably a combination of these words follows: “Prince charming”, “Soulmate”, “Man of my dreams”, “Swept me off my feet”, “Stole my heart”, or “Charismatic.”
I’m not a psychic, but from my experience, I can predict what will come next: the relationship deteriorates, and this man who’s too perfect to be real turns into something completely different.
Often there is something much more disturbing. He needs endless attention, but nothing you do makes him happy.
Everything you say is wrong because he’s easily hurt or angry. You start feeling lonely in the relationship — confused and disconnected.
Worse, you might think it’s your fault in some way — that you have to work even harder to please him.
Often the dynamics play out more insidiously. You talk about a problem and your partner directly relates it to something that happened to him; your story fades as its own story takes over.
Or you and your partner disagree and end up questioning yourself as if dissent threatens their well-being.
If you want something that doesn’t match his priorities, it becomes a character flaw.
For example, you tell your boyfriend that you can’t get together on the night of your usual date due to work, and his answer is, “You’re just not available for serious engagement right now, and I want a real relationship”.
Suddenly you have a global problem, and he is the victim.
What a freak!
Know when it’s time to rethink your choices
If all of this sounds familiar, you may be living or dating a narcissist. The tall and charming personality is typical of narcissists.
Initially quite friendly, they attract everyone’s attention. When they shine on you, it is easy to fall hard.
But this trap becomes painful when other narcissistic traits reveal themselves.
Narcissists are hypersensitive to any perceived criticism.
Feedback other than flattery sounds like a light and can provoke extreme anger. They feel deeply hurt by criticism and have an inordinate need for praise and admiration.
Any time you express your honest feelings, you can hit your partner’s emotional quicksand.
This is not what true love feels like.
Ask yourself these questions.
Why did you choose him? Does he remind you of the love you received from either of your parents or both? Or are you and your partner trying to have a happier ending than with your parents?
Are you swallowing your anger and hiding your true self? This can lead to depression.
Do your constant efforts to please him require exhaustive vigilance? Are you working to hide your partner’s volatility and fragile ego from your children and friends?
Do you see it for what it is or are you constantly making excuses? Try to get a fair picture of what’s going on. Do not distort the data.
Do you feel like your needs are constantly being overshadowed, despite your efforts to communicate them? Did things get so bad that you stopped communicating with them because it didn’t seem necessary? Or is there a safe place for you?
Are you being gaslit?
Narcissists deny things they have said or pretend they have said otherwise. They rewrite history. They are unaware of the impact they have on you or others.
It’s crazy! So beware of this distortion and don’t buy into it.
Does your partner have a history of healthy, intimate relationships? Or is there a long-standing pattern of unstable relationships, be it romantic, friendly, or professional?
History doesn’t lie, so pay attention.
How do you feel when you are with your partner: separated and whole, or entangled and lost in their drama? Does being with your partner make you feel peaceful or nervous?
Do you feel like a better version of yourself since living or dating a narcissist? Take a moment to compare how you feel about yourself before meeting your partner and now.
When you live or date narcissists, it seems like you have to tiptoe around minefields and be constantly on the lookout not to activate them.
Narcissists take everything so personally because beneath their awesome bravado lies a deep self-loathing — they need to be backed up by constant external praise.
Their fuel is admiration and they need you to reflect their greatness because they don’t really feel it themselves.
Being that perfectly flattering mirror is exhausting, and after a while, your needs merge with theirs. You lose track of where they end and you start.
You get so busy supporting the narcissist that you have nothing left for yourself. You tend to disappear.
When you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, it’s all about them. It’s confusing and exhausting.
While this is an exciting time when you are moving in a positive direction, there is a difficult period of adjustment right after you break up with a narcissist.
How to regain your lost self-esteem
Trying to be in a relationship with a narcissist is next to impossible, so you spent a lot of time analyzing their behavior and character to understand the bent balls they kept throwing at you.
After you leave your abusive relationship, this usual pattern of analysis will continue until you force it to stop.
Every time you think about what’s wrong with your ex, remind yourself that you are no longer concerned about that person and gently encourage your mind to think about something else.
Do this over and over. Most experts say it takes three months to change a habit.
A relationship with narcissists is always about power. They have it; you don’t.
You rush to normalize everything, but you never succeed because they want to rush you so they can rock your channel whenever they want. It sounds really gross, and it was.
With no one doing this, there is a great void in your days. Life isn’t that exciting anymore.
To deal with it, keep trying new interests and activities and do your best to connect with your friends as much as possible.
If you stay at home, meditate to calm your mind. Know that you don’t always have to look outside to thrive; it can be found inside.
It’s worth preparing to face your tough times. You don’t have to relapse as I did. Just keep moving forward, and eventually, you will return to the person you were before you fell into the narcissist trap.
If you would like to get updated with stories like this in your inbox, subscribe to my newsletter. You might want to become a premium member, for as low as $5 you get the chance to read unlimited stories on Medium.