How to Flip Perfectionism on Its Head as a Struggling Writer
We’re all in this together
I’ve been a freelancer for 2.5 years. A freelance writer for 7 months. And a struggling freelance writer also for 7 months.
When I started and told myself “I can do this” I was optimistic about earning through the various online platforms available to me. Not only that but I would be using some forms, like personal essays and poems, as a form of therapy and self-exploration. Something well needed after the events of 2020.
As I set out on my online writing adventure, I was determined for every published piece to be executed well and with clarity of purpose. I really can’t stand to see some of the lacklustre content plastered all over the internet. Some might as well be ads. And I would hate, absolutely hate readers to view my work this way.
This was probably the main thought that led me to become the perfectionist I know and despise today. The one who fears judgement so much they edit, re-edit, scrap, repurpose, over analyse, overload, publish and then keep hawk eyes glued to my stats pages and social posts to see if it was in fact “good enough”.
This is a horrible place to be trapped in. It wasn’t until I started analysing myself for the right reasons I was able to slowly break away from this thought process and start believing what I write was good enough. I still struggle from time to time, don’t get me wrong. But these teachings are seriously helping me break from that.
Brené Brown from a writer’s perspective
The most difficult thing we can do as writers is to accept that just because our work might not garner our desired results, doesn’t mean it’s any less worthy to have been brought into existence.
Dr Brené Brown has studied topics of shame and vulnerability for years and overcame these factors by speaking in numerous TED Talks and candid discussions with world leaders.
She has also established her own 4 definitions of perfectionism. Here’s how these can easily be applied to writers:
1. A self-destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought
The thought of “If I look perfect and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of blame, judgement, and shame” immediately comes to mind. What’s wrong with this way of thinking? It sets us up for a nasty surprise when we’ve somehow managed to miss a deadline and have an angry (or worse, “disappointed”) client on the other end of the line.
2. An unattainable goal
No matter how hard you type away and tell yourself you will create the “perfect” piece of writing, it’s not going to happen. Why? Because it doesn’t exist. When our perception of ourselves is set at “nothing will ever be good enough, I must keep working”, then that’s what will become of you. And despite how much time and energy you spend on proving yourself wrong, you’ll never feel satisfied.
3. It actually sets us up to feel shame, judgement and blame, which then leads to more shame, judgement and blame
“It’s my fault. I’m feeling this way because I’m not good enough.” Holding ourselves to such high standards and not allowing any room for error ultimately sets us up to feel incredibly low when we don’t match up to them. This can — and oftentimes does — feeds our own self-criticising feedback loops.
4. An addiction
When we invariably do experience shame, judgement and blame, we often believe it’s because we weren’t perfect enough. Rather than questioning the faulty logic of perfectionism, we become even more entrenched in our quest to look and do everything just right. We stay up to write later, we forget to eat, bathe, go outside, and meet our friends. We become addicted to improving our craft, day and night, in order to meet those exceedingly high expectations that only we have put on ourselves.
Now here’s how to flip them on their heads
As much as we have the power to think as destructively as this, we have the power to shift our desire to earn approval from others and start taking actionable steps toward becoming the versions of ourselves we aspire — and deserve — to be. As writers and as human beings.
Here’s how I’m gradually learning to apply this, and how you can too:
1. Promote yourself to the Editor of your own life story
Rather than be confined to taking the back seat and watching your life unfold through the eyes of a harsh onlooker, try adapting psychiatrist and Harvard Medical School professor, John Sharp’s techniques. By listening to your own inner dialogue, you will likely be able to identify self-destructive and self-deprecating narratives and re-write them into something self-serving and self-appreciating.
2. Set yourself up to achieve attainable goals
By doing this, you’ll actively focus on the parts of your life you can control. Think about what is in your wheelhouse. What do you wish to achieve within the next week, month, quarter, year, or even 5 years? How do you feel you can make your own way there? Soon, your desire to become your perception of ‘perfect’ will be replaced with a list of actionable goals and a greater sense of purpose.
3. Take time to reflect and question your logic
Susan David, PhD, is the visionary who developed the concept of Emotional Agility. It’s founded on the belief that by building awareness of our own and others’ emotional nature, learning to face feelings and unhooking ourselves from thoughts that hinder us, we are able to change our actions to match our values. Without being able to immerse yourself in this process, however long it takes, you may be doomed to remain locked in the delusion that you aren’t achieving certain goals because you aren’t “perfect” enough.
4. Celebrate small wins
Just like the minutes we choose to waste thinking about all the things we don’t have to add up, so too do small wins. The more we notice them as milestones rather than insignificant occurrences we have to struggle through, the more we can realise just how much we actually do succeed.
Final thoughts
The main thing I’ve learned as a (still struggling) freelance writer is that it sometimes pays for something to be “done” rather than “perfect”.
Because “perfect” is the polar opposite of “done”.
We want to be remembered for the work we do. And we want to be remembered positively for it. When this want also becomes the need that earns your daily bread, obsession creeps in.
It allows us to feel like nothing we do is good enough… “yet”. It’s important to remember that as well as writers, we are humans… with lives. We can all benefit from taking pauses to reflect on them.
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