Summary

The article provides satirical advice on how to ensure a small business fails by engaging in poor financial management, fostering a toxic work environment, and avoiding growth and learning.

Abstract

In a tongue-in-cheek approach, the author outlines a comprehensive guide on how to orchestrate the failure of a small business. This includes spending frivolously on non-essential items, depleting all funding options early on, accumulating high levels of debt, maintaining excessive overhead costs, letting ego dictate decisions, creating a hostile work environment, being afraid to scale the business, conducting ineffective marketing, making impulsive decisions, being dishonest, and resisting personal growth and learning. The author emphasizes that these actions can lead to a swift and certain business failure, suggesting that some individuals might paradoxically seek such an outcome.

Opinions

The author uses sarcasm to underscore the importance of sensible financial management, suggesting that spending on unnecessary luxuries and high overhead costs is a path to failure.
A lack of funding and resources is presented as a deliberate choice that can accelerate a business's downfall, implying that mismanagement of capital is a key factor in business failure.
Ego is highlighted as a significant personal trait that can contribute to poor decision-making and ultimately lead to business failure.
Creating a toxic work environment is seen as a surefire way to increase employee turnover and damage the business from within.
The author mocks the fear of scaling, implying that a reluctance to grow is equivalent to a death wish for a small business.
Marketing activities are deemed worthless if not aligned with the business's needs, suggesting that misguided marketing efforts can be detrimental.
Impuls

How To Fail Your Small Business

Why not? Because who wouldn't want to fail, right?

Don’t you crave failure? Adding another negative experience to your portfolio can be seen as unlocking another achievement in your professional endeavors, thus leveling you up.

Now, without further ado, I am sharing a wealth of knowledge on failing your small business.

Poor Financial Management

The top tip is to spend money senselessly on decorating the facility. Items like book racks and fancy luncheons are a must because you’re now a business owner. Oh, and what about fancy Apple gadgets for your business and yourself? Because that is the holy grail for business success. You just have to make sure that no money is spent on productive activities that can generate cash for you.

2. Lack of Funding and Resources

Make sure you have no funding options available to you by exhausting them all at the beginning of the business. This way, you would be able to have the exhilarating experience of having nowhere to seek the funds, thus leaving no way out of the failure.

3. Higher Debt

You need to increase it to the point that even 5 years are not enough to clear your credit history. Yes, I am talking about debt. The more you increase, the better the chances are that your profile will be marked red for enjoying other people’s money for excessive and short-term pleasure.

4. Higher overhead costs

Since your vision is big, it is essential that it be run in a big place that needs to have higher fixed and variable costs. Otherwise, there might be a chance that your business will survive with fewer overhead costs and, God forbid, will become successful.

5. Ego

This one is my personal favorite. Just keep it at the foundation of each breath and each step that you take. Ego will not only keep your morale and respect up, but the chances of your business failing will increase manyfold.

6. Toxic Work Environment

Once your business has started, it is vital to have a toxic work environment. You will see how quickly the employee turnover goes up. All you have to do is find fault in them, always watch them like your life depends on it, never let go of any mistake by the newly hired, and shout and scream at them to tell them that you are the boss and they are bloody employees, disrespect them, never pay them, and lastly, keep telling them how generous you are for letting them work for you.

7. Scared to scale

Be a timid rat who would keep in a hide and die rather than go outside and take a leap of faith to scale the business. Because the recipe for failure is to never grow, if the opportunity is knocking at your door, ask the builder to please add at least five more doors so you don’t hear the knock. It is the way to achieve the ultimate failure.

8. Lack of marketing activities

Marketing sucks. Yes, you heard me right, because failure can reap the opposite results. Ok, if you are so keen on doing marketing, then do what your business does not need. This way, you will not only waste money but also fulfill the desire to have marketing activities done for your business. So it was a fail-fail situation.

9. Impulsive decision-making

Hear me out carefully now, pour out all your anxieties and stresses during day-to-day situations, and always make decisions in haste. Always keep your mind occupied with preconceptions and insecurities; they help you make terrible decisions that are directly linked to a failed business.

10. Dishonesty

Another winner on the list As long as you keep lying, faking, and saying the opposite of what you mean, you are a winner, because this is how you can fail effectively and efficiently. Your business’s stakeholders crave lies, fraud, and false payment promises. So just fulfill their ultimate desires. Dishonesty surely and steadily fails the business and your standing as a businessperson in the market.

11. Never Learn or Grow

In order to remain a failure, just pay attention to this last point. Never learn a lesson from any of your actions and experiences. Otherwise, you might be able to follow the righteous path of success, which is an abomination. Hail Failure is the only way to go in life. So ignore anything that has anything to do with stupid learning, lessons, or personal growth.

So this is enough wisdom for today, so I would like to conclude here with a few final golden words.

Not everyone wants to be successful because the real deal is when you achieve failure, and my tips can surely make you a serial failure in the realm of business. I would re-iterate not settling for success when you have alternatives as fulfilling as failure. The real fun is short-lived leisure and ultimate failure.

Embrace Failure!

Cheers y’all…

I have accomplished over 12 years of professional career after completing my MBA with a dissertation in Brand Management. I am a published author in renowned ISI-indexed journals.

You can follow me on Instagram, where I share snippets of my thoughts and perspectives! You can connect with me on my linkedin to know more about my professional side.