How to do the Baby Bjorn Thing: As a Dad
You’re now the proud owner of a Bjorn or some other newfangled baby body harness. Whatever it is… you have it. You’re a dad and you’re going to be strapping this thing on and heading out into the world. Many months have gone by since your baby was born and your wife or significant other or your husband will be ready to allow you to leave the house with the baby. So after a few hours of figuring out how the straps work, you’ll be ready to pop that baby in and go mobile. Here is what you need to know.
Tip #1: You do not have boobs. This is key. It might seem an obvious physical fact but it’s actually an essential truism you must embrace before you put your baby in your Bjorn. Because you don’t have boobs, turn that sucker around! And of course, by sucker, I mean your adorable baby. The baby needs a show and you’re the walking stage. The baby gets nothing facing you. I mean except your warmth, your love and your steady beating heart, but you can show all those things to the baby later through self-sacrifice and patience. For now, the baby needs a show and to learn valuable life skills from you like: how to cross a street safely, how to yell at cars for driving too fast while you are crossing the street, and how to properly order a drip coffee, not a latte. Because you want your baby to come by its coffee choices organically. Also remember it has to be iced for safety. You have a baby under you. You’ll start forgetting that, trust me.
Tip#2: They aren’t looking at you. If you’ve followed these instructions, you have your baby facing out to the world. The baby is smiling. The baby is winking probably, maybe pointing at people, I don’t know, I never saw what my son was doing but he was attracting A LOT of attention. Young women who normally would not be aware of any part of your sphere of influence will now start smiling in your direction and seeming to make eye contact. But they aren’t looking at you. Remember this. Don’t make the mistake of smiling yourself or greeting people during these interactions. You will quickly learn you are only the mule this baby rode into town on. No one wants to talk to you and honestly they’re offended when you break the bond they’re having with your child. If you’re not sold on this, I have a story. We live in Los Angeles so seeing famous people isn’t out the question, but my wife is better at recognizing people so for all I know I could be swimming in famous people and I’m usually unaware. But one day I was walking to Starbucks, with the baby strapped on, facing out and meeting and greeting. We passed this stunning young woman.
She tried not to, but then she couldn’t help it and broke into a massive smile, tilted her head a little and kind of blinked. My first thought was “Yeah, I still got it. Check her out, checking me out.” Then I realized “Holy crap that is Anne Hathaway!”
Then I remembered I had a baby on my chest and I averted my eyes like I was trained to do. My baby and she had a good moment there and we were off. He didn’t care that it was Anne Hathaway which I thought was a totally baller move.
Tip #3: You’re going to have to do some old lady time. So apparently Old Ladies love babies? I cannot tell you how many times we stood (well I stood, he didn’t have to stand which looking back was a key point) and had very very long talks with old ladies. The Persian old ladies in my neighborhood would block my path using the picket fence screen move from Hoosiers. Oh, how my son loved them. They would talk to each other, in very animated tones, lots of clucks and cooing and semi-words kissed out to each other for long long long periods of time. It’s important to remember just because you’re bored doesn’t mean your baby is bored. Babies don’t discuss the game last night or that thing Trump tweeted or the Game of Thrones finale. But they do like old ladies. Chinese old ladies would make clicking and popping sounds to him, which again he loved. The Beverly Hills rich old ladies would just grab him, pull on him on him like he was a doll. Unfortunately he didn’t mind that either. One day I spent at least an hour with him interacting with this particular old lady. She had a large mole on her chin. There were a lot of hairs growing out of it. It was very hard to look away. My son thought this mole was the most fascinating thing he’d seen in his year on the planet. So the four of us just stood there and talked it out.
Finally, remember to enjoy the process. Enjoy these moments because they are fleeting. Nowadays when I try to put my son in the Bjorn he fusses a lot, it hurts my back and people don’t smile nearly as much. He’s ten so that might be part of it. He still is very patient with old ladies though. So there you have it. You’re completely prepared. Don’t blame me if something goes wrong. Remember you’re a guy with a baby. If something goes wrong, it’s always your fault.
