How to Facilitate Forgiveness Toward Others

Why viewing life in shades of gray leaves room for change, growth, and ultimately release

We all must face the question of whether or not to forgive.

Whether it’s a friend who let you down, an unfaithful partner, or a parent who disappointed you as a child, forgiveness helps us accept reality and move on.

Forgiveness isn’t something we do for the transgressor, rather it’s an act of self-love.

It’s a choice to shift from the emotions of blame, hurt, and anger to those of kindness, love, and inner peace. And although this compassionate pardon doesn’t re-write our past, it helps us gain a sense of closure and embrace new beginnings.

What is forgiveness?

The essential nature of forgiveness is rooted in willingness.

It’s a deliberate decision to forgive the innermost self for things it couldn’t have prevented.

It’s also a compassionate choice to release feelings of resentment toward someone who has harmed you. It’s not forgetting it’s moving forward. Forgiveness has the power to heal hurt and shame.

For much of my life, I went through life carrying a mountain of anger and anxiety. A family member had deeply hurt and betrayed me, and it felt unfair. I existed at times as a shadow of myself, haunted by cruel memories, and a victim of my own self-sabotage and internal pain.

I felt justified in the unrelenting anger over how I was treated. Subconsciously I took on the persona of a victim, trapped in a cycle of circumstance and culture.

This was my story until I decided to forgive myself and those around me. I recognized the self-sacrificing poison that I was consuming daily was nothing but bitterness, harshness, and loathing. I decided to release my internal sense of victimhood and instead view myself as a courageous survivor.

It was not easy in any regard to forgive, and for years I struggled with the melancholic memories.

That is until I had a child. Something about seeing the inherent innocence of a new being, the promise. the peace and the love made me want to heal on a deeper level.

I had to release the past and embrace forgiveness as a critical element for wellbeing. I realized that forgiveness would allow me to be my child’s role model and demonstrate what it means to be strong, courageous, and forgiving.

Paradoxically, I also needed to forgive myself as much as the transgressor, even in the absence of visible remorse.

The soul is very resilient, and through life experience, I realized that we are neither good nor bad and that events are never purely favorable nor unfavorable. Rather, everything in this world exists within a humming spectrum of love, hate, right, and wrong.

Living in absolutes only contributes to pain and anguish.

Viewing life in shades of gray leaves room for change, growth, and ultimately release.

True forgiveness takes time and is a cataclysmic process of leaving the past behind to embrace a vibrant and loving future. And although it may be extremely difficult at times, everyone deserves forgiveness.

Steps to facilitate forgiveness toward others:

1. Envision the other person as an innocent child, looking for love and emotional attachment.

Unchecked, we all can pass on our hurts, shames, and betrayals, even if unknowingly. Viewing the person and situation through a lens of unconditional compassion allows you to start finding real acceptance and growth.

2. Realize that hurt people often hurt others.

This can be life-changing. Whether it is people, animals, or even the self, pain looks for somewhere to go to release suffering. This doesn’t mean that everyone who has been hurt intentionally wounds others; rather that we each have a choice, whether it is at the forefront of our mind or not.

3. Be willing.

Remember that forgiveness is one of the greatest gifts we can bestow on others and ourselves, and it’s always available. It’s not without consecrated effort, but it is accessible, yesterday, today, and tomorrow. Forgiveness isn’t about erasing the past, but about creating a new future.

4. Let compassion lead the way.

Even though we may have acted differently, remember that everyone is doing the best that they can with what they currently have. Each of us has unearthed hurts that manifest in the most peculiar of ways, with or without intention.

5. Remember that love and hate are from the same vein.

One can all too easily become the other and most things that can create love can also produce hate.

6. Release responsibility for the behaviors of others.

Do this while knowing that we are each responsible for our actions, know that the other person’s actions weren’t about you, but most likely from their own past experiences or beliefs.

7. Ask yourself, “How can I grow from this experience?

What is this trying to teach me?” Look beyond surface injustices to perceive an individualized meaning that spurs greater growth and development.

8. Love and forgive the innermost self for things it couldn’t have possibly prevented.

Paradoxically, we sometimes need to forgive ourselves as much as the transgressor. To begin to process of self-forgiveness, look at the big picture of your life and remember that while we all make mistakes, we all deserve to be forgiven.

Forgiveness isn’t a fix or pardon.

Rather, it’s a conscious step toward experiencing more joy, more authenticity, more passion for life in its entirety.

The process of allowing love and forgiveness to exist creates ripples in the great sea of humankind, which eventually return to the sender.

Forgive others to free yourself.