How to Fight Internalized Transphobia
The monster inside us can be tamed
UPDATE 2023: I wrote all these essays back when I was immersed in trans ideology. I detransitioned and I’ve changed my mind about many things. https://youtube.com/@RayAlexWilliams?si=JIEdBcopAIxOPtEW
Transphobia is a foul beast but there is another monster, one that lives inside us, and that is internalized transphobia. It’s that thought inside you that tells you, “You’re not a real woman” or “You’re not valid.” It tells you that you’re ugly, that you’re not worthy of love. It tells you that the world is right to think you’re disgusting.
True, internalized transphobia is often fueled by transphobia itself. So many young trans people read the hateful screeds of TERFs or happen-upon the comments section of any internet article about trans people and internalize that hatred within themselves. They take the hate of society and bury it deep inside themselves, where it festers and rots from the inside-out. This can lead to feelings of worthlessness, and in the worst case, suicidal ideation, which is exactly why TERF rhetoric is not just harmless inquiry into the metaphysics of gender.
If you have a “successful” transition on the outside, you might pass as your gender to the world around you while still struggling to fight the demons within. This is why internalized transphobia is the hardest battle. It can be years after transition and you’re still fighting those voices in your head, the voices that tell us why we’re frauds, the voices that tell us we’re just wearing costumes.
But these demons can be battled, and they can be defeated. Some might be lucky enough to not have such demons inside themselves. But for others, knowing how to fight them is an important part of surviving in a transphobic society. Because when you are confident in your own identity, the hatred of society becomes easier to withstand. You can stand regally against all the discrimination knowing that these ignorant, hateful people don’t know the real you. But when you don’t even know yourself, you are at risk of being twisted by society into a small, frightful person, someone who is scared of themselves and then ultimately of everything else.
And thus the first step in combating internalized transphobia is self-knowledge. And I don’t even necessarily mean to imply we should have certainty in regard to our own identities or that this process has an ultimately static end-point. It’s OK to have an identity that fluctuates over time. It’s OK to waver in your own self-knowledge. But self-knowledge is a step in the right direction and it comes down to introspection about our deepest desires. What pronouns do we like? How do we want to express ourselves? How do we feel about our bodies? How do we want to be seen by others? Fighting internalized transphobia requires a continual process of introspection to answer these questions. This is what makes trans people particularly reflective when it comes to gender. The cis world isn’t going to answer these questions for us with their arbitrary gender assignments so we have to do it ourselves.
The second step in fighting internalized transphobia is understanding the arbitrary nature of cis normativity. Cis normativity is the idea that cis-ness is normal and being trans is freakish. And not just in a statistical sense. Clearly trans people will always be a statistical minority. But fighting cis normativity involves the idea that being trans is a normal part of human variation, like being red headed or having freckles. It’s simply another way to exist that is just as valid as being cis. If we lived in a perfect society, all the negatives of being trans such as dysphoria would be nullified by affirmative therapies and we’d be able to exist without the discrimination of society teaching us to hate ourselves and causing numerous mental health problems.
In order to fight cis normativity, it can be helpful to surround yourself with other trans humans, to soak in the beauty of the trans experience, to learn from elders who have been traveling this path for many years, who have learned to love themselves, who have fought their inner demons and won. Trans elders exist as possibility models for those trans people who struggle with the question, “Is this normal?” Yes! You are normal. Your feelings are valid. You might be a rare specimen but that doesn’t make you any less beautiful.
When we understand the roots of cis normativity, we can take solace in the beauty of trans lives. Colonizing powers have erased so much trans history they have made it such that we have come to believe the lie that trans people are a recent fad. But trans history is both long and beautiful. We have always existed. Remember that. Internalize that. We have been shamans and magical people. Spiritual. Powerful. Respected. Trans humans exist in the liminal space between here and there, having made an internal journey that challenges the most powerful norms of society. There is great strength in that journey. Learn from it. Internalize it. It will be useful to fight those internal demons.
Internalized transphobia is a powerful monster indeed. I still struggle to fight my own demons. But the negative voices have become dimmer. Part of this is just the passage of time. The voices are particularly strong in the beginning. But it gets better. Your soul becomes stronger. Your mind begins to match your soul. And know you are not alone. Many trans humans have fought this battle and continue to fight alongside you. Godspeed beautiful trans warrior.