How to Get a Guy to Be More Emotionally Vulnerable With You

Help him open up

As soon as I met Mr. Austin, I felt drawn to him.

Superficially, that made no sense. He wasn’t really my type.

I had just spent a couple of years going after alternative, punk, and indie guys with hot tattoos. Now here I was fawning over a guy who was, well, kind of a dork.

He had long, scraggly hair. He was into weird music and artsy movies. I liked to get high, party, and see what would happen. He didn’t even drink.

We didn’t have a whole lot in common when we first met. Sometimes, it felt like we came from two different worlds. But it barely mattered because there was one thing about him that I couldn’t get enough of.

He was a lot more vulnerable than any of the other guys I knew.

That was the quality I found most attractive in him, and it’s why I couldn’t resist him even though he was the kind of guy I could normally resist just fine.

Before I met him, I knew exactly what I wanted out of a relationship. I wanted to be with someone I could share my time, my thoughts, and my feelings with. I wanted to feel heard, understood, and safe. I wanted to actually be completely comfortable around my partner and to be able to talk about it when I wasn’t.

I thought I’d have to give up on that dream. All the guys I met made me think that vulnerable men exist in romantic comedies, romance novels, and daydreams — but not in real life.

When I finally got to be with a genuinely vulnerable guy, it felt like taking a long, deep breath of fresh air.

I settled into the kind of relationship I always wanted — the kind I thought every relationship should be like.

But as I got to know him more, I started to see that there were limits to his vulnerability. I didn’t realize it at first because I was still wowed by how open he was compared to the other guys I knew. Once the surprise factor wore off, though, I could tell he was still closed off.

I first noticed it in the way he got defensive about certain things.

Apologizing was not his strong suit. He had a few strategies to deflect responsibility and avoid taking accountability for the things he said or did. Sometimes, he would turn it all into a joke and try to slide by on that. Other times, he’d throw out a pile of excuses until he was satisfied that he wasn’t to blame. The worst was when he’d try to turn it back on me and try to fault me for something so the heat wouldn’t be on him anymore.

He was also insecure about a few things. He had body image issues, he often worried he was boring and inadequate as a boyfriend, and he felt like he was undeserving of just about anything.

That was fine. I had my baggage, too. We all do. The problem is that he couldn’t address it.

When he complained about being scrawny, I told him I didn’t have any problems with his body. I also offered to work out with him if he thought it would help. My reassurance didn’t seem to stick and he would brush off my offer every time.

He hated how young he looked but didn’t want to change the jeans and band t-shirts look he had since he was sixteen.

He felt like he was missing out on the type of career he wanted, working overtime in a factory while dreaming of being a writer or an educator. But he wouldn’t take any of the opportunities that opened up to him.

There were so many things he wanted to change, but he couldn’t move forward. It’s like he thought doing anything different would mean admitting he’d been doing it wrong — and that was unthinkable.

And more generally, I started realizing that there were parts of him that he would leave obscure. He was an open book, but there were a few pages that he felt too embarrassed to share.

Now, after eleven years of marriage, he’s made a lot of progress. When he feels insecure about something, he’ll address it or at least talk about it. He’s far better at apologizing than he was before. And he manages to walk the fine line between not being scared to embarrass himself without being embarrassing.

I’m not going to take all the credit for him maturing into a more vulnerable guy. He took some of that growth into his own hands. He worked on his baggage and his damage. He aged into more responsibilities and handles them well. Becoming a father might have helped, too.

But I don’t think all my poking and prodding was for nothing. My encouragement seemed to help him along. At the very least, I tried not to hold him back.

It seems like every woman who dates men or is in a relationship with one wishes that her guy was more vulnerable. It’s something men tend to struggle with, too. But it should be addressed because a relationship is stronger and the intimacy is deeper when neither of you are closed off.

If you want your guy to be more vulnerable with you, there are ways you can help him get there.

Show Him You Find It Attractive

Vulnerability is one of the traits women find most attractive in a man. But a lot of men have missed the memo.

When guys try to make themselves more attractive, they tend to go in the opposite direction.

Instead of being more open, they detach. They act cold and stoic. They might even believe that being distant is a seduction tactic.

Instead of showing a little humility, they lean on the cockiness. They’ll brag, show off, and peacock as best as they can. If they have wealth, they’ll try to flash it. If they have connections, they’ll name drop them. If they fancy themselves an intellectual, they’ll flex on that.

If your guy isn’t being vulnerable with you, there’s a chance it’s because he’s got the same mistaken ideas about what makes a man attractive.

He might even think his vulnerability would turn you off.

So, make sure that you let him know that you find it really appealing.

When you mention the things you like in a guy, don’t just stick to the superficial stuff like nice forearms or a well-groomed beard. Throw in a character trait or two so that he knows you’ll find him even more attractive if he lets himself be real with you.

If you’re watching a movie and find yourself really drawn to the male lead, tell him it’s the way he can be vulnerable (guys usually are in the movies) that makes him extra hot.

Or just bring it up. Tell him that you find it really attractive when he opens up and you wish he did it more.

Be Clear About the Kind of Vulnerability You Want

Some guys also don’t know what vulnerability looks like. When they hear that word, all they can think of is behavior that they’d rather not take on.

He might think it means being weak, that it means letting yourself be done in by things you should be able to tough out.

He might assume that it means being a blubbery mess. That being vulnerable means being emotionally fragile and crying at the slightest provocation.

Or he might get vulnerable guys mixed up with needy guys — those who need to be constantly reassured and can never put anyone else’s needs first because theirs are so big.

So when you tell him you wish he was more vulnerable, make sure you spell it out. Tell him exactly what you mean by that.

Let him know that you don’t wish he was constantly emotional or that you just want to talk about feelings day in and day out. All you want is for him to feel secure enough to be in touch with his emotions and be open about them.

Make Him Feel Safe

A lot of guys have their guard up when it comes to their emotions because they never felt safe enough to completely express themselves.

They might have been teased by their friends when they tried to. Maybe their dad put them down for showing emotions. Even worrying that others will think less of them for it could be enough to make them reluctant to express their feelings.

That’s why you have to create a safe space for him. You have to make him feel like he can tell you anything and that he won’t feel judged when he does.

Creating a lot of intimacy and a strong emotional bond helps with that. So does being there for him when he’s going through something.

But one thing that matters a lot is your reaction.

If you act weirded out when he brings up his insecurities, he might think that he made a mistake by sharing them with you. Or if you tease him a little too much when he lets his emotions show, he might feel humiliated and close himself off again.

It can be hard to control your reaction sometimes. So if you do or say something that might be taken the wrong way, be sure to explain yourself. You can tell him you only reacted the way you did because he normally doesn’t share his feelings and it caught you off guard. You can apologize for teasing him and say that you’re really glad he shared that side of himself.

Be Vulnerable With Him

I spent years wishing my husband was more vulnerable with me. But it took me a long time before I realized that I was holding things back, too.

I would bottle up some of my feelings instead of voicing them. I would hold back on sharing some of my wants with him because I felt too embarrassed to lay them out. And I tried to hide my insecurities because telling him about them made me feel exposed.

Once I started opening up more, it encouraged him to do the same.

Being vulnerable with him is a perfect opportunity to prompt him to do the same.

You can tell him about something that makes you feel insecure and then ask him if you ever do anything that makes him feel the same way.

You can say that sometimes you worry he doesn’t find you attractive and see if he goes through that too.

And in general you can let him know when you’re sad, frustrated, or embarrassed. And with any luck, he’ll become comfortable enough to do the same.

Reframe Masculinity

Your guy might also be keeping his emotions close to the chest because vulnerability doesn’t fit with his idea of masculinity.

That can be a really big deal to a lot of men. His self-esteem and well-being might depend in part on knowing that he’s manly or at least fits somewhere on the masculine spectrum.

If that’s the case, the other stuff might not really matter to him as much. Even if he believes that being more vulnerable would make him more attractive and that you won’t judge him for it, he might still resist because he believes it’s too feminine.

He might even believe that you sincerely want him to open up more but that once he does, you’ll lose sexual interest in him.

That might sound a little absurd, but if you’ve seen forums where guys debate the difference between alpha males and beta males, that’s the kind of stuff you find. The idea peddled there is usually that women want to settle down with a beta because of the comfort and security it gives them, but they’ll quickly lose interest in sex because they can only get it up for alphas.

Even if your guy isn’t deep into these toxic online communities, those are ideas that a lot of people still get in softer ways. It’s the message a lot of men get when they keep hearing that women love bad boys, for instance.

So if you’re having trouble getting the guy you’re with to be more open with you, it’s important for you to make it clear that your idea of masculinity involves that kind of vulnerability. That you believe sincerely that being vulnerable can still be a manly quality.

And if you have to go there, you can even explain why you think that being insecure is a way bigger beta quality than being secure enough to be vulnerable. Because it is.

Sell It With Sex

The idea that sex sells is mostly overblown. But in this case, it can work.

Sex with a vulnerable guy is really hot. In part, that’s because you know he’ll be able to experiment and try out new things because he’s not scared of making mistakes or embarrassing himself. He’ll also be a lot more present if he’s willing to connect with you instead of letting his ego take the lead.

But the sex will also be better because you’ll feel sexier.

The intimacy that comes from being vulnerable with someone will help you get more turned on. It will make you feel like you can let go of your inhibitions.

When he lets his guard down, you can let yours down too. That means you’ll feel more comfortable exposing yourself. You’ll feel safer about doing crazy, wild things in bed.

Basically, he’ll get the dirtiest, horniest version of you he can possibly get.

Making him realize that could be what finally tips him over. Because if that’s not an incentive to open up emotionally, I don’t know what is.

Improve Your Relationship

It’s not always easy for guys to open up. But with the right kind of help and encouragement, you can get him to be more vulnerable with you.

And it’s completely worth it.

There are a lot of reasons I love my husband, but our relationship has been so much stronger since he started opening up more. The intimacy is deeper. We’re more comfortable with each other. The sex is so much better, too.

So, do what you can to make him feel safe and encourage him to be himself around you. Because when you see what a difference it makes, you’ll wish you had done it sooner.

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