How to filter your self-help advice

Not all self-help content is created equal. This is how to tell what advice is helpful and what isn’t.

by: E.B. Johnson

As it’s the start of a new year, we’re seeing a boom in self-help content all over the place. While we might normally consider this craze in self-improvement a good thing, that’s not always the case. Not all self-help content is created equal, and some of it can actually enforce dangerous or half-cocked notions that further undermine our happiness. It’s important to know the difference between good self-help and bad self-help, but that requires increasing our own understanding of a tricky topic.

Not all self-help content is helpful.

We’re living through tough times, which makes it only natural that we should want to improve ourselves and our living conditions. Many of us have turned to self-help in these turbulent days in order to enhance our understanding of self and the skills we have to offer. Not all self-help content is helpful, though. As a matter of fact, some of it is quite toxic and harmful to the improvements we’re striving to make.

Before you engage with just any self-help content, it’s important that you ensure it meets some core criteria. Any kind of solid, factual personal help advice should enhance our understanding of self and help us to come up with a plan of action in order to address it.

Stop investing your time and energy into content and writers who point out all your problems without giving you any actionable courses of correcting them. Trust only that which is fact-based and evidence backed. Self-help is a delicate and nuanced topic, because it touches on your mental health and so many other aspects of your life. Be careful about what you take in and ensure that you’re getting the right advice crafted with the right intention.

Signs of bad self-help advice.

If you’ve taken a deep dive into self-help to kick-start your year, you need to be aware of the quality of what you’re engaging with. Some self-help content is toxic, and it reinforces unhealthy standards and practices which further undermines our happiness. Know the signs of self-help advice so you can rebuild yourself on quality, reality-based information.

Zero accountability

Does the self-help you lean toward teach personal accountability? The state of your life is no one else’s fault. Outside influences like pandemic and government aside, we are the ones who choose how we’re going to feel. We choose how we’re going to lead our lives, and how we’re going to address our problems. Bad self-help doesn’t recognize this. It teaches you to blame other people for the fires you should be putting out yourself.

Sexism abounds

Self-help these days is rife with sexist advice which does little address real issues and everything to keep people chained to unhelpful hetero-normative stereotypes. The “men are from Mars” narrative is nonsense. When it comes down to it, we’re all humans and we want very similar things from our lives and our relationships. Rather than pretending that’s a male vs. female issue, we need to tap into our deeper humanity.

No realism

Self-help should always be reality based and should speak to the audience it’s written for. If the self-help you read asks you to make unrealistic demands of self or others around you, it isn’t really that helpful. Telling you to take an expensive trip, or seek expensive holistic treatments (rather than encouraging you to find small ways in which to improve your mental health and your life) is reckless and not accessible for most people earning a living wage.

Financial demands

Like it or not, self-help content that just operates as a giant promo is toxic and rarely helpful. When the content becomes an advertisement for the writer’s book, podcast, course, or counseling services, there’s a good chance that the intentions of the piece are more aligned to the writer’s own personal gain. While it’s certainly acceptable to promote helpful content, using your “self-help” as a means of primary promotion takes advantage of vulnerable people.

Pulling at strings

There’s a lot of bad self-help out there in this world, and some of the worst of it doesn’t help us identify problems at all. Instead, it centers around pulling at emotional heartstrings to offer shallow, partially thought-through advice (like advising you to go outside for a walk when you’re dealing with the complexities of self-harm.) This kind of self-help is the Negative Nancy of the genre. It points out tons of problems makes you feel awful, then does nothing to help you feel better.

Dismissing medical care

Any self-help that dismisses or devalues proper mental and physical care is dangerous. Sometimes, our thoughts alone aren’t enough to turn the tide of our lives. When we’re really struggling, we should always seek the help of an expert or professional who can fully examine us and ensure we’re getting the care we need. Sometimes, therapy and medical care is a part of our personal accountability and our path to finding wholeness.

How to identify solid self-help advice.

Knowing the signs of bad self-help advice is a great starting place, but there are some other questions you should ask yourself before getting invested too deeply. Look for concrete steps, realistic content, and something which increases your understanding. From there, you’ll be on a solid base to begin engaging and reworking your life.

1. Are there concrete steps to follow?

The first question you need to consider is one of the easiest to identify upfront. When getting into any “self-help” content, it’s important that you look for something that provides concrete examples of action you can take. It’s not enough to simply identify a problem, good advice helps us work through that problem.

Are you listening to someone who is trying to show you a better way to do something? Or are you simply having your heartstrings pulled by someone who’s pointing out common human flaws? Bringing up the negative with no positive resolution isn’t helpful…it’s just negative.

Always question the actionable steps and question whether or not the person you’re listening to is trying to help, or trying to get attention of their own. There’s a big difference in intention there, and we should always seek to follow the better intentions. Look for actionable ways to improve your situation. Don’t simply identify the problem and walk away.

2. What is this asking of me?

The second question you always have to ask when it comes to self-help is, “What is this advice asking of me?” Good self-help is based in reality, and it doesn’t ask us to overhaul our lives with big expensive gestures or afternoon spa retreats. Beyond that, good self-help also shouldn’t pull at your pockets or work as a glorified advert.

Truly helpful self-help asks you to look within and take responsibility for the state of your own life. It also asks that you look for the smallest and most accessible forms of change first — before making major investments or taking dramatic action.

The advice you lean into shouldn’t blame other people, or cast doubt on your authenticity as a person. It should encourage you to step up to the plate for yourself and make incremental changes that build up to major transformation over time. After all, you didn’t get where you are in life over night. You won’t get back to happiness that way either. One step at a time. The future is yours.

3. Does this increase my understanding?

We exist on an internet that is becoming increasing “listicized”. Listicles are everywhere, and it seems that more and more of the information we ingest comes in this format (even this article). That shouldn’t take away from the value of the self-help advice we’re receiving, though. It should still increase your understanding of an issue or topic.

Always question whether the advice you’re taking actually helps you to see your situation in a broader light. It shouldn’t just identify a problem or leave you hanging. It should expand your understanding of that topic and the way in which you see it within yourself or others.

Does the advice go beyond explaining the problem at a surface level? Does it describe where the problem comes from? How those issues manifest in your personal life or your relationships? There are so many branches on the self-help tree, and one limb automatically leads to the other. Good advice helps you to see the full spread of the tree above and below you; not just the trunk.

4. Is it big picture focused?

That nature of high quality self-help is always big-picture focused and future-facing, forward-centric. You have to question all the self-help advice you rely on and ensure that it’s considering the bigger picture as it advises you on action you can take. Without considering the full scope of the future, we can find ourselves falling into actions and patterns which only have a superficial effect our lives.

Is your self-help asking you to consider the present moment against the full scope of the future? We have to be in the moment, but we also have to make sure we are choosing the actions that align with the future we are trying to build.

Never stop considering the big picture. Don’t settle for a “right now” relationship when you know what you want is to build a family and a life with someone stable. Don’t take a job that can’t provide you a stepping stone in some way to the right project for you (be that financially or through opportunity). Stay focused on the big picture and ensure that the self-help you take on board does the same.

5. Is it fact-based and reality-reliant?

Self-help that isn’t based in reality or fact is not very helpful at all. We live in the real world, and we need our advice to do the same. Likewise, we need to know that the information we’re absorbing is scientifically backed and based in fact. Touching on someone’s mental and emotional health is a major responsibility, and it’s one that should only be handled by the knowledgeable and experienced.

Look at the self-help advice you’re relying on. Does it provide you with evidence of fact-based research? Is it relying on principles that have been proven in psychology, or techniques and information that is respected?

There’s a difference between someone who is producing content that’s useful and relevant, and there’s a difference again when something is cheap and ill-informed. Avoid emotional advice that only seeks to make you feel worse about your situation or who you are. If it doesn’t give you fact-based hope, then it’s not as helpful as it promised to be.

Putting it all together…

It’s that time of the year when self-help content booms across the internet. Not all of this advice is good advice, though. Sometimes, the “self-help” articles we engage with are more harmful than helpful. It’s important that you know the different between genuinely authentic advice and shallow swill that’s setup for heartstrings and click-bait. Don’t lean too heavily into that self-help article until you ask yourself some important questions.

First, consider whether the advice you’re reading offers concrete steps to follow in order to improve your issue or not. The advice you’re getting is of little help if it only points out a problem and then leaves you alone with it. Self-help should help us. It should also increase your understanding and ask for things that you can realistically provide to yourself. You don’t need to spend thousands on massages, or take grand trips. You need to get time to yourself to re-engage with the things that make you happy. Look too for advice that is big picture focused. Making shallow, short-term decisions won’t help you get where you want to be. Is the self-help content you’re reading fact-based and reality reliant? Avoid sexist and poorly organized advice that leaves you with more questions than you arrived with.