How to Enjoy Live Indie Music in 16 Ironic Steps

STEP 1: Enter the small venue with 50 or so other indie-focused hopefuls who have also only heard the band/artist on Spotify and would unanimously agree with the most-played song (if ever asked).

STEP 2: Don’t ask. Look at as many of them as possible without making eye contact.

STEP 3: Further scan the dark, intimate environment with just enough lighting on the stage to warrant the 20 bucks (plus service fees) you paid through your phone a month ago.

STEP 4: Identify any gig photographers by the cameras they hold, proactively avoiding eye contact with them by never facing their general direction when the band/artist plays.

STEP 5: Grab a craft beer at the bar to have something to do with the hand not checking your phone.

STEP 6: Head towards the stage to exude a willingness to be seen by the band/artist when they eventually perform.

STEP 7: Position yourself to the left or right. You are not a centrepiece. It is here where you will earn a head-nod from at least the bass player before or after they are tuning.

STEP 8: Stand your ground as each performer takes the stage to ensure you get in the way of the gig photographers you identified earlier (you paid to be there after all — not the other way around, which it is for them).

STEP 9: Peer at their guitar pedals and other equipment choices even though you do not create music or work at a music equipment store.

STEP 10: Prepare everything above your shoulders and below your ankles.

STEP 11: Apply subtle head-nodding to the beat or head-tilting to the interesting chord changes. Likewise, microscopic toe-tapping or well-timed soft heel-stomps to build-ups and accented ending notes are also the name of the game.

STEP 12: Lean your weight onto one leg to achieve a casual-yet-attentive stance.

STEP 13: Refrain from singing along. You are not a child.

STEP 14: Adjust your weight to the opposite leg while applauding the band/artist. Ensure your claps do not linger. They should be part of the whole, not heard as your own.

STEP 15: Conclude by calmly checking your phone to leave texts on ‘Read’ from friends apologetically unavailable to be there. This ritual in a crowd full of energy covers up your acknowledgment of the music’s rhythm in the first place.

STEP 16: Leave. Before anyone approaches to talk to you about the band/artist (there are weirdos out there). And if the band/artist returns to the stage, you have even more reason to exit quickly: encores aren’t indie.