You can learn how to fail upward too
Failure doesn’t have to be a backward movement. Learn how to use your mistakes to build your future.
by: E.B. Johnson
No matter who you are, you’ve experienced failure at some point in your life. We can experience failure in our expectations, our goals and even our romantic lives. It’s a permeating sort of defeat that runs deep and strong, and it can happen to anyone at any point or stage of their lives or careers. The trick in mastering it is learning how to use our failure to pivot ourselves to the top, however — a trick that takes time and some self-mastery to perfect.
When we understand failure and all the fears we have around it, we can zero in on the things we actually want and create catalysts that help us to move toward those things. Rather than being a ground-zero for all the bad and miserable things in our lives, failure can actually be a great cause of good and opportunity in our lives…when we know the correct way to look at it.
Failing upward: What it really means.
Though we often think of “failing upwards” as something that only exceptionally privileged white men get to do, it’s a subtle art that can be mastered by us all when we understand the secrets. Moving through this life running into walls is often a sign that we’re setting our mindset up that way. Focusing on developing a growth mindset is one of the greatest and most transformative skills we can gain in this life, and it’s one that takes a great deal of centering and radical self-acceptance.
To have a growth mindset, you must embrace every single circumstance as an opportunity to grow, and you have to shift the way you look at life (and your place in it) dramatically. Develop a growth mindset and use it to take yourself to the next level. Rather than looking at everything as an end-all, be-all disappointment, see it as an opportunity to learn and make it silver lining and lifeline to your growth. When we develop a growth mindset, there’s no such thing as “hitting a wall”. There’s only finding the key to another new door.
Get creative about looking at the negative experiences in your life that might otherwise undo you. Find the aspects of those experiences and situations that made you better; look for the things that made you push harder. Learning how to fail upward is like unlocking the secrets of the universe. Seeing everything as an opportunity allows you to stop seeing it as an obstacle. It’s a powerful state of being and one with some truly transformative powers when we learn how to see them for what they are.
How we improve through failure.
A growth mindset isn’t as simple as seeing things with a silver lining. To truly shift the way you perceive hardship and failure (be it in work or in your personal life) you have to dramatically shift the way you see others, the way you perceive your circumstances, and the way you envision yourself.
Seeing others differently
When we shift the way we see our failures, we shift the way we see not only ourselves, but all other facets of our environment and circumstances. Once you’ve made the decision to see things as a learning opportunity, you have to accompany that decision with a shift in the way you see and interact with those around you. This means dropping the idea that they’re all out to get you, and embracing the idea that they’re just people — as broken and searching as you are.
Seeing yourself differently
Perhaps the biggest change that’s required in developing a growth mindset is that of learning how to see yourself in a whole new light. Failure is hard, and when we don’t manage to score the things we want, it can really eat away at our sense of self. We internalize feelings like guilt and shame and isolate ourselves in a haze of misery and disappointment. Getting past this means learning to brush those failures off, and see them as no more a part of you than the bee that stings you and flies away, unaware.
Seeing circumstances differently
To truly shift the way we see our failures, we don’t just have to see others differently. We have to learn to look at our own circumstances in a whole new light. Rather than seeing everything as negative, bad or life-ruining, we have to learn to look for the silver lining in the things that don’t go our way. Only when we can learn to flip the “bads” can we turn them into “goods” and start failing our way right to the top.
Failing upward can change your opportunities (for the better).
Failing upwards with a growth mindset is something that we often think of in terms of the workplace, so it’s important to consider those examples when we’re trying to figure out what we want to do, or how we want to do it. These examples can be applied in other facets of our lives too, however, and further empower us to transform the way we think about our failures.
Wrong turns
No matter what our parents might have told us about “forever jobs” and staying faithful to “the man”, the modern workforce is one that is ever-changing and faster-moving than ever before. People change jobs all the time, and not all of those changes are for the best. Sometimes, you have to pivot into something different, but that something different isn’t always pleasant or a great fit. When you find yourself in a new, miserable job, figure out how to leverage it into the jumping board of your next opportunity. It’s often the push you need to finally start going after the things in this life that actually suit you.
Losing the opportunity
Imagine that your boss just passed you over for the big promotion. Now, imagine that the person who did get it is a complete moron. Sound familiar? Getting the pass for less capable people happens all the time and, for many of us, we let that become an impediment to the future we want. This kind of slight, however, can often be the catalyst you need to come up with a new strategy of attack — one that lets you position yourself into the pilot’s seat, and into a place that is better suited for your skills and your needs. That requires looking at the big picture, though, and seeking candid feedback as soon as the dust has settled.
Missing the pitch
Let’s say you scored a big pitch at work. You stayed up late for weeks, preparing the perfect presentation — but in the end? It doesn’t work out. Rather than letting this one failed moment define your entire career, you have to use it like the pilot light by which you engage the fury of your passions. Look at everything you did right, then consider all the other small things you would change. Find the middle ground and imagine how you’ll switch things up the next time around. That’s called a lesson, and it empowers you to better navigate similar situations in the future.
The best ways to cultivate a growth mindset.
If you’re tired of slipping down the ladder of life, then the good news is that you can learn how to fail upwards by cultivating a growth mindset in your life. This isn’t something that’s easy or an overnight process, but it is something that has transformative benefits for our lives and careers. Start turning your disappointments into doorways and tear down the walls that are keeping you stuck and frustrated.
1. Be okay with imperfection
The first step in letting go of your inner mean girl is to start accepting the mistakes that you make. As humans, we have this delusional idea that we are somehow omnipotent — in control of every aspect of our environments, and masters of everything the light touches. That’s not how life works, however. Bad things happen and we make poor choices. We’re imperfect. That’s life, and the first step in being kinder to ourselves is embracing that imperfection with reckless abandon.
Take a step back to look at your past failures. Think back to when you were a kid and you made a mistake that you thought would mean “forever”. Consider that mistake now. Do you even remember it clearly? Does it make you laugh? Now compare it against those emotions you felt in that moment as a child — that intensity. See how drastically things have changed and realize that everything will change again. Nothing in this life is permanent, including failure. It’s a stopover on a big journey, it’s not the final destination. Unless you make it one.
We screw up. We let people down. We let ourselves down. Bad things happen. We are never in possession of all the facts, so it’s impossible to get it right every single time. We are always learning, always growing, and that’s what really matters. Rather than seeing failure as an all-encompassing state, we have to see it as the passing experience that it is 99.9% of the time. Everyone has failed at some point in their lives. The odds are in your favor. You get past it when you see it as an opportunity to reinvent, rather than the last stop on the downward slope. Open up your arms and accept all those mistakes. They aren’t forever. Learn from them and move on.
2. Know thyself
Knowing who you are — inside and out — is a superpower all on its own. When we know who we are, we know the depths of our strengths. We also know what we really want, and we can better see the pathways to those things. Despite all the time we spend with ourselves, however, we rarely spend time really digging into the meat of who we are and what we want. That’s why it’s crucial to do so when seeking to master the art of failing upward.
Take some time getting to know who you are — separate from the kids, or the job or the things you think should define you. Stand honestly and openly before yourself and shine light on all those parts you keep hidden. Who are you really? If you can’t answer that, you can’t set the course. Perform a self-exam and get to know who the real you is. Get yourself alone in a safe and quiet space, then take some time to look within. Close your eyes, and let your thoughts come to your freely and unabashedly as they are with none of the “societal filters” we often apply in our normal day-to-day circumstances.
Consider your passions, the things you do well, and the things you don’t do so well. Think about all the times you succeed, thanks to your own merits, and think about all the times you failed and how that impacted you. Take the time to get to know (intimately) what your abilities and weaknesses are. It takes energy to get to know yourself, but it’s critical in order to secure your mental and physical wellbeing. Know yourself. Only by truly knowing who you are can you create a plan of action that allows you to turn your disappointments into the things that equal fulfillment.
3. Be more authentic
Only when we learn how to accept ourselves and the way we feel and react to the environment around us can we truly unlock the power of our authentic self-confidence. We all have our baggage and the experiences that define who we are in the moment, but that person is always changing. True happiness comes only when we learn how to accept ourselves as we are.
Let go of all the judgements and preconceived notions you have about yourself and others. Remind yourself that the only behavior within the realm of your control is your own, and own up to that behavior and the things that drove you to those points.Embrace who you are, and embrace what you really want. No one in this universe is the combination of things that you are. Love those things, and see the beauty in them and the purpose for their creation.
If there’s something you don’t like about yourself — make a plan to change it — but only after looking it boldly in the face and accepting it for what it is. Acceptance is the key to all change and understanding, but it is often the hardest hurdle to overcome. Only when we accept something that is within our nature can we dig into the meat of it and come up with a plan to change or transform it. Spend a few minutes each day practicing this radical self-acceptance, and look to build it into your regular routine.
4. Connect with your purpose
Having a sense of purpose is important, but that sense can become discombobulated and confused in the chaos of day-to-day life. Our sense of purpose — which differs from individual to individual — drives us and provides the compass by which we can direct our lives to happiness. When we lose that sense, however, it can make it easier to fail, fail and fail again…without every seeing the silver lining in every crack created along the way.
Find your sense of purpose, and do that be reconnecting with the things in your environment that inspire your passions, or inspire you to be brave. If you didn’t get that promotion you wanted, fine. Brush yourself off and look for something else you like to do more. Maybe this is the push you need to find something that’s a better fit.
Failing upwards isn’t about making sure you have a guy on the inside of upper management. It’s all about changing the way you think, so you can start changing your adversities into opportunities. There’s a lot of force in this universe, and so much of it is contained within our own force of will. If you’ve found yourself shut out, shut down, or up against a wall (or glass ceiling) that just won’t budge — find a new way out. Few things in this world are more creative than a cornered animal with a sense of purpose.
5. Let go of approval cravings
As humans, we’re programmed to be social creatures and that can often result in a compulsive need for approval or affection. The problem with this, however, is that the only true approval and affection we truly need is something that inherently exists within. It’s a gift that we have to craft ourselves, for ourselves — but that’s not always an easy thing to do.
Take an honest look at the things in your life that are causing you grief and heartbreak. Is that promotion really something you wanted? Or, was it something that felt as though you needed (be it out of a sense of responsibility or a desire to “fit in” with a certain crown). Honestly assess your walls, and honestly assess whether they truly align with your desires or someone else’s. If you’re seeking something that someone else wants for you, you’ll never be happy.
Detach yourself slowly from those things that are not aligned with your true desires, and slowly detach yourself from the opinions and criticism of others. At the end of the day, you’re the only one who will be standing there with yourself at the final finish line. You are the only one who will be there for every single tear, every single bruised knee, and a broken heart. Lean into loving yourself and use it to pull yourself away from the desperate and devastating effects of chasing things not meant for you.
6. Stop the criticism
Our inner critics are one of the number one causes of ongoing shame, fear of failure, and internalized guilt. When we allow our inner critic too much leeway, it can destroy our sense of self and our self-esteem in ways that make it easy for us to hate ourselves and therefore frozen in fear, loathing, and insecurity. By shifting the constant criticism out of our lives, we can grow in astounding ways and give ourselves the strength to move toward what suits us.
Ease-off that inner critic and develop new ways to deal with all the biting critiques. Learn how to avoid the triggers that set him or her off and try to cultivate positive responses to her negative outbursts. You can do this by reframing your own world views and getting to the root of the childhood traumas and heartbreaks that led to such a virulent inner voice.
Judging others is stupid, but judging yourself is especially pointless. We are all humans and we all make mistakes. The sooner you realize that (and accept it) the happier you’ll be. Whatever you achieve, someone will achieve better. However bad you did, someone will do worse. Take no notice of your inner critic and start living your life in line with what you know is your authentic truth. If you want something to be different make it different and start right now.
Putting it all together…
Failing upward is all about cultivating a growth mindset and learning how to find the opportunity in what we might otherwise have considered to be a traditionally bad situation. Whether we get denied that promotion we wanted, or just flat-out fail to deliver on the things we promised ourselves and others — there are opportunities lurking when we know how to spin the narrative. That takes creativity, however, and it takes knowing and loving yourself inside and out.
Embrace your imperfections and understand that failure and mistakes are a natural part of the human experience. Though we like to think we have it all under control, nothing could be further from the truth. Let go of your need to pull all the strings, and lean into paying attention to yourself and the opportunities that are all around you. When we drop our need for approval and learn to be authentically ourselves, we can find our way back to things that bring us passion and meaning — and empower ourselves to find new silver linings in the disappointments that otherwise drove us mad. Failing is never fun, but it’s also temporary too. Take away the power your failures have and start failing upward by cultivating a growth mindset that allows you to shift the criticism and find your true sense of purpose. In that way lies happiness, but we have to take the first step.
