Summary

The article humorously outlines a three-step method for turning unsolicited dick pics on Tinder into a means of ensuring one's lasting memory by creating a metaphorical Horcrux.

Abstract

The satirical piece "How to Find Your Next Horcrux on Tinder" provides a tongue-in-cheek guide for dealing with the less savory aspects of online dating, such as ghosting, cheating, and unsolicited explicit photos. It suggests that women should respond to such photos with exaggerated enthusiasm, have the image screen printed on a hoodie, and then ghost the sender. The article posits that this will cause the man to obsess over the woman, effectively making his thoughts of her akin to a Horcrux, a dark magical object used to attain immortality in the Harry Potter series. The author encourages readers to embrace this approach globally using Tinder Passport, suggesting that the financial investment in customizing a hoodie is worth the potential for immortal remembrance.

Opinions

The author views the common frustrations of online dating, such as unsolicited explicit photos, as opportunities for empowerment and humorous retaliation.
There is a clear satirical tone, indicating that the author does not condone the creation of actual Horcruxes, which are associated with dark magic and murder in the Harry Potter universe.
The article implies that men who send unsolicited explicit photos are seeking validation and that by manipulating this desire, women can turn the situation to their advantage.
The piece suggests that by causing a man to obsess over a woman, she can achieve a form of immortality through his persistent thoughts

How to Find Your Next Horcrux on Tinder

Making Dick Pics Work for You in 3 Easy Steps

Dating is nearly impossible these days — you have a great connection with a man and all of sudden he disappears. Or you do your detective work and find out he’s married.

Better yet — sUrpRiSe! 📦 Check out my genitalia😵 … like it’s Christmas 🎄morning.

But rather than sulk about 👻ghosting, cheating, men who want pen pals, and unsolicited dick pics, let’s discuss how you can make the most out of your horny matches.

Because if you are going to be single, why not be single and🧝immortal?

Everyone knows that the best way to live ️forever is to be remembered, right? The more people obsessed with you the better.

Come with me, 🧜🏽‍♀️goddess, and I’ll show you how to turn your Tinder profile into a literal Horcrux hunter in three easy steps:

🍆 Receive every unsolicited dick pic as if it were a bouquet of a dozen roses. Tell him wow, that is the most beautiful ding dong I have ever seen in my life. I’m truly grateful you have chosen me to receive this sacred image of the divine masculine.

🍆 Have it screen printed on an XXL hoodie. Send a selfie of you wearing that hoodie proudly with a messy bun, a kissy face, and a peace sign.

He’ll go nuts!!! ……… Literally, nuts.

🍆 Ghost him. This poor man will forever wonder what happened to the woman who celebrated his manhood with such unbridled enthusiasm that she uploaded his penis to Vistaprint.

I bet she drinks her coffee out of a customized dick mug 🤔 are his thoughts. He can’t even function at work because you are the one that got away.

Hopefully, he took a screenshot of your sexiest photos — and you wearing the dick hoodie — because this 😵‍💫voodoo only works if he has content.

Where is the🔮magic in this you ask?

It’s like the law of attraction, except more like the law of rejection. Every time he busts a nut, he will think of YOU ... (in that dick hoodie).

✨Thoughts are energy. ✨Energy is consciousness. ✨Consciousness is…

…LISTEN, my clever, conniving, little 🐛caterpillar: YOU VIRTUALLY TURNED HIS BALLS INTO A HORCRUX !!!!!!

(Sorta-kinda-almost.)

His jizz💦 will be infused with your essence. And you didn’t even have to murder anyone.

How many Horcruxes should you make?

As many as you can. Spread your seed, gurlie!!!

It’s worth the $24.99 + shipping to customize a hoodie. And I’m shhhuuurrre you can get the guys to🤑Venmo you.

Furthermore, I recommend subscribing to Tinder Passport so you can inhabit the scrotums of men around the🌎world.

Even if you die — which I promise you can’t because you’re immortal now — at least there will be a man out there somewhere cranking one out in the shower, 🥴thinking of you, with his wife in the other room.

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Header image by Карина Каржавина on Pexels