How to Get Over Heartache

Because even situationships can tangle you up

The best things are always the ones that can hurt you the most.

Feeling a deep connection with someone is an incredible and intense feeling. But you can only open yourself up to those feelings by making yourself really vulnerable.

Whether it’s someone who gives you butterflies, gives you a sense of security, or just makes you feel like your life is enmeshed with theirs, you’re putting your heart on the line. That means it will hurt when you lose them, no matter how gently it ends.

It doesn’t have to be a divorce or a formal breakup. Sometimes, it’s a really deep friendship that ends with a devastating fight. It can be a situationship that was never official but still hurts like it was. Even things that weren’t supposed to be anything can feel like they meant everything.

Whatever it was, it’s over now and you feel a little empty and lonely.

Whenever it happens to me, I go through all sorts of emotional states. It feels like a grieving process — because it is. I grieve for what was and could’ve been. I grieve for the person I was with them. I grieve for the attachment and just having something meaningful to do.

There’s a lot of yearning, a lot of numbness, and a lot of sadness.

I rage. I get upset. I wallow.

I try to detach — from them and from myself.

I try not to listen to the dumb shit my brain keeps telling me to do — like when it tries to convince me to send a text. Anything it can do to hold on, to cling, to try to win them back even when I’m pretty fucking sure I don’t want them back.

It’s a shitty process, but it’s an important one. There’s no easy way out of heartache. You have to go through the motions to really get over what you lost.

But there are ways to work through the process more easily and sometimes a little more quickly.

It won’t always be smooth, but you want to do things that help you come out the other end feeling stronger and more self-possessed, not worn down and completely cynical.

Some of these things will help you ease the pain. Some will make you stronger. Some won’t do anything but keep you from ruminating. But they will all help you get to a better place in your life.

Let Yourself Be Sad

The first few days are always really bad. It doesn’t help to pretend they’re not.

You feel sad, so be sad. Eat as much ice cream as you feel like. Watch your favorite movies. Listen to sad breakup songs.

Cry, cry, and cry some more.

Spend too much time talking to those two friends of yours who’ve been there and will listen to all your shit, no matter how whiny or mopey it is.

I used to fight against the wallowing. I tried to hide my sorrow from others. I tried to act like it wasn’t a big deal — like I had already started moving on.

It never helped. Bottling it up just made the pain last longer. I just felt sad but I wasn’t letting myself get through the sad part — I was stuck in it.

When I wallow, yeah, I might get a little pathetic at times, but at least I get over that stage a lot more quickly.

Start Living Your Life Again

The wallowing can’t last forever, though.

Once I’m done throwing my one-woman pity party, I make sure to get back to my regular life.

You should do the same. Putting your life on pause for an extended period of time is just going to let the heartache take over. If you’re going to move on, you’re going to have to get back into the swing of things.

Get back to your workout routine. Start eating well again after your ice cream binge.

Do some productive stuff. Make sure the housework gets done.

You might still end up in front of Netflix with a box of tissues at the end of the day, but at least you’ll start to feel like yourself again.

Practice Extra Self Care

While you’re still feeling down, make sure to take extra time to pamper yourself and make yourself feel good.

Treat yourself like you’re worth it, even if you sometimes slip into wondering whether you are.

I personally take extra bubble baths and stay in them longer. I give myself time to get cozy in bed with a book. I’ll go for a walk so I can clear my head and get some fresh air. If I feel like it, I’ll make sure to get myself off (though sometimes I take care of that in one of those bubble baths).

If it’s relaxing and makes you feel good without being self-destructive, go for it.

If you get stuck in the wallowing phase, you’ll spend too much time feeling like shit and missing when things were still good and you felt better. If you take care of yourself, though, you’ll be able to focus on the fact that you’ll feel great in the future. And that optimism will help you get through this.

Listen to Music That Pumps You Up

Every time I go through something, I end up with a new playlist.

At some point, the sad songs don’t cut it anymore. I need songs that help me feel good and that help me stay strong. Depending on how things ended, I might also need songs that remind me to stay angry.

The soundtrack to my latest bout of heartache has been Ashnikko and Lizzo. Having them on heavy rotation in my Spotify list reminds me not to put up with anyone’s bullshit and that I don’t have to settle for less than I deserve.

Keep Your Hands Busy

Music helps, but listening to it leaves me with idle hands. And that shit really is the devil’s playground.

When I feel bored is when I start thinking, “Well, what could I do with my hands?”

It doesn’t take long for the little purple-haired devil on my shoulder to whisper “Text him!”

Fuck that. Much better to play a Candy Crush until I run out of lives. I opened the app for the first time in a year and it’s been surprisingly helpful for keeping me out of trouble.

I do productive things, too. You’d be surprised how long it takes to edit a podcast episode, but sometimes that’s just the kind of tedious work I need to focus on.

When you feel bored is when you’ll be at your weakest. It’s better to keep busy than to keep focusing on the person you’re trying to get over.

And you will be bored a plenty. You’ll probably be surprised by just how much of your time was spent with them. All of a sudden, those hours will feel long and empty. You won’t know what to do with yourself and you might not want to do anything. But you’re going to have to find a way to stay occupied and make good use of that time.

Block Them on Social Media (But Not Right Away)

Social media is one of the toughest things to deal with. It’s a lot easier to get over someone when you don’t have to see their stupid face every time you log on.

The easy solution is to just block them, but that’s not always the right thing to do.

Blocking immediately works for some people in some situations, but not for me. I have a really hard time not feeling like I acted too quickly and worrying that I made a mistake.

I’ll just keep second-guessing the decision.

Was I too harsh?

Does me blocking them look immature?

What if I change my mind? Blocking them feels like I burnt that bridge.

And sometimes, you don’t want to block them right away because you’re waiting to see if they wise the fuck up. Sometimes I don’t block because I want to give them the opportunity to reach out and apologize for the hurtful shit they did or said to me. If I block them right away, I’ll always wonder if I prevented them from apologizing, or if I didn’t give them the chance to repair things.

You pretty much always get some closure, though. When a week goes by without an apology, that’s all the confirmation you need. Once you have your closure (either through communication or lack of it), you can go ahead and block them.

On some platforms, you’ve got the option to hide or mute them instead of going for a full-blown block. That can be a good middle ground. You’ll stop being constantly reminded of them but you’ll still have the lines of communication open, just in case.

Write Yourself a Reminder

It can be helpful to write out the reason(s) why it wouldn’t have worked out between the two of you anyway.

Things always end for a reason (even if that reason is “he’s a fucking dog and he’s never gonna change”). You might need to remind yourself what that reason is.

You can write a list of ways you’re incompatible.

You can write out the shitty things he said the last time you spoke to him.

You can write yourself a reminder that you’re worth more and that they don’t deserve you.

Or you can just write something simple so you can remember that if it was meant to be, it wouldn’t have ended.

I use the Notes app on my phone for this. That way, I can read it no matter where I am.

Don’t Jump Back in Right Away

After you break up or pull away from someone, it’s possible to remain friends with them. But you’ll have to nurse your heartache first.

Even if becoming friends is the best course of action, that friendship might be better, stronger, and more comfortable if you let yourself have a little distance first.

In the immediate aftermath, you’re hurt, you’re upset, you’re angry, you miss them and what you had and you want it back. That’s a recipe for an emotional cocktail that will ruin a friendship, not preserve it.

After some time, those feelings won’t be as intense. You’ll still have the memories but you’ll be able to keep your emotions in check. If there’s potential for a healthy friendship between you two (there often isn’t), that’s when you’ll be ready to build one.

Progress Won’t Be Linear — Accept That

Getting over heartache has its ups and downs.

One day you’ll feel like you’re over it and you’ve moved on. The next, you’ll be staring at their number in your phone and forcing yourself not to tap the screen.

One day, you’ll feel strong and in charge of yourself. The next, you’ll be wiping your tears away because a movie reminded you of them.

And that’s fine. You’re still moving ahead, just not in a straight line.

It will feel like you’re slipping, like you’re getting weak, like you haven’t gotten over them at all.

But you have. Even through the dips, you’ll still be trending upward.

So, don’t panic because of the dips. Realize that you’re still moving forward even if you have to take a step back to regain your balance once in a while.

You Won’t Feel Like This Forever

There’s no pill to get over heartache. There’s no smoothie with enough superfoods to make you feel better the next day. And no, getting under someone else almost never means you got over the one who broke your heart.

It’s going to take time, but it will happen.

Remind yourself of the last heartbreak. You probably felt like your life was over. But it wasn’t. You got over it and started living your life again. You probably came out the other end a better you.

You’ll get through it again. So, even when you feel hopeless, remember that it always get better with time.

Let’s keep in touch! Sign up for my weekly newsletter (I won’t send you anything without your enthusiastic consent!)

❤ If you liked this post, you might also love: