How to Embrace Your Inner Critic With Loving Self-Compassion

Taking the time to listen to and understand our inner critic allows us to create our best work and feel whole.

Does your inner critic tell you that you’re not good enough? Does the critic remind you of your flaws right when you’re about to finish an important project? Is your critic mean? You are not alone, and your inner critic wants to protect you.

Our inner voice formed in response to environmental conditioning*, i.e., family, school, culture. We needed to follow their rules and standards to feel safe and receive love. *Conditioning refers to the process of changing behavior through reward or punishment.

“It seems to me that the less I fight my fear, the less it fights back. If I can relax, fear relaxes too,” said Elizabeth Gilbert.

Our inner critic is part of us and deserves our time and attention. Instead of suppressing the darker aspects of ourselves, we need to explore and integrate to become whole.

Developing a healthy relationship with our inner critic requires gentle persistence and lots of self-compassion.

After years of blocked creativity, I explored my inner shadows, completed The Artist’s Way program, and have become immersed in understanding the creative process and emotional safety. I have learned to embrace my critic with compassion, and I want to share my research and personal learnings.

Our inner critic wants to keep us safe.

Our inner critic works to align our behaviors to environmental standards so we can survive as children. We fear the judgment, criticism, or other “punishments” that would come if we were to express ourselves.

We are social beings, and our survival as children depends on pleasing our parents… The more we listen to the criticisms, rejection, and hostility of negative messages, the louder the inner critic voice in our minds gets, said Dr. Margalis Fjelstad, a therapist and author.

“You are not good enough” has been one of my loudest inner critic messages. As I pursue meaningful work and relationships, the voice speaks loud and clear: Who do you think you are? What a joke. How embarrassing. I grew up in an emotionally abusive environment, and embracing my shadows has been challenging.

Pursuing original work and creating healthy relationships requires continued curiosity and open-minded introspection.

Working with my life coach, I struggled to gain a positive perspective. She said, “What do you need to feel relaxed and at ease with this journey?” My throat felt tight, and tears threatened to fall. I sadly, clearly said, “I need to let go of all the mean things my brother said to me.”

When we understand our critic’s messages, we become free from its restraints.

My inner critic was trying to protect me. I had internalized my brother’s voice, and expanding my creativity felt dangerous. It felt much safer to stay small and live below the radar because there would be nothing to be criticized. But I’m not a child anymore, and I can create boundaries and emotional safety for myself.

Listen to your inner critic with compassion.

We tend to approach ourselves with a harsh and blaming tone when things go wrong, a manner we would never use with a friend. Most people give more compassion to others than to themselves, according to Dr. Kristen Neff, Ph.D. I believe our hyper-masculine, patriarchal culture has led to more critical and judging childhoods, making self-compassion challenging.

Self-compassion boils down to giving ourselves warmth, physically and emotionally.

Changing our inner voices feels awkward at first, and it’s worth it. I have been carefully listening to my feelings of self-doubt or anxiety. I place my hands over my heart or stomach, or I open my palms to relax. I acknowledge my pain. I look for ways to make my environment safer and prioritize my needs.

Listening to our inner critics helps us to prioritize our needs and move forward. We may take just 5 minutes to understand and address our needs and prevent ourselves from getting blocked.

As I wrote this article, I felt anxious. I noticed my tension headache and my inner voice: This article has to be excellent and meet X, Y, Z standards so that X, Y, Z people will read it. I was able to remind myself that I am writing primarily to heal and connect. I could then release the pressure and continue writing.

Feeling inadequate comes with being human. These feelings remind us of our shared humanity.

When we feel anxious or doubt ourselves, we can remember that many people are also experiencing this. We are not alone.

Self-compassion makes us better humans.

Self-compassion makes us better humans. People who have self-compassion tend to make healthier decisions for themselves and to be better relationship partners. They warmly identify and address their own needs and are less likely to burn out or build resentment.

Embrace your inner critic to do your best work.

Without feeling whole, we struggle to move forward. We cannot be authentic or fully present without embracing all of ourselves. We need vulnerability and courage to create our most powerful, impactful work.

“Afraid of feeling foolish, we often back down from our dreams. We take the voice of the Censor as the voice of reason. In reality, it is the Censor’s voice that is foolish, talking us out of joys and future rewards” — Julia Cameron.

When we embrace our inner critic, we develop a smoother and freer creative process. Acknowledging these voices consciously and kindly, we become brave. As we create emotional safety for our work, we begin to feel confident.

“It’s our job to do the work, not to judge the work,” said Julia Cameron. Understanding and releasing the judgment, we can embrace both the smooth and rocky progress we make. We need our less-inspired ideas to get to the inspiring ones.

Closing thoughts

Embracing our inner critic requires gentle persistence. The process can feel overwhelming and challenging, depending on the strength of your inner voice.

Be kind to yourself throughout this process, and remember that you are a feeling human being, not a superhuman or a robot.

If the concept of embracing your inner critic feels unfamiliar, I encourage you to take the first step. Give yourself self-compassion and listen to your inner voices. Maybe start journaling. What you find may surprise you. I promise exploring the pain leads to freer and more open creativity.

I write inspiring, uplifting, and empowering content on transformative topics. Join the Weekly Love News on my website to receive creative offerings each week (Tuesdays) in your email inbox.