How To Get Your Trust Broken Into a Thousand Pieces (and Then Some More)

Maybe I should take a leap of faith and trust again…

In 2007, I took a train from a small town called Indore and moved to Pune (a cosmopolitan city) to study Engineering.

In India, we finish our engineering first and then decide what we want to do in our lives because, in my country, you’re either an engineer, a doctor, or a loser — there’s no fourth option to live as a human.

Standing at the college's main entrance, I saw many teenagers hanging out with their friends and girlfriends — my eyes were filled with hope. I wished the day I stepped out of this college, I would be with my close friends and a girlfriend.

This sounds funny to me today — also, cringe!

When I was in the second semester, I saw her for the first time in the college cafeteria.

Wearing a floral dress, she walked with her boyfriend, laughing uncontrollably. She was my senior, and the guy she was walking with was also my senior.

I was a movie buff and was more in love with the idea of love than actually falling in love with someone.

Love at first sight! It was happening, and my filmy soul fueled the fire inside my heart.

It won’t be wrong to say that I didn’t fall in love, but rather I pushed myself into falling in love with her.

But, I didn’t know the tribulations that were waiting for me on the other side…

Those Blurry Lines…

In the second year of college, I made some really good friends. Two of them are still my closest friends in life.

The best part? They were friends with her. Apparently, they had a dance group. I didn’t dance, though. Rather I was a National-level Table Tennis player. I was also selected for the college team.

Coming back to her, we finally met through my friends. I also went to see their dance performance, where they represented the college. There’s something very sensuous about the dance performances.

Needless to say, I was watching one person dancing, while the entire group with her was just the background dancers for me.

This is when I was in love with her more. Imagine, I have spoken to her just a few times.

Soon, we started meeting more and more because she started hanging out with my friends. New Year was approaching, and my friends were already dating girls from our batch.

We planned to go camping in a forest on New Year's Eve, and she wanted to join in, but not with her boyfriend.

Apparently, they were going through a rough phase.

I was planning to go with my friends, but an unsaid conversation was that I'd be all alone if they spent all their time with their dates.

She was the solution for that.

If she joins in, we could hang out, and my friends could spend time with their dates.

There’s a beautiful farmhouse on the outskirts of Pune where the camps were set. Around 30–35 people came in for the party, and we had an amazing time. After a while, everyone got drunk and smaller groups started to form.

It was just me and her; we only had each other to give company.

We sat at the edge of a cliff with a beautiful view in front of us and beer in our hands, and she told me about how she was unhappy in her relationship and wanted to break up.

I asked her what kind of guy she liked, and we kissed the next moment.

At that moment, I didn’t care much, but the next morning, it occurred to me that she was still dating that other guy, and she had to break up with him for our relationship to start.

I also had to confirm if this meant something to her. Fortunately, it did mean something to her.

She said she wanted to be with me and would break up with the guy.

We were dating like any other normal couple, and I gave her the time she needed to end things amicably with the other guy. All my friends knew about this; even though they didn’t approve of it, they were all supportive. Deep within, I felt I was doing something wrong, but I didn’t know the extent of how wrong it was.

One day, she asked me to check the show times for a movie. I checked and told her but added that I have been bunking many lectures and can’t go to the movie with her. She told me she was going to the movie with the other guy.

At that moment, I lost it.

I asked her, “Why are you going with him?”

She said, “He’s getting too suspicious…”

I told her, “That’s exactly when you should tell him you don’t want to be with him.”

She said, “Yes, and that’s why I want to take him out, calm him and then tell him that I want to break up.”

It didn’t sound right to me.

That night I called my friends to my place and told them everything about it. To my surprise, they told me to end things with her. And I was shocked.

Looking back at it, I should have.

But I told them I needed their help to end her relationship with her boyfriend. It was a mess I had gotten myself into.

One of my friends was a good friend of her boyfriend. He called him, and we went to his place.

Outside his house, I told him that I was dating his girlfriend. He was a strong guy — he must have had a couple of abs, at least. But at that moment, he broke down. He was heartbroken, and I believed every word he said, and suddenly, I realized that whatever she had told me was a lie. He loved her.

And what I had done has broken someone’s heart into a thousand pieces. He was crying like a small kid.

Ultimately, he told me they went to watch the movie and then had a moment at his place after returning home.

She was very happy, and they were talking about getting married.

It was my turn now — I couldn’t stop my tears. But I still didn’t feel it as deeply as the senior guy in front of me was feeling.

I can’t compare the hurt caused in a four-year relationship with the hurt caused in a four-month relationship.

But when it hurts, it hurts — it’s incomparable!

Let’s Get Back Together

This wasn’t me. I didn’t know my actions could hurt someone.

I always thought that if the day came, we might fight someday. And I wasn’t too confident of beating him, but I was sure I’d fight him. But in none of my thoughts, I could’ve imagined him crying like this.

I had visited this guy’s place with five other friends. To tell him that I was dating his girlfriend.

There was no point in fighting. We both had lost. Needless to say, we both were losers at that point.

I went back home and slept. The next morning, I got up at 5 and checked my phone. I had 83 missed calls. Suddenly, the phone vibrated again. I received the call, and she was on the other side.

She told me, “No one ever has made a choice for me in life. You went to his place and told him. Thank you!” I was not ready to believe anything she said, but I was still listening to her — maybe that was the biggest mistake ever.

He had broken up with her. And our break up didn’t need any formal conversation — it was obviously over. I was back chilling with my friends with my bruised heart. My friends were happy I was out of that “no name/ fling-ish” relationship.

But they didn’t know I was still chatting with her.

She was so embarrassed that she stopped attending college. She only came to the college when she had to sit for exams.

But she chatted with me, and we talked after my lectures ended.

When I look back at it, I feel that maybe there’s no logic to trusting people because I still believed everything she said. Or maybe the amount of hurt wasn’t enough to push me into change.

I had everything — a great group of friends who were making a conscious effort to help me have a good time, amazing parents who were in another country at that time but used to speak to me on video call every fortnight.

And she just had me. She deserved it, but I felt bad about it. And so, out of this immense lack of emotional intelligence, I asked her, “Do you want to get back together with me?”

What was I thinking? I was ready to trust her again. And moreover, I was ready to hide this from my best friends.

You Cheat Me Twice, Shame On Me

Of course, she said yes!

And now we’re dating again. Nobody knew about us, and no third person would get hurt this time.

Last time, the third person was me.

A year passed, and she had completed her engineering degree.

I don’t know how, but I started growing away from my friends because she was slowly becoming my priority, and I started living my life at her convenience. It wasn’t bothering me because of course, I had no self-respect, I was living in the shadow of the validation she used to give me.

She got a job, and I was happy for her.

Her workplace was in the city's outskirts, and for us to continue meeting would be a huge challenge because she’d be at work during the weekdays and I would be at the college.

So, I came up with the idea that when she returned from work, we could have a cup of coffee together every evening.

My life became about those ten minutes that we used to spend next to the bus stand at a coffee shop.

And those ten minutes flew by like ten seconds. Every. Single. Day.

However, that day was different. I had final year exams, so I hadn’t met her at the bus stop for a couple of weeks. But it was her birthday, so I decided to surprise her. I bought her favourite Black Forest cake and a bouquet of flowers.

I had a tough exam the next day, but she usually only spent ten minutes, so I didn’t worry too much about wasting time. I waited in anticipation until the bus finally showed up. But she didn’t. I asked the bus driver, who said she never got on the bus.

I was extremely scared. I was hoping she was not in some danger.

Another girl used to get off at the same bus stop. She approached me and introduced herself. I was in so much panic I didn’t even greet her properly.

She asked me politely, “Are you dating her?”

I said, “Of course! Why else would I show up at the bus stop every day?”

She took a moment and hesitated. Then said, “She’s dating someone in the office too.”

“You’re mistaken. That’s not possible.” I said. She said, “Listen, I’ve been seeing you here for months. And I’ve felt like you’re a genuine person. I had doubts, but she’s been dating this other guy, her team leader, for the last three months.”

I was frozen.

“And you deserve to know this,” she continued. “It’s none of my business to interfere in your matters, but you deserve better, dude!”

The ground beneath my feet started moving, and I wet my pants (literally). I couldn’t believe what I had just heard.

I finally realized, standing at a bus stop, how the ex-boyfriend must have felt that day standing outside his house.

I gave the flowers to the girl who told me the truth. I confirmed the news with the (so-called) girlfriend, and she agreed to it, too.

I was heartbroken, not because I trusted her but because all the time I could have spent with my friends was lost.

I was in my final year, and I was completely shattered.

Trust is Like a Mirror

Even if you put back the shattered pieces, it won’t be the same again.

I met my friends and told them the truth.

For some reason, they seemed to be preoccupied. Maybe they had other plans with their dates. I don’t blame them. I had not prioritized them when they asked me to hang out with or meet them, how can I expect them to be with me when they have other commitments.

I was all alone. It was weird.

Only the last semester of my college was left, and nothing I had imagined about my college life was happening.

My friends drifted apart from me, and the only person I cared about all this while was caught red-handed cheating on me.

She called me and told me about how she was celebrating her birthday with her new boyfriend, but I kept the phone away and didn’t answer her on that call.

That was the last bit of interaction we had.

The college ended, and now I was in love with another idea — the idea of depression.

I walked out of the gate of that college alone, just the way I had entered it.

It might sound like a story of a stupid guy who didn’t know how the world works. But I’m glad this story is an excerpt of the coming of age of that guy.

I’m just happy that I didn’t carry that bitterness with me and I might a completely different person at 35 years old right now, but the story will always remain with me as something that’s teaching me even today.

I hope it reaches another soul on this planet who might feel that nobody understands them, but it’s an opportunity for them to understand themselves. This time they spend with themselves is when they will treasure their entire life.

I hope their love is received by the person who deserves it and mine, too.

Until next time,

Ciao!

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