LIFE

How to Find the Magic Advantages of Death on Your Doorstep

My priorities are crystal clear now

“Why are you so happy? You have cancer!” I hear it all the time now. People seem to want me to be sad. A victim. An ill person. A sorry excuse for a human being.

Well, sorry folks, I’m not.

Yes, I have breast cancer. Yes, I’m going through heavy chemotherapy that makes me physically very ill. And yes, I went into my bubble for a few months to deal with my emotional changes. My grief. I’m currently staring my personal mortality in the face.

But now, after a few months of quiet, my world is expanding again.

It’s logical. These are the rhythms of nature. Going into my bubble. Making everything small and slow. Reflection on life. And then coming out of my bubble again into an expanding world.

After all, I’m not dead yet…

And if it’s up to me, I’ll live my life with cancer as a chronic disease. Another 20 years? Yes… that’s doable for me… why not?

My friends who live their lives in the rhythms of natural cycles will understand what I mean. This is living my best life without forcing anything. Living in the now. Life is life until it is death. That’s the reality for all of us.

We all know death will come sooner or later. And life becomes extra precious because everything is temporary.

This is life how life is meant to be. Full of meaning, cycles, reciprocity, and synchronicity. Full of magic appearing out of seemingly nowhere. Full of healing cycles and huge insights. And connections with people, other living beings, the planet, and the universe.

Now that I get the hang of living like this, with the natural, planetary cycles, my life is marvelous! An adventure every day! Every hour! Every minute!

So, how can YOU experience the advantages of a severe illness or another lemon that life serves you? Can you do what I do? Love life anyway?

Of course, you can! Every house has a cross to bear. Life is never just roses. Roses do have thorns. And it’s surrendering to your life’s reality that makes all the difference.

Surrender isn’t weak. It’s the strongest thing we can do as human beings.

Death on my doorstep makes me even more aware of life

Crystal Clear Priorities

The biggest advantage of death on my doorstep is that my priorities have become crystal clear. I stopped pleasing others and focus now solely on my own best life and my connections to my loved ones.

Do you know the book “The Top Five Regrets of the Dying” by Bronnie Ware? People never regret that they didn’t work harder. Or that they didn’t earn more money. They just regret that they didn’t do more of what they wanted to do. They regret pleasing others. They regret not spending enough time with children or other loved ones.

In short: when you look your own mortality in the face, you know what’s important. You stop running after unimportant gains. And start reflecting deeply. And whatever short or long time you still have left, you’ll spend meaningfully. In your own, personal best way.

If that isn’t the biggest gift of living with death on your doorstep, I don’t know what is.

How to Stop Pleasing

I’ve been a pleaser all my life. Ms. Pleasing I was. Always ready for everybody. Always trying to be the good girl. Always conforming and smiling even when things weren’t funny at all.

And then, in 2013, something changed in me. Changed in my life. Call it my first wake-up call. I started sensing my priorities. And I learned how to balance my time, freedom, and money. And I stopped pleasing.

I’m still kind. But I’m no longer dancing to another person’s music.

As far as friends and spending time on things that are really important to me were concerned, I made a huge drawing and plastered it on the wall.

I’m in the middle of the drawing.

My life. My choices.

I drew circles around me. Several layers. And I put all my loved ones, family, friends, acquaintances, and activities like work and other time-consuming stuff into the drawing.

It became a picture of my life. My real time-spending.

And then I started shifting everyone around me. How close do I want people to be? Do I spend enough time with certain people? On certain activities. Too little time? Or too much time?

Do I always need to see them in person or can I keep the connection in other ways? Who do I call? Calls cost time. Who do I spend live time with? What gives me real joy?

It was an enlightening experience I now repeat every half year.

Because my relationships and my needs change. Everything is temporary. Also my need for certain people or certain experiences in my life. And yes, I mean MY needs. So many people want something from me. But they always cater to their needs. Their feelings of wanting to be close to me. Or help me. Or be a social person.

Some of these people in my life were drama people. And I don’t have the patience for drama anymore. So, they can ask me to kindly to be part of their lives.

And I’m allowed to say no. It’s MY best life after all.

Surrender isn’t weak. It’s the strongest thing you can do as a human being

Making Me Free

Now that I have cancer, my next step in making myself free has arrived. I really don’t have the energy for people who want to be close to me and ‘help’ me if I don’t want or need their help.

Their activities are often more about them feeling helpful and social and loving than about me needing their closeness.

I’m clear in my communication with them. I have nothing to offer them right now. I need to save my energy for dealing with myself. And I also don’t want them to offer anything to me if I don’t have the energy for receiving it gracefully.

Receiving takes energy too.

It might sound harsh. But I do need my time for Mike. And my 87-year-old mum in whose house we live now. And Mike’s daughters and grandsons. They all suffer hardest with me. I made my life small. Focused on the really most important connections.

ME (I need lots of time alone) and my loved ones. They have everything I have except my physical chemo discomfort.

Their pain might be even more frustrating. They have the emotional pain and the feeling of complete powerlessness. I need to be there for them too. I want to give my limited energy to them.

Not to my other friends who want to ‘help’ right now. As lovingly as they offer it to me. I still say no.

Death on my doorstep makes me realize so well that I have to choose what to spend my time on. If I do this, I can’t do that. I can’t have it all…

Luckily, most friends understand. Some don’t. I can’t be bothered. Sorry. I’m not here to fix their lives. I’m here to make choices in mine.

Learning Lessons

And so I learn my lessons in life. Life’s a journey. And I’m enjoying every step of it! Deepening my relationships. Loving my nature connection which needs time. I find my strength in my own inner core.

And magically, synchronicity is running overtime. I see all the puzzle pieces of my life emerging in front of my feet. I just know what to do next. What to heal. How to heal. But that’s for another story…

My intuition is very sharp now. Also because I slowed down I guess. I have always written to understand life. It’s how my brain and my body work. I go deep into my subconscious at night to get very valuable insights the next morning. And then I write.

Death on my doorstep makes me very aware of life.

How about you?

Thank you, Mike, for adding your wise energy to my words on Abundanism. Systemic Design for a good future, and Wild Writing. © Désirée Driesenaar, 2022