A Quest for Dignity

How to get a divorce without losing your soul

So, you have reached the point where divorce is the only way forward. You’ve searched your soul a million times. You’ve evaluated every other option until you are ragged and raw inside. You are hurt and the hurt has started to feel like a physical part of your self that you crave to cut off and let go.

Divorce. A word that people think of in myriad ways. Usually accompanied by a head tilt, and a “Poor you” look. A word that you likely never imagined would peak your life, would ruffle the feathers of your beautiful family. Because, clearly, you never dreamed this would happen.

But now it has.

And now, you clearly have two choices.

One, be miserable through the process and make your ex equally (preferably, more) miserable. Make him regret every betrayal, every injury, every wrong. Make him regret them till the end of time. Take everything you can lay your hands on. And look for, if not happiness, then at least a sense of satisfaction at the end of what should never have been your lot.

The other option can have diametrically opposite effects but will need you to behave diametrically different.

Because this second option hinges on dignity.

You can choose to park your ego at the door, and to whatever extent, although this can be hard, you can choose to park your emotions at the door.

Because, for better or for worse, the most emotional parts of the marriage are over. The grief and bitterness and stinging hurt and tears — these are actually in the past once you’ve arrived at the decision we call Divorce.

Your choosing to park your ego at the door will mean being clinical and analytical about the process. It will mean that if you want your dignity, and if you want to walk away from this with your soul intact, then you will have to behave in a way that will keep you proud of yourself.

It will mean keeping your ex’s wants, needs, and expectations front, square and center. It will mean that you will have to convince him why divorce is good for him. Why being together is bad for him. Why separation is the best way for him to achieve his life’s desires.

A divorce conversation that starts with “I want” or “I never get” or anything related to “I” is much less likely to hit its mark than starting with where your partner is, and where they want to go.

Ultimately, it’s like designing a business case for a startup idea.

You must think about what problem is the divorce solving for them and couching it in a way such that they realize that the divorce is really the only road to them meeting their life’s destiny.

Does this sound evil to you? The way I look at it, this is a much more humanized way to get a divorce. Being aware of your partner’s way of thinking gives you an advantage that you should use. Rather than getting tied up in all the things you expected from the marriage and all the things that didn’t work out, focus on getting out. Focus on getting out with your dignity intact and your head held high.

The time for recrimination is over.

It’s time now for a rational, cooler, yet more human approach.

Divorce can be the opportunity you’ve been looking for, for a long time. An opportunity to spread your wings, to assert your identity, your independence. Your right to be however you choose to be.

And that version of you doesn’t need to wait until the papers are signed. You don’t have to wait for the divorce to be finalized before you start living.

It can start now. With the conversation you need to have to set things in motion.

Divorce can be a beautiful, freeing word. All it needs is a different perspective.