How to Get Aroused When You’re Struggling

My hormones cockblock me — here’s how I stop them

I’ve got an unsteady sex drive.

My libido fluctuates and it fluctuates a lot. One day, I can be easily aroused and feel horny for hours. And then I might spend a week barely able to feel a twinge.

I’ve got hormonal imbalances, and my libido is at the mercy of my body’s inability to produce the hormones it needs.

That means my sex drive often dips when I don’t want it to.

Not feeling horny but really wishing I did is a common occurrence.

I often crave the intimacy and connection I get from sex, but I struggle to get my desires in line with that craving.

There are also plenty of times I just plain want to have sex. I want to go through all the great stuff I experienced the last time I fucked. I want tongue and fingers all over me, I want orgasms that almost make me forget who I am, I want the delirious joy of feeling absolutely fucking spent.

But even when I want that, I often struggle to get myself there.

I want to have sex, but I can’t muster up the desire I need to have it.

I’ve been looking for help with this issue for years. For a long time, the only advice I got was to just have sex anyway.

The idea was that if I forced myself to get started, I would get into it. And with any luck, sex would become a habit and my body and hormones would adjust accordingly.

It would be nice if things were that simple.

I tried scheduling sex and I tried often. I forced myself to go through it even though I wasn’t really feeling it.

Each time, I kind of got there. I managed to get a bit aroused — enough to go through with it and have sex. But the sex wasn’t nearly as good as it could’ve been or should’ve been.

There was no enthusiasm to it. It was less like I was into it and more like I managed to put up with it.

Not being all that horny meant I was really inhibited and didn’t get as much pleasure from it. I had a harder time achieving orgasm, and the climaxes I did get were weaker and less frequent than usual.

And because I was barely aroused, I experienced a lot more cervix pain.

Needless to say, it never became a habit. If anything, the more scheduled sex I had, the more I felt like sex wasn’t worth my time.

I was still on a quest to have more sex, but what my failed experiments at scheduling sex taught me is that I needed to boost my arousal first. My sex drive wasn’t cooperative, but it wasn’t optional.

Now, when I want to have sex, there are a few things I do to get myself in the right mood.

Reading Erotica

Reading erotica is the first thing I started doing to get horny when I struggled to get myself there.

I read a lot of erotica when I was younger, but I gave it up in my mid-20s. My sex drive had slowed down and I lost interest in reading smut.

Then Fifty Shades of Grey happened.

Everyone was talking about it, and it got me curious. I felt nostalgic for my erotica-reading years. So, like every other housewife, I got a copy of the books.

When I told my husband I was interested in reading them, he dropped everything and went to buy a copy of each book from a nearby drugstore.

That night, I crawled into bed and started reading the first book and I didn’t want to put it down. I had a toddler and a baby at the time, so it was hard to find time to read. But anytime I could, I would turn pages in those books.

Within a week, I had finished all three novels. And I felt hornier than I had in a very long time.

I didn’t feel finished when I got to the end of Fifty Shades Freed so I started getting more books. I started reading erotica again. I love the genre — I love how pointlessly filthy it is.

But what I really loved was feeling aroused again. I wasn’t quite my old self, but it was reassuring to know my libido wasn’t completely dead.

After a while, I took things further. I started writing erotica. I figured if Fifty Shades can get me going, then maybe I don’t need to be a good writer to get other people going (sorry, E.L. James).

Reading erotica got me hot. Writing erotica made me feel at least twice as hot. I could take the stories where I wanted. I could create whatever character fit my fantasy. Mostly, it just lit up my sexual imagination and kept it active.

Watching Porn

Porn was another habit I had more or less given up when my hormones went out of balance. But rekindling my love of erotica also revived my love of porn.

I thought of my libido like a small fire I had to keep feeding. Porn was kind of like kindling. It would make the fire flare up, but go out almost as quickly. I had to keep watching it throughout the day just to get horny and keep myself in that state.

If I was going to get myself ready for sex, I’d have to watch it on and off for hours.

I still use porn to get aroused or stay aroused. Now that my libido is better, it doesn’t take quite as long to get me there. Sometimes, it just takes one clip or a really good GIF.

It doesn’t always work, though. If my lack of horniness is due to anxiety, porn can’t cure that — nothing can. Anxiety’s like a wet blanket that will put out any fire, even now that I’m paying for the good stuff.

Using Ben Wa Balls

A little while back, I bought a set of ben wa balls.

This one was because of Fifty Shades, too. I read about them in the novel and wanted to try them ever since.

I pushed myself to get a set because I was blogging — if I get to write about it, I can justify almost any expense.

They were hard to insert but fairly comfortable once they were in. Moving around with the balls inside me was highly arousing. It didn’t matter how I felt about sex before I put them in — once they were in me, it was pretty much all I could think about.

If I ever need to get aroused, they’re a quick fix tucked away in my drawer.

Using Arousal Oil

Arousal oil is newer for me, so I’m still playing around with it. But when I feel the urge to have sex but struggle to get horny, I’ll rub a drop of it on my clit and let it do its thing.

It doesn’t feel like much at first, but within two minutes my clit is throbbing and tingling.

It doesn’t necessarily arouse me the way ben wa balls do, but constantly thinking about my clit and the way it feels keeps my mind focused on sex.

It’s easy to overdo, though. I’ve learned the hard way that two drops is one too many. That had me running to shower — and not so I could get myself off with the shower head.

Getting High

I regularly vape cannabis and have an edible in the afternoon. But I’ll often hit the vape one more time at night so I can get ready to fuck.

Getting high doesn’t actually arouse me, but it puts me in the right headspace to be receptive to arousal.

It keeps some of my anxieties away and helps me cope with any low-level pain I might be feeling. But I’m also more sensitive when I’m high. It can make the difference between my husband’s touch feeling good and it making me want more.

Getting Massaged

Sensual massage work really well when I want to get in the mood. Getting undressed, feeling my partner’s constant touch, sharing that intimacy with him — it gets me horny almost every time.

Trying to force myself to have sex was really difficult. It almost made me feel resentful toward my husband because there was kind of a sketchy vibe to having sex when I wasn’t feeling any desire for it.

There’s nothing like that with a massage. There’s naked intimacy and lots of physical touch, but as long as he doesn’t expect to get sex out of it, it doesn’t feel forced.

It’s also nice to have on its own. If I watch hours of porn and never manage to get aroused, it just feels like I’ve wasted my time (porn is hot when you’re aroused but surprisingly dull when you’re not). But with a massage, it doesn’t matter if you never get there — it’s still thoroughly enjoyable even if it doesn’t result in horniness.

The sexpectation-free massage dynamic also makes me feel safe, relaxed, taken care of, and not pressured in the least. All of which makes it more likely to get me in the mood for sex.

Low Libido Life

I started doing all of these things because my hormonal imbalances almost killed my desire to have sex.

Now, I’m in the early stages of a new hormonal treatment. It’s too early to tell if it will last and I’ll get better, but so far it’s been promising.

My sex drive is better than it was, but it still comes and goes for seemingly no reason. And the hormonal imbalances still cause a fair bit of anxiety. If I go through any kind of stress, it ruins my ability to have sex.

I still find myself with a libido that’s lower than I want it to be. I still struggle to get there some days. So, I still use these methods regularly to get myself there.

Since I started writing, my sex drive has been better. But I also depend on my creativity more than before and I’ve noticed I’m a lot more creative when I’m aroused. Because of that, I use these methods for writer’s block, too.

I know what’s wrong with me now. I’m getting treatment, but it will take a long time to fully recover, if I even can fully recover. In the meantime, at least I’ve got porn, weed, and a weird little bottle of oil I can rub into my clit.

My favorite site to check out when I’m struggling with my sex drive is Adult Time. It’s got tons of hot, highly arousing porn that usually does the trick! That’s an affiliate link, by the way. If you click on it and treat yourself to a subscription, I earn a small commission and you’ll be supporting my work! ❤

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